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Prologue
RILEY
One … Two … Three … Four.
I blink reflexively as the sudden flash of light cracks across the murky grey sky, piercing through the dark clouds. The wind howls through the trees and thunder crashes in the distance. A stunning interpretation of my current state of being.
“A storm is rolling in,” the low hum of his voice whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms tenderly around me.
“Looks that way.” I grab hold of his arms, my eyes trained out the large window on the second floor of our Vancouver apartment. We stand in contemplative silence as the world below passes by, unfazed and unaware of the torment of the day.
I can’t pretend anymore. Pretend the past didn’t happen. Pretend this is all a nightmare. A nightmare I’ll wake up from at any moment. I can’t ignore the hole that will forever ache inside my heart. A part of me is now missing, never to be replaced.
“It’s time,” he tells me as he gestures out the window. I squeeze my eyes shut, an attempt to block out reality. “The guests are waiting downstairs for you.”
Did he really just call them guests? Really, at a gathering like this? Guest just seems too jovial a word for a day like today.
Opening my eyes, I scan the line of cars that circle the horseshoe-shaped driveway with little black flags on the hoods—ready to go. Not that any of this really matters, it’s all farce, a ruse to keep up appearances. She’s not even down there.
A pit opens in my gut, and I shake my head repeatedly in denial. “I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this.” My voice is small and dejected, breaking at the end.
He places his chin on my shoulder, adjusting his stance so his cheek is firmly against my own, stopping my side-to-side movement. “I know,” he whispers softly, pulling me closer and wrapping his arms around me a little tighter. An attempt to comfort and soothe the ache in my soul.
“I can’t do this.” My wolf whines from her curled-up position, hiding in the furthest recesses of my mind. Feelings of loss and despair flood me as her heart breaks wide open, mirroring my own.
“You can, baby. You’re not alone in this. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” He really shouldn’t make promises. That’s what she did, and look how that turned out.
“It doesn’t feel that way.” Tears burn behind my eyes, and a sob clogs my throat, threatening to choke me. I swallow them back, refusing to let them free.
“Why did they let this happen? How could they take her from me? After everything they’ve put me through. Am I so horrible that they needed to punish me more?” I’m almost shouting now between short sharp breaths . My body trembles under the vibrations of my nerves, and my fingers curl around his arms—nails biting into his flesh.
He doesn’t move away, though, not even a flinch. Instead, he squeezes me tighter to his body, the warmth at my back penetrating the chill caused by the icy cavern in the center of my chest. The hollow pit crumbles around the edges, widening and sucking me deeper into its ominous depths. Deeper and deeper, until I’m drowning in the darkness.
“Who, baby?”
“The fucking gods,” I nearly shout. “All of them. They could have stopped this. She didn’t fucking deserve this.”
I take a step forward and shiver at the loss of his warmth but place my hand on the cool glass of the large window, staring into the reflection of grey eyes, highlighted with silver flecks of my wolf. An emptiness so surreal dulls the light of us both. A slight crack forms in the wall I so carefully constructed around my emotions over the last few days. “She was the best of us, you know, a good person,” I say, calmer than before. “She had big dreams and an even bigger heart. She wanted to help people for crying out loud.”
Fire burns in the center of my chest, and I shake my head as the first tear slips from the corner of my eye, followed by another. “None of this makes any sense,” I cry, pounding my fist against the glass of the window. “We can’t even have a proper burial for her. This is so fucked up.” My voice breaks, and the tears flow more freely.
I drop to my knees at the window, and a body crowds in behind me, pulling me onto his lap and tucking my head against his chest. He wraps his arms around me and holds me, letting me cry out my pain, my heartbreak, my loss.
“Baby, I won’t pretend to know why the gods might allow horrible things to happen or to know if they even have the power to stop them. What happened to your family when you were just a kid was unfair. Your sister getting sick was unfair. But none of those things happened to punish you. I do know the gods will take care of us after we leave this place. That we’ll be happy, that she’s happy, and better still … She’s pain free now.”
I sniff back the last of my tears and try not to wipe my face on his shirt as he continues, “And as much as I’d rather not put you through this, it really is time.” The gentleness in his rough voice cracks the wall further. He’s always had a way of finding his way behind my walls.
Softly nodding my head in understanding, I take a deep, centering breath. I guess there is no going back, no matter how hard I try, you just can’t reset time.
Turning on his lap, I wrap my arms and legs around him and bury my head in his shoulder. “Thank you for being here, Matt. I couldn’t do this without you.”
“Baby, there is nowhere I’d rather be than at your side. You know I’m always going to be here for you.”
I pick my head up, and he wipes the tears from under my eyes and cheeks. “Come on,” he says, offering me a sad smile.
So, it’s time—time to say goodbye. I just didn’t realize at the time how much I was really fucking losing.
Chapter 1
