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I shook my head, chewing my lip. “You should tell me.”
“Oh, really? I should tell you that you evoke the same feeling as watching a sunset? That your eyes shine like stars? That you smell like heaven? That all of this softness around you smoothes down your hard edges and lets me know that you feel safe with me?”
I swallowed hard at his words. I didn’t dare say the equivalent back. Didn’t dare tell him how much I wanted him here, that the warmth in his dark eyes made me want to fall apart because I knew he would catch me and put me back together.
None of that was fucking casual.
God, I was such an idiot. I should let us both go before this whole thing imploded.
I dragged him down instead, kissing him like my life depended on it.
I didn’t realize I was shaking until Luca pulled away, looking down at me with concern. “Are you okay?”
“Super duper.”
Luca frowned and sat back. “Are you doing the thing where you’re having some sort of internal panic and refuse to talk about it?”
I pursed my lips. “Maybe.”
“I can’t ravish you in good conscience if you’re gonna be panicking on the inside the whole time. What’s wrong?”
“Can’t I be neurotic in peace?”
“Sure you can but I’m not going to fuck you right now if you don’t wanna clear up whatever’s going on in your head.”
“Mean.”
I pulled one of the pillows over my face, unwilling to see the worry in his eyes. I had thought when we started this that Luca wasn’t built for casual, and maybe that was true, but he had been steadfastly following the rules and never pushed. I was the one who kept caving. I was the one too weak to send him away.
He could get tired of me at any point, and I was getting less and less okay with that inevitable reality. All I could offer him was sex. What was I supposed to do with myself when he turned that down in favor of talking?
Luca lifted the pillow. “Do you want me to go?”
“No. I want you to rail me into next week instead of worrying about whatever’s going on inside my head. That’s my problem, not yours.”
“I’m still your friend, whatever else we have going on. I care about how you are.”
“And I’m telling you I’m fine.”
He frowned again.
“There’s no magic cure for the chaos up there, but if you’d like to help, we have some very effective stress-relief options available to us.”
Luca didn’t say anything else as he pinned me by both wrists, the perfume of my slick filling the bedroom. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I squirmed against his grip, but he didn’t budge. “No.”
“Then we’re not having sex.”
“That’s not fair.”
He stared down at me, the shadowed hurt in his eyes condemning me. “What’s not fair is being used as a distraction.”
“I’m not trying to?—”
Luca raised an incredulous eyebrow.
“Okay, fine, I was, but it’s just my brain running in circles. I’m worried about hurting you.”
