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“What do I do when I get back home?”
“Relax. Enjoy time with your girlfriend.”
“No, I meant – will there be a debrief?”
Alistair shook his head. “Not unless something goes wrong. So make sure nothing goes wrong.”
“When do I see you next?”
“When I need you, I’ll contact you. We’ll meet at this same spot unless I tell you otherwise. Any questions?”
I shook my head.
Alistair stood up and smiled wryly. “Godspeed, Mr. Kinberg.”
Then he turned and walked off down the street.
73
Rachel and I went out to dinner that night at our favorite restaurant. When I told her I would be out of town for three or four days, she did not take it well – especially when I told her I wouldn’t be in contact.
“I can’t even call you?!” she exclaimed.
“There have been lots of times when you were off on some mission and I couldn’t call you.”
“Again, something you knew about from the very beginning,” she snapped. “It feels like you keep springing something new on me every time I turn around.”
“Well, there’s nothing I can do about that. I just found out myself.”
“Can you at least say where you’re going?” she pleaded.
“No. I’m sorry.”
She could tell by my voice that I wasn’t sorry at all. I’d put up with all sorts of restrictions because of her job – including not even being allowed to know where she lived. It seemed to me the least she could do was admit my situation wasn’t any different from her own and accept it gracefully.
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Of course, that wasn’t how she saw it. Not at all.
Dinner continued with an atmosphere of tension hanging over every word.
When we returned to the hotel, I reached for her – but she forcefully pulled away from me.
I was on the verge of getting angry when she turned and looked up at me with frightened eyes. “Will you please, please let me know as soon as you can that you’re safe? Please?”
“Yes – of course,” I said, suddenly realizing that maybe her reactions were coming from a place of fear and not some double standard. “As soon I can, I’ll call you – I promise.”
“Okay,” she whispered as she melted into my chest.
When we made love, it was slow and soft, and she seemed almost frightened to break eye contact with me –
As though I might disappear if she looked away for even an instant.
74
Rachel
Iknew it was irrational, but I was frightened about Lars’s new job.
