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I blinked rapidly, desperately trying to hold back my tears, because I sensed that if he saw how upset I was, he’d stop talking, and I wanted him to continue. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted him to share everything with me. I wanted to be the person who he confided in. The person who could show him the love he’d never had.
Wait.
Love.
Was that what I felt for Killian?
It was too big to comprehend. I locked it away and concentrated on him. Only him. My wonderful, complicated doctor.
“The final straw came when I was seventeen, and my foster mother accused me of stealing her rent money. I hadn’t touched it, but…suffice to say, she didn’t believe me. She got my foster dad involved, and after the beating he gave me, I packed my rucksack with everything I had, and I left. I…it was a struggle for a while, but I had plenty of incentive to succeed, and that was what I did.” His voice grew stronger. “I got perfect results in my A levels and was instantly accepted to a business degree course. I’ve been throwing myself into work ever since. Always trying to better myself. To prove that I mean something. That—” He paused, sucking in a shocked breath, as if something had just occurred to him. “That’s why I want this promotion,” he continued, his voice full of wonder. “So I can prove that I mean something.”
Oh, fuck.
There was no way I could stop my tears, not now, and so I buried my face in his pillow, hoping I could hide them from him. He didn’t say anything, but I felt him take a few shuddering breaths, so maybe he was struggling just as much as I was.
I didn’t trust myself to speak, but I wanted to tell him that he did mean something. That he was already so accomplished, and he had nothing to prove to anyone. He meant something to so many people. He’d touched the lives of hundreds of students, even if they didn’t all appreciate his teaching methods. He was caring and intelligent and so fucking sexy, and I was the luckiest man in the entire world to have him in my life.
“I-I wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” I eventually managed, my voice cracking over the words. “You’re amazing, Killian. You don’t need to change anything about you. Not one single thing. You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
“What the fuck would you know?” His words lashed at me, harsh and unforgiving. I shrank away from him, trying to remind myself that he was feeling vulnerable and raw.
The next second, he was on me, wrapping me in his arms and burying his face in my throat.
“I’m sorry, baby. So sorry. I didn’t mean…fuck. I’m sorry.”
Twisting in his arms, I met his distraught gaze. “I know you didn’t, but please don’t take it out on me.”
“I know. I’m sorry. You’re so…you’re— Fuck, JJ. I don’t even know what you’re doing here with me.”
This man. “I’m here because I want to be, okay? Just trust me. I don’t do anything I don’t want to.”
Shaking his head, he pulled me even closer. “My sunshine. I know you’re only temporary, but I’ll never forget how you lit up my life. How you made everything better.”
“Kill—”
Pressing a finger to my lips, he stopped me in my tracks. “Don’t speak.”
I looked at him, really looked at him, and in the soft light of dawn, I saw the dampness coating his lashes and the sadness in his eyes. I closed my mouth, closed my eyes, and held him.
There was nothing else I could do.
20
Ander had been onto something with the dance class, and the way Killian had opened up to me afterwards had been an incredible privilege that I’d never, ever take for granted. He’d been quiet since, or more so than normal, and I’d given him his space because I had the feeling that opening up to me had shaken him. A lot. It had shaken me, too, to be the one he confided in when we were only…whatever we were…in a situationship, maybe, and he kept reiterating that it was temporary and I was too young, and all the other excuses he kept telling us both.
I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, either, and I’d been completely unprepared for the way he’d worked his way into my life and made himself at home so easily—despite what he said—but what I did know was that I wanted him to stay, in whatever capacity I could have him. It had been the sex and instant physical attraction that had brought us together, but now it was more. Much more. He was someone I was beginning to care deeply about, and I wasn’t going to let him go without a fight. And so, here we were. Ander’s dance class idea had, in turn, given me an idea.
“G, you remember Killian, right?”
My grandma rolled her eyes at me and smacked my arm with the magazine she’d been reading. “Yes, Josh, of course I remember your hot doctor.” She glanced at Killian, her eyes twinkling merrily, and I steeled myself for whatever was about to come out of her mouth. “He’s been the talk of the complex. Very handsome. You make a wonderful couple. I’m so happy I got to see you with your true love before I pass on to higher places.”
For fuck’s sake. “G. Please. Have you been on the gin already?”
Killian’s cheeks were flushed, but there was an amused smirk on his face. “Glynis. It’s lovely to see you again.” Handing her the tiny but ridiculously expensive box of chocolates he’d brought with him, he gave her a genuine smile, taking her free hand and placing a kiss to the back of it. Something inside me fucking melted.
“You too, dear.” Her gaze flicked back to me. “Josh, I hope you’re noting this behaviour down. Your doctor has wonderful manners.”
“He does,” I said, far too softly and fondly, and both of them stared at me. Clearing my throat, I attempted to regain my usual composure. “I thought he could watch our dance class today.”
