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After gathering myself, I followed JJ’s advice. Fuck, I’d never reacted to anyone the way I did to him. It was troubling, for all the aforementioned reasons. Too young, too happy and effervescent for me. A student. Wrong. But something even worse was happening to me now. My initial attraction to him had been purely sexual, but now, I wanted not only to fuck him; I wanted him. Wanted to have conversations with him. To hold him in my arms. To see him in my flat, curled up on my sofa in those ridiculous socks, completely at home in my space in a way that no one had ever been.
I wanted him in all the ways it was possible to want someone, but I couldn’t have him. Trying to tie down someone like JJ was like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. He was too bright and too beautiful for me.
Honestly, even the thought of keeping him came as a shock. I’d always been…if not satisfied with my life, I was indifferent, at the very least, and here he was, stealing my time, turning my ordered world upside down, making me look at things from a completely new point of view. He was so different to anyone else I’d ever known before, so different from me, but somehow, it was so easy between us, and I didn’t think either of us understood how or why.
I glanced across the bar, making sure that none of my colleagues noticed. I’d been sneaking looks at him all evening. He drew my attention like nothing and no one else. There he was, standing against the wall, a cocktail in hand, with two other guys who seemed just as confident and self-assured as he was. One was around the same height and build as JJ, with a vaguely familiar face, and the other was a short, twink-ish guy with a mop of dark hair. Together, they made an incredibly good-looking trio, and they spoke to each other with expressive hand gestures and smiles on their faces, at ease and comfortable in each other’s presence in the way that only close friends could be.
I envied their ease.
Turning back to Gage, who I’d finally managed to draw into conversation after making the rounds—thanks to JJ’s voice in my head—I said, “Are you happy now?”
He smirked at me. “About you being here? I’m fucking ecstatic, mate. Honestly? I thought you wouldn’t show up, even though both Stuart and I begged you to.” His smirk disappeared, and he stepped closer. “Seriously, thanks for coming. Not that I had anything to do with organising this, but Stuart was saying his wife’s had a tough time. She gave up work when they had their kids, and he said she really missed socialisation. Apparently, she gets a year’s maternity leave or something, but she’s going a bit crazy being at home all day with no adult contact.”
“Being at home with no adult contact sounds—actually, no. I could do without the contact, but not the being at home part. I’m out of the flat at six in the morning most days, and I don’t usually return until the evening.” Usually late in the evening, thanks to the long hours in my office, and most of the time, when I got home, it wasn’t long before I fell into bed after eating. Then in the mornings, I’d wake up at five, get to the gym for six, and have an hour’s workout before showering and grabbing coffee on my way to work. My routine had been a little disrupted lately, thanks to JJ’s presence, and while it would usually leave me feeling out of control, somehow, I didn’t mind when it came to him.
I sighed, and Gage misinterpreted the sound. “Yeah, you work too hard. I’m glad you’re finally beginning to realise it.”
“That wasn’t?—”
Gage nudged me in the side with his elbow. “Never mind that. Go on, talk to John. Butter him up a bit. He’s the one retiring, but he has an active role in the recruitment process for his successor.”
“Fine.”
He laughed, nudging me again, and I shot him a glare before resigning myself to the fact that I was going to have to do this if I wanted any peace. And if it meant I could get out of here sooner, even better.
“John. What are you drinking? Can I get you another?”
John glanced up at me, surprise flickering in his gaze. “Killian. Oh. Yes. I’ll take another of those…” He squinted towards the bar. “The tap with the blue label. Thank you.”
“I’ll be right back.” Turning to the bar, I ordered him a pint and another glass of Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc for myself. I’d need to make this one last because the last thing I wanted was to end up tipsy around my work colleagues. I had a strict two-drink policy every time I was dragged out to forcibly socialise.
When I returned, John accepted the drink with a word of thanks, and I attempted a smile, JJ’s words playing in my mind. Eye contact. Conversation. Work-related. I could do this.
Lightly clasping the stem of my glass, I focused on John’s face. “What are your plans for retirement? Will you miss the place, or are you glad to see the back of it?”
Rubbing a hand over his silvery beard, he pursed his lips in thought. “Ah, the question without a true answer. I have several things in the works. The wife has her eye on an Alaskan cruise, so no doubt that’ll be first on the agenda. My allotment needs replanting, so that’s another, and we’re thinking of downsizing, maybe getting a bungalow or even a flat. Something more manageable in the long term.” After swigging from his pint, he continued. “I’ll miss the place. Been there for years. To be honest, though, I don’t think I’ll miss the students. Maybe my tolerance has depleted over the years, but they seem so…immature. Young people these days…” He grimaced, and I had to lift a hand to my mouth to hide my own grimace, although mine was for a completely different reason to his.
“Sounds like a good time for you to retire,” I said through gritted teeth, following my words with a large gulp of wine.
Lifting his brows, he eyed me with amusement. “I hear you’re angling for my job.” Thankfully, he didn’t seem to expect a response from me. “Play your cards right, and you’ve got it in the bag. Or should I say—keep playing your cards right. Dependable Dr. Wilder with an incredible work ethic, always going above and beyond, never any hint of a scandal, instilling a healthy respect for authority in impressionable young minds. For what it’s worth, you have my vote if things continue as they are.”
I coughed, jerking my head once in a movement that I hoped would come off as an agreement. Fuck. This was my reputation, wasn’t it? My gaze slid to Stuart, who was watching me with interest, and I attempted to silently communicate that I needed help. Whatever expression he saw on my face had him heading straight over to us, smoothly cutting into the conversation. “Killian, excuse me. Could I have a quick word with John? John, I wondered if we could discuss…”
Their voices faded, becoming indistinguishable among the crowds as they melted away, and I took another large gulp of wine, my mind racing.
My reputation was going to get me my dream job.
I could socialise—tonight had proved it, even if I found it difficult.
I just needed to continue as I was, which meant…
My eyes connected with a pair of bright blue ones all the way over on the other side of the room, and the stab of pain felt almost physical.
It meant that I couldn’t afford to continue this…thing—whatever it was—with JJ. The risk was too great.
His eyes widened, and I could see the concern in them, even from the distance of my position from his. But then he broke eye contact as his friend leaned into him, saying something that made JJ smile warmly and the shorter guy grin at them both. They were so different from me.
Tearing my gaze away, I deliberately turned my back, interrupting my colleagues’ heated discussion on teaching methods and throwing myself into the conversation. This, I could do.
