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I wake one more time as he pulls his comforter under my chin.
The last thing I hear is the deep rumble of his voice.
“Get some sleep, solnyshka.”
21
LUNA
I’m not even surprised when I wake up and Yakov is gone.
Part of me wonders if last night even happened. It felt like a dream.
Then I see his bite marks on my leg and my neck. I see the bruises on my hips where he held me tight and pulled me onto him.
It was all real.
What I want is to fuck you like you're the last fuck I'll ever have. That's what fucking terrifies me.
He said the dirtiest, loveliest things to me. Then he left me alone to figure out what it all means.
My thoughts feel too big to be cooped up indoors, so I wander out to the gardens behind the mansion early this morning.
And I sit there.
For hours.
But even in the sunshine, not much is clearer.
Yakov was covered in bruises and blood when he got back, for crying out loud. What the hell is that about? Clearly, he was in a fight, but with whom? Why? He stormed out of dinner when I tried to kiss him, got in a fist fight, and then came back and fucked me when I asked him about it.
Yakov takes “hot and cold” and makes it an art form. I never know what I’m going to get. The sick part is that part of me likes that.
Some therapist somewhere would take all my money to tell me I’ve learned to love the pain. Years of being with Benjy probably destroyed the relationship part of my brain. I don’t know how to do healthy.
But deep down, I don’t really buy that. Because I never loved being with Benjy. He just stripped me down to nothing to the point that I was terrified of being alone. Because being alone meant being with the person I was most ashamed to know: myself.
I groan and drop down onto a stone bench set under a weeping willow tree.
“Everything okay?” I yelp in surprise and spin around to find Hope walking down the path towards me. She smiles. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I thought I was out here alone.”
“You are. Or… you were. But I saw you walking and thought you might need something.”
I need someone to talk to. That’s what I need.
I’d love to call Kayla again, but I don’t even know what I would say. What I can say. Plus, Yakov is the keeper of the cell phone. I need his permission to talk to her. And I’d need to know where he is to be able to ask for said permission. Since he’s decided to play ghost today, that isn’t going to happen.
I give her a tense smile. “I just needed some fresh air.”
Hope looks around, sighing as she takes in the scenery. “This is a good place for that. I love to come out here on my breaks.”
“It’s like a real life fairytale,” I admit. “The pond seals the deal. Those are actual lily pads over there. I wouldn’t be surprised if a bird started talking to me.”
She laughs. “If birds start talking to you, let someone know. We’ll send the men with the big nets to come get you.”
“Give it another day of being trapped in this house and I might be there. Birds are better than no one.”
