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I’ll take it as long as the babies keep growing and stay healthy. Though some very small, selfish part of me secretly hopes for another pregnancy scare just so Yakov will come see me again. I don’t want there to be anything wrong with me or the babies, obviously, but I want Yakov to rush over to see me just so we can spend another night making love. I want to fall asleep with his body around me. It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like.
He calls every so often. They’re brief conversations, just long enough to check on how I’m doing and say hello. They aren’t enough, but they’re all we can have right now.
Currently, life is all about settling. I can’t have what I want, so I try to be grateful for the little glimpses of light.
Right now, I’m grateful for Mariya and mindless television.
Mariya scrolls through the long list of channels. We have as much fun making fun of commercials and random snippets of shows we’ve never seen as we do actually settling in to watch something from start to finish. Sometimes, I just kick back and listen to Mariya commentate her way through reality television and bad infomercials. It breaks up the silence.
“I think we need more jingles,” Mariya decides, jabbing the remote towards the screen. “Commercials are boring now. They try too hard to tell a story or make things emotional. I say, screw that and write a catchy tune. A good jingle about erectile dysfunction would be amazing.”
“I feel bad for Dr. Jenkins,” I blurt.
“Why? Does he have erectile dysfunction?” She gasps. “How do you even know that?”
“What? No. No, he doesn’t. Or, I mean, I don’t know if he does.” I blow out a harsh breath. “I feel bad because he is upstairs alone and not hanging out with us.”
Mariya considers that for a second. “If he was here, I probably would have picked another example for the jingle idea. Like… a whitening toothpaste.”
I smile. “Having these stupid conversations with you makes the time go by faster. I feel bad that he’s sitting upstairs in the quiet by himself.”
“You offered to let him hang out down here. You did your part. It’s not your fault he made the obviously wrong choice and refused our company.”
I sigh. “Yeah. You’re right. I just feel bad.”
“And you should. He’s missing out on some really incredible discourse.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Discourse that isn’t stupid in the slightest.”
“You’re right. These conversations aren’t stupid at all. Your thoughts on penis jingles are borderline genius.” I grab her hand. “But seriously, Mariya, I’m glad you’re here. You could be sulky and miserable and make this entire situation worse, but instead, you’re the only thing making it bearable for me.”
“Ditto, Luna. This is definitely the best imprisonment I’ve ever had.”
I frown. “You’ve done this before?”
“Hunkered down in a safehouse?” She snorts. “Plenty. Loads of times. For loads of different reasons. This time is the most intense, but yeah… I was always too young to know all the details, but when you’re part of a powerful family, enemies come with the territory.”
I knew that already. I know that. Yakov’s world is dangerous. People don’t like him and they’re willing to go after me to get to him. It’s easy to state as a simple fact… but the reality is different.
I imagined Yakov and I riding out the storm together. Naively, I thought it would be a nine-to-five job. Something he could turn off at dinner time so we could eat a quiet meal and fall asleep next to each other.
So sitting here in a basement bunker with Mariya while Yakov is off doing God only knows what to protect me was never fully on my radar.
“Does it ever end?” I ask.
Mariya doesn’t look away from the TV. Whatever show she’s watching is back on. “What?”
“The fighting. Does it ever end?” I repeat. “Yakov keeps taking people down, but someone else pops up to take their place. Does that cycle of revenge ever end?”
“I guess not,” Mariya admits. “You just learn to live with it.”
Can I learn to live like this?
I cradle my bump. Can they?
I have the choice, but my babies don’t. Is this really the life I want to bring my children into?
42
YAKOV
