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The real question—the one that hollows me out from the inside—is, Would Nikandr want to live like this?
“We’ve done everything that we can for him,” Dr. Tung says for the third time. “What happens from this point forward is up to Nik.”
“Except it isn’t up to him. It’s up to me,” I spit. “That’s why we’re here.”
Dr. Tung and a man who looks nothing like a nurse and everything like a security guard are standing in front of me. Apparently, even after all of our phone calls, the doctor didn’t trust me to take this news well.
“We’re here because having a plan in place for every eventuality makes things easier. In the heat of the moment, emotion can be high. It’s better to have already made these decisions when you were calm and thinking clearly.”
“I’m always thinking clearly.”
She gives me a tight smile. “Even if that is the case, Nikandr’s care team sometimes have only seconds—less than that—to make a decision. We don’t have time to call you and see what you want to do. So if you want us to act with your best interests at heart, now is the time to decide?—”
“How is a Do Not Resuscitate order in my best interest?” I wave the paper with the power to determine if my brother lives or dies between us. “I left my brother here so you could make him better. Now, I’m planning his death?”
I knew things were bad. Dr. Tung told me that I shouldn’t expect a miracle.
But I did.
Even at my lowest, I always expected Nik to wake up and laugh at me for making such a big deal over one gunshot. I always thought this phase in our lives would fade away and be nothing but a distant memory. Maybe that’s why I stopped visiting him as often. Maybe it’s why I let myself get distracted with Pavel and the Gustev Bratva. Because I never really thought my last days with my little brother would be spent by his hospital bed.
“I know this is a difficult time for you and your family,” Dr. Tung says. “If there is anyone else you’d like to talk with before you make this decision, feel free. But I would urge you to decide quickly.”
With that, Dr. Tung and the security guard in scrubs leave, and I reach for my phone.
My instinct is to call Luna. I want to hear her voice right now. It's only been a couple hours since I left her at the safehouse, but it feels like a lifetime.
But I can't call her. Not only would it put her and Mariya at risk, but she's under enough stress as it is. I don't need to add Nik's life to her plate.
Besides, I already know what she'd say. The same thing she already said. My mother deserves to know what is going on.
Grimacing, I tap my mother's contact and wait. It rings long enough that I think she might not answer. Then the line connects.
“Yakov?” She sounds hesitant, like she’s expecting someone else.
“It’s me.”
“Wow.” I hear something clatter on the other end of the line. “I can’t believe—I didn’t think—What is this about?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“Not for the last couple months, you haven’t! None of you have.” She sniffles. “I haven’t heard a word from any of my children for weeks. Mariya has never been good for anything other than a text every other week, but Nikandr always called. Never you. That’s why I’m surprised it’s you now. I send my baby girl around the world to live with you and I don’t hear a word about how she is doing or?—”
“Nikandr is in the hospital.” I decide to rip off the bandage. There’s no sense letting her waste time ranting. Not when Nik might not have much time left.
“Oh. Oh. Okay,” she says slowly. “Okay. But he’s alright, isn’t he?”
We’ve all been in the hospital more times than I can count. Broken bones, stabbings, stray gunshots. My mother has seen it all. I’m not surprised she expects Nikandr to be okay. I expected him to be okay, too.
I sigh. “No, he isn’t. It’s… it’s bad. He’s in a coma.”
She sucks in a sharp breath. “For how long?”
“It doesn’t matter. I just spoke to his doctor and they are asking me to consider signing a Do Not Resuscitate. They are worried he won’t make it.”
I’m waiting for the sobbing. For the hysterics and the questions. We’ve been here before, and I know exactly how she’ll react. But there’s nothing.
“Hello?”
