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When I saw him knocking on my door Friday, looking depressed as hell, it cranked up my waterworks all over again. I wanted to give in and tell him everything would be okay, but I wasn’t sure it would be. Joel didn’t come off as the abusive type, but actions spoke louder than words. Whenever that popped into my mind, my next immediate thought was that I hit him first. I knew better.
While staring at the roses, the doorbell rang. Sasha had been coming by daily to check on me. She’d been trying to get me to talk to Joel, even if it was only to get closure. I didn’t know if I wanted closure. With how sensitive I was, I would take him back in a heartbeat, letting him fuck me senseless.
Standing and throwing my blanket to the sofa, I checked the peephole, but didn’t see anyone. I left the chain on and opened the door to get a peek. There was a bouquet of red roses on the doorstep. I closed my eyes briefly then closed the door to take the chain off. I reopened it to pick up the bouquet and saw Joel standing off to the side. I felt like I stopped breathing.
He approached me slowly and cautiously and handed me an envelope. He leaned over and kissed my forehead then gently swiped my cheek with his thumb. We stared at one another for a moment before I looked away. Him being here had me feeling softer than I’d ever felt. I didn’t know exactly how I would react when I saw him, but now I knew. I wanted to hug him tightly and tell him everything would be okay… if he sought help with this. He needed someone to express his feelings to, even if that person wasn’t me.
When I looked back up, he was no longer standing there. He’d walked away. That caught me by surprise. Since he’d delivered the flowers himself, I was more than sure he would want to talk. Grabbing the flowers from the ground, I went back inside and locked the door. The moment I did, tears fell down my cheeks. He looked so broken… just as broken as I was.
After putting the flowers in a vase, I went to the couch, wrapped myself up once again, and lay there staring at the envelope he’d given me that I dropped to the coffee table before wrapping up. I already knew that whatever was in that card would have me crying my damn eyes out. I picked it up and opened it to see a beautiful red and gold ‘thinking about you’ card. I was totally prepared to read the generic message inside, but instead, when I opened it, a sheet of paper fell out.
I leaned over the side of the couch to pick it up from the floor, noticing my hand was trembling. I supposed I was nervous about what the letter would say. When I unfolded it and saw the words ‘My Love’ I took deep breaths. I was about to cry just at the sight of those words. This man possessed me, whether I wanted him to or not. Every inch of me belonged to him.
My Love,
You are the epitome of what it means to be a woman. You are secure and firm in the things you want, while yet soft enough to feel. God blessed me tremendously when He gave me you. Although you never expressed your love, I felt it. There was nothing you wouldn’t do for me. Over a week ago, I lost sight of that. I hurt the only woman I’ve ever loved.
Throwing the mental turmoil you’re experiencing into your face because I was hurting, wasn’t right. It hurt you, and I could see that hurt immediately. I allowed my hurt and anger to lead the way, and I am so sorry, baby. I made the situation worse by grabbing you. I felt your arm pop. Just writing out that part makes me emotional as hell. I physically abused the woman I’m supposed to love, and it’s eating me alive inside.
And again, as if it couldn’t get any worse, I threatened to kill you. Smh. Keondra, if you never want to see me again, or if you never want to talk to me again, I would totally understand. This situation was bad. I took my hurt and anger out on the person most important to me. I realize I have more of Joshua inside of me than I thought. Please forgive me, baby.
I lifted my eyes to the ceiling, allowing the tears to fall down my cheeks. I took several deep breaths. His words of love and admission of what he caused was taking me low, but I knew I needed to continue reading to see what all he had to say so I would know whether I needed to respond to this or not.
After talking to Jungle, I found out that my mother was telling the truth. Isaiah helped me see some things about myself that I wasn’t too fond of. We talked Sunday while I was in Beaumont and again Sunday night by phone. I want to go to Florida to talk to her face to face. My original plan was to see if you would go with me, but I realized that was selfish as hell.
While I feel like I need you, I know you need time. What I did hurt you, and I’m sure it was probably traumatic as well. I’ll be leaving Thursday morning for Tallahassee. I just hope that you will wish me luck. Take all the time you need for yourself, but please send me a response. I need to know how you are… how your arm and hands are feeling and how your heart is doing. I miss you so much, but I know you may choose to live the rest of your life without me.
If that’s the case, I have no one to blame but myself. Just know that I will always love you. No other woman will ever do for me what you did physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You’re a good woman, Kee. I hate that I pushed you away. I love you and whatever you decide, I pray that it’s what’s best for you.
Love Always,
Joel
That was it. I set the letter down beside me and released a cry from my soul, nearly causing myself to regurgitate. There was no way I could live the rest of my life without him. I knew that before reading his letter, but I wasn’t sure about what the status of our relationship would be. I was sure now.
Grabbing my phone, I sent him a text. Thank you for that. I’m okay… just depressed about everything. I’m sorry for putting my hands on you. That was wrong. I probably looked like shit to you earlier. I’m glad you’re talking to someone about what’s going on with you… someone that can help. Good luck in Florida with your mother.
The tears sprang from my eyes as I hit the send button. Once I was able to calm down, I called Sasha. “Hello?”
“Hey. I saw Joel.”
“How did it go?”
“He came here with flowers and a card. We didn’t say a word to each other. When I was avoiding his gaze, he walked away. I can’t live without him, Sasha. He looked so broken.”
“Aww, sis. So are you going to call him?”
“Not yet. He’s going to Florida to meet his mama. I want to go and surprise him. I need to be there to support him. So, if you can get his flight info from Jungle, I’d appreciate it. Tell Jungle not to tell him.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet! I’ll text him now, or I can just send you his phone number.”
“Either way is fine. While I know I want to be with him, this will be a slower process. I need to be sure he’s trying to be better. I’m gonna piss him off at times. That shit is just in my nature. I have to be sure he won’t respond the same way. Also, I think I’m going to finally go talk to Mama tomorrow.”
“Really? What time?”
“Tomorrow evening. We need to clear the air, and she needs to tell the truth. I’m gonna text Yunique later so she can be a part of the conversation and to let her know that I’ll be in Tallahassee Thursday. Now that I think about it, I would rather you reach out to Jungle. I would hate to text or call and Joel see my name on his caller ID.”
“Okay. You’re right. I’ll be the middleman then. Well, I have to go. Jungle’s calling. I guess we spoke him up.”
