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We lock eyes and a chill washes over me. I don’t think there are any words that can fix this. I turn away from him, him holding her. I vow to make sure I finish the business at hand for the foundation and tonight’s event. That’s bigger than me. But that’s it. That’s all I’ll be able to stomach.
Wes cuts into their dance. I get a long, well-placed smirk from the silver wrecking ball. He’s trying to keep Tori occupied long enough so Eli can try to talk to me alone. “Please listen to me.”
“I can’t listen. I don’t want to listen. Do what you’re going to do with her.MaybeI’ll be ready another time. But not today. I’m going to stay to see the evening through for Sam and his event, then I will say my polite goodbyes. I’ll be the only one not making a scene tonight.”
“Viper…”
“No.” I hold up my hand. “Just no. You, of all people, should understand what I just saw and how it feels.” I have to walk away with some dignity before I cry, before I scream, and before he truly sees how much he just hurt me. Although with what I just said, there should be no mistaking it.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Dylan
I stayed up all night doing the only thing I thought would calm me down. I rehearsed. Ballet. Contemporary. Lyrical. Crump. Hip-hop. I even made a fusion of the five. It all sucked because nothing can take back what I saw, how I walked away, how I hurt him, and how he didn’t come after me. Simply, I hate how Elijah and I left things yesterday.
I’ve only had one love in my life. Dance. That’s the only thing I have to judge love by. It’s the only love I trust completely. It never lies to you. It makes you free. You’re never confined to one being. You’re allowed to take on whatever spirit moves you from the music.
That’s what I should have told him. It’s not about her. I’m more confident than that. It’s about the dance and what seeing them together represents to me. Elijah has never lied to me about anything. I should’ve listened.
I look around inside my studio apartment and he’s everywhere. I didn’t realize how much. His tie is hanging over my ballet bar. His slides are next to mine by the door. The scentof the candle he bought me because I said it smelled like him, still lingers in the air.
We’re twisted together.
I’m in love with him. It’s not just about the dance. I love him.
I need to see him. I need to apologize for getting so angry and tell him why. He didn’t try to hurt me. I just didn’t want to listen. I was angry at myself and not him, because I was actually insecure about her, when all I had to do was trust in what he’s always said. I need to tell him I believe him. I need to tell him I’ve chosen. I need to say I love you before I lose my nerve. I start digging in my duffel bag for my car keys. I should take the subway, but when you suddenly realize how you want your life to be, you want it to start as soon as possible.
The entire drive over to his apartment I’m talking to myself. I’m deciding what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it. I swear to God I hit every light between my place and his. With each stop, I’m rescripting what I want to say. I think the poor guy, who was next to me at every light, thought I was fucking crazy by the time I got to Elijah’s.
The morning doorman is there to greet me with a wide smile. The ride in the elevator is the last few seconds I have to practice the final version. What it boils down to is: I love him. That’s it. Simple. Straightforward.God, I hope he says it back.
I walk, and partially run, down the hall to his door. It’s early, like 8:00 am, early for a Sunday. I hope he’s not on a run. Maybe he’s cooking his special breakfast.Jesus. Breathe.I take a deep breath while I pull my hair down from the bun on my head. I’m sure I look like a wild mess. Then I think for a moment. It will be how I looked the first night we met.
Reaching up, I knock on the door, softly at first. The longer it takes, the more my heart sinks. I come to say I love you and he’s not even home. This is my luck. Just when I decide to leave, I hear footsteps inside. He is home.Oh my God. Oh my God.
I hear the chain falling away from the door and the dead bolt turning. As the door cracks open, his vintageJoshua TreeT-shirt hits my line of sight. Only, he’s not the one wearing it. It’s the shirt I was wearing just the night before last. She’s got flawless olive skin, dark eyes, and wild dark hair. She looks different than she did last night. She used to have his last name. Tori.
“Hi. May I help you?” she says.
I’m surprised I’m able to form a full sentence. “I’m looking for Elijah. Why are you here?”
“The question is, why are you? You left last night quickly, from what I recall, leaving Eli to finish the night on his own. I stepped in.”
“That’s what I need to discuss with him. Where is he?”
“Myhusbandwent for a run. He should be back soon. Is there a message I can leave or would you like to wait with me?” She opens the door wider. I can see a trail of her coat, handbag, and her silver gown leading around the corner.
Like a punch to the gut, all the air leaves my lungs. Even if you put an ex in front of that word, she’s got a hold on him I don’t have. She’s been the thing he so desperately needs. Goddamn. “No. I don’t want towaitwith you.”I don’t want to be near you.
“We haven’t been formally introduced. I’m his wife, Victoria.”
Wife. The more I hear that word, especially from her, I want to puke right here and now. “I… I’m Dylan. We did meet last night sort of. You might not remember.”
“I think I knowexactlywho you are. I’ll tell him you stopped by. Next time, call first, just in case.”
My stomach rolls over.Next time?“There won’t be a next time.” As I awkwardly turn away from the door, I can feel her eyes stare into the back of my head until I’m halfway down the hall. I hear a small laugh until the door latches. I sprint for theelevator. I jam the button over and over, praying this one time it will make the car come quicker.
Once the doors close me in, I double over in hysterical tears. I grab the bar that wraps around the inside of the elevator. My grip turns first a pale pink then white. I find it harder and harder to breathe with each floor I descend. As a dancer, you look for the holes that rip you open and climb in. I know I’ve found the biggest hole of my life.
