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That was what I decided when I got off the phone with Camden and settled into the reality that it truly was real now.
I'd made the decision. I'd taken the position. And I was here now, ready to start this next chapter in my career and my life. The chapter I'd been wanting to start for a long time, I reminded myself. This wasn't just a nice promotion or a chance to start something different and see what it was like. I’d wanted to be a full professor and work at a university since the beginning of my teaching career. It was what I had always envisioned when I thought about my future and what I wanted to do with it.
I'd finally achieved what I'd been striving for since I’d made the decision as a little girl to teach.
Now it was here. I'd done it. I'd proven myself and gained the recognition I'd wanted. It didn't have the thrill I thought it would. A year ago, if someone had told me I would be here, I would expect to be jumping out of my skin with excitement and ready to jump right in.
That was how I wanted to feel. I decided I was going to say my excitement was dampened because everything had happened so fast. My emotions were so wrapped up in what was happening with Camden that I hadn't really gotten a chance to process anything else. I was looking at this opportunity through narrowed eyes. Rather than seeing it for the amazing step-up it was, I was only thinking about the challenges and the painful thoughts surrounding Camden.
But I wanted all that behind me. I wanted to feel that thrill and get the most out of every second of this. Camden was obviously going to be just fine without me around, so why was I letting myself question achieving my dream because of him?
I knew the answer to that, even if I didn't really want to admit it or say it out loud, even to myself. The strength of the feelings I had for him was shocking. I'd never felt this kind of intensity for anyone, and before the call came to offer me the position, I’d had the feeling we were on our way toward something much more serious.
As I walked out of the little house the university had provided, my phone rang. My heart jumped a little, but when I looked at the screen, I saw it wasn't Camden, but Brianne.
"Hi," I answered.
"You sure do know how to make a best friend feel loved and missed," she said.
"I'm sorry," I said. "Of course I love and miss you. I just have a lot on my mind."
"A lot? Or just one thing?" she asked.
"Did you just call to show off your occasionally eerily accurate best friend mind-meld skills?" I asked.
"I like to think of it as best-ESP. Because you're my bestie, and…"
"You have ESP. I got it," I said. "But yes, just one thing. For right now, at least. And I don't want to. I really don't want to be thinking about Camden so much."
"Why not?" she asked. "He's probably a lot of fun to think about."
"He is, but that's not the point. He didn't even flinch when I told him I was coming here. And I did a video chat with him to show him around the house a bit, and he seemed completely fine. Like it was no big deal to him that I wasn't around anymore," I said.
"I really doubt that's the case," she said. "But even if it is, that's fine."
"I'm glad you think so," I said.
"It is, Kristen. It's fine. You've been working hard for this. This is your time. You should be taking it all in and having a fabulous time getting accustomed to your new surroundings. Finding great restaurants. Exploring parks. Desperately missing your best friend but taking strength in our childhood blood vow to never forget each other. All the usual things people do when they relocate. Not just thinking about him."
"I know. And I'm going to get there. The thing is, I don't know if it's just him that's making me feel this way," I said.
"What do you mean?" Brianne asked. "Do you have another guy on the side I don't know about?"
"No," I said, happy for the slight laugh she inspired. "I just mean I feel off around here. It's not just about Camden. Something just doesn't feel right."
"Yet," my best friend said. "It doesn't feel right yet. It will. You're not used to being away from home. You got used to teaching at the community college and the people there. You knew the campus and the buildings, and you liked your place here. It's going to feel strange getting into the groove there, but you will. You'll find all the little things about that campus and city that will become a part of your daily life, and you're going to love it. And when I come to visit, you'll show them all to me."
"You better come to visit," I said.
"I've already started mapping out the road trip."
The conversation had me feeling emotional, and I appreciated her being there for me. I already missed her, but it was comforting to know she believed in me and was already planning on coming to visit soon. We chatted for a little longer about everything going on in her life. I still thought of it as "back home" and figured I probably always would, no matter how long I stayed here. Even though I’d just arrived, I was homesick. I needed to fight that feeling, to push past it so I could start enjoying this new opportunity.
Immersing myself in the area became my mission for the next few days. Like Brianne suggested, I wanted to find all the places that would make up my new lifestyle there. I needed a coffee shop and a grocery store, a new favorite breakfast stop, and a convenience store I could visit in the middle of the night if needed. Most of all, I needed a sense of normalcy.
The morning of my first day of classes came, and I found myself rushing around getting ready. Even though I'd picked out clothes the day before and laid out everything I needed before I went to bed, I still ended up changing outfits a few times before running out the door. Living on the edge of campus meant I was far closer to my lecture hall than I had been at the community college, so I still felt like I had enough time to get to class and be ready by the time the students came in.
That is, until I got halfway across campus and realized I didn't know where I was. I'd spent so much time exploring the neighborhoods and city surrounding the campus I forgot to really get used to the campus itself. Now I was turned around and couldn't figure out where I was supposed to go.
