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My gaze shifts to the man across the table from me. Sweet-natured Axel. His expression is one of a man unsure—almost terrified. Every few seconds, I catch his eyes darting from me to the door. It’s a quick glance, one I’d have missed if I wasn’t watching each of these men for hints of ulterior motives.
I paste a smile on my lips, attempting to ease his worries. Telling him with gestures instead of words that I have no plans to run, at least not right now. There are a few things I’d need to put in place if I was going to do that. However, after the breakthrough with Enzo earlier this evening, I’m not so sure I want to run anymore. At the same time, though, I need to be careful how close and reliant I become on these guys, but right now, I think I need some of that connection they’re offering, both human and animal.
The five men that have taken it upon themselves to save me sit around the table, and I honestly can’t tell what my heart is saying. My wolf calls them her mates. My head tells me they’re dangerous, to run as fast as my fucking legs can carry me. My heart ... well, it’s so broken and shattered, I can’t tell what it wants. I need time to figure all this shit out. And I just don’t know if I can do that with them hovering over me like momma hens all the time.
My smile faulters, and my mind spins. Fuck! I am so fucking confused. What do I do?
Mates help. My wolf reminds me as she wraps her essence protectively around the broken and shattered pieces of my heart. Slowly mending those shards back together the best she can. I want to give her what she wants. If I’m being honest and truthful with myself, it’s what we both need.
I know, but I think we need to find ourselves before we take on one mate, let alone five. How about friends to start? She doesn't reply, and she doesn't need to. Her sadness is as palpable as my own. But this is the safest and least confusing option at the moment.
Putting my fork down a little harder than needed on the ceramic plate makes all five guys jump, heads snapping in my direction. I place my head in my hands, and Enzo places his hand on my knee. Whether to keep me in place or to lend me strength, I’m not completely sure. I need both at the moment. My blood pumps in my ears, and heat flares up my neck, settling in my cheeks. It’s not the normal flush of embarrassment, but the stress that comes with the knowledge of what’s to come.
Deep breath, Riley, you can do this. They’re not going to approve, but this is what you need right now. They’re just going to have to deal.
I close my eyes. One more deep breath.
Looking up, I glance around the table, making eye contact with each of my men. Not my men. Not now anyway.
I put my hand over my mouth and cough, clearing my throat. “I’m leaving,” I say behind my hand. A growl leaves someone, my guess is either Cree or Reed. Keep going, Riley.
“Okay, not leaving, leaving. Like, not out of town leaving. It’s just that—” A ramble of incoherent word vomit spills out of my mouth. My head is flooding with self-doubt that I’ll end up in trouble again and I won’t be able to care for myself.
Enzo gives my knee a tap, interrupting my inner thoughts and quieting them. I glance at him, and he gives me an approving smile. Relief instantly floods my body, and my shoulders drop with my next exhale. My breathing slows. My mind clearing. I give him a small smile and nod in return. I can do this.
Cree growls a deep, feral warning before standing so abruptly his chair flies back, slamming into the wall behind him, and busts into at least five pieces. My head snaps in his direction, and I actually shrink back a bit towards Enzo. Does he not know how to stand without breaking his chair?
Reed slams a fist into the table, visibly trying to gather himself before responding through gritted teeth, “What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
“I’m going home, Reed. Back to my apartment, that is.” I can see the burning argument building in them. I slide my right hand under the table to grab Enzo’s, he gives it a strengthening and encouraging squeeze. Putting up my other hand in a silencing gesture, I say, “Please, let me finish before you say anything. I know I’ve been distant lately and even a bit vindictive in my actions. For that, I’m really sorry. I never wanted to hurt any of you, not really. My head’s a bit fucked up, and all my insecurities got the better of me. However, I had an eye-opening discussion earlier today, and a few things were said that really put things into perspective for me.”
I turn my head, my gaze meeting Enzo’s. The understanding smile he gives me tells me he knows where this going, and he supports me. I return his smile and focus my attention back at the others. “I have things I need to take care of, and it’s time I start figuring out who I am now. You all have done so much for me, more than anyone else has done for me in years, and while I may not have wanted your help in the beginning, I’m grateful for it.
“Helping me get clean … that’s something I never thought I’d do. And I won’t lie to you; I honestly didn’t want that. But now that I am, I don’t want to go back. So, I need to find my footing. I won’t say it's not a struggle, and I don’t crave that numbness every moment of every day, but I need to be stronger for me. To prove to myself that I can fight it and stand on my own two feet. If I don’t do it now, I fear I won’t be able to later.” I also want to see Grace again. I don’t add that part; it would only open the door to questions that I can’t answer.
Reed and Cree share a look, having a silent conversation. Axel gives me a sad smile with a small nod. Wild looks conflicted, like he’s not sure where he stands on the matter, which honestly, is confusing. My face must show that because he leans over and gives me a hug, whispering in my ear, “I’m proud of you, Riles. Your sister is, too.” I snap my head back so fast I almost smack my face against his nose, our faces are so close I can see my reflection in his eyes. My mouth is hanging open like a cod fish. He chuckles at me as he slides a finger under my chin and pushes my bottom jaw back into place.
I finally get a hold of my facilities enough to stammer out, “I ... I ... I don’t understand. How?”
Still chuckling at my surprise, Wild states, “It’s a gift, Riles. It’s called dream walking, and it’s a gift that we’ll explore more when you're ready. I promise. But for now, just know Grace is immensely proud of the progress you’ve made and is cheering you on. She has faith in you. You will fight for your future. For your rightful place. I believe that’s how she worded it. She also asked me to remind you to keep your head up and take it one day at a time.”
Hearing her words coming out of someone else—I almost don’t believe him. A crack in the walls widens, and tears flow down my cheeks, unable to hold them back. I squeeze Enzo’s hand tight, but he doesn’t pull away. My breath hitches with every intake.
“One more thing, she said you still need that swear jar.” At that I burst into a mix of sobbing and laughing. That was so Gracey and something he couldn’t know about unless he’s seen her.
The others are watching our exchange, equal expressions of confusion and anger on their faces. I’m unable to contain the hysterical laughter that continues to bubble through me. Pain from years of grief at her loss, and anger that she left me, war with the thrill of joy that lightens my heart at knowing I’m not crazy. Wild’s seen her. He’s talked to her.
Enzo must pick up on some of the emotional turmoil that wars inside of me as he continues to ground me to the present. Rubbing his thumb along my pulse point and gently squeezing my hand so I won’t get lost in my head—in the past.
Reed stands from the table, walks around, and kneels in front of me, bringing us to eye level. He hones in on my hand laced with Enzo’s and grins. Rather than pulling away like I thought he would; Enzo squeezes my hand a little tighter, almost like he is staking a claim. Reed chuckles slightly before regaining his composure.
He looks me in the eye when he speaks. “Riley, I have to be honest with you. I don’t like the idea of you being alone. Sitting at home with only your thoughts to keep you company … the temptations to drown it all away are going to be stronger. That being said, I understand where you’re coming from. I may not agree, but I understand. You don’t want to be dependent on us—not that we’d mind—just so you know.” He smiles, and I return it wholeheartedly. Gods, it feels good to smile.
Leaning forward, I place a light kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Reed. I know you guys don’t mind me relying on you. But I mind. I’ve always been independent, and I need to prove to myself that I can still rely on myself to take care of me. How can I ask it of others if I can’t ask it of myself first?”
“I get it, babe. Just remember, we’re here for you if you need us. And it’s not a weakness to ask for help.” He places a kiss on my forehead, then stands, and walks back up the hall to his room. The break in his voice and the falter in his step has me wanting to jump up. To run after him and wrap my arms around him. To reassure him I’ll be okay. That I’m not going anywhere. Only I can’t promise him any of that. If I was correct about Grace’s message, she wants me to take back the Shadowcrest Pack.
A fight is going to ensue, and if I’m going to survive this, I need to be stronger. I need to fight for me. For them. For the pack. For Grace. I start to laugh, and Wild joins me. I glance up at him, still laughing. “You knew, didn’t you?”
