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Dialing through the different songs, I scroll back and forth. Each one has its own meaning or another way I can pull at him. I keep stopping on the same one. It’s from one of his favoritealbums. It’s the song that brought us together in the first place. I slide my finger over the triangle to start the playback.
The first notes of the guitar fill the space between us. I turn up the volume just enough, so it blends with the beat of his heart. The lyrics. The lyrics have always been made for us. The thing that’s different this time is I can’t look into his eyes. I close my eyes and pretend I’m looking into his.
I remember every move from that first night. His fingers in my back. The way they slid into the grooves between my ribs. I’d spun like a wild ballerina in his hands, and he never lost hold. The song says so many times over and over again, I’ll wait for you.
I am waiting, Eli. I’m right here.
Leaning in, I press my lips as close to his as I can get. The corner of his mouth and cheek begin to tremble beneath mine. Is he moving? Am I imagining it? I open my eyes to be sure. The movement is expanding to all parts of his body. The monitor starts beeping all over the place and so fast. His hand is twitching in mine. I slide off the bed as the door whooshes open.
Three nurses and Dr. Collier rush in. I can see Jack standing in the hallway. I’m so confused. One of the nurses blocks my view. “You’ll need to leave.”
“What’s happening?” I try to get past her to see Eli.
“You’ll need to leave now. Go in the hall.”
She walks me backward while all I can see is chaos in front of me. Eli’s body is twitching. His legs that were once still are twisting side to side. One nurse is lowering the head of his bed flat while trying to hold his head still without restricting his movements.
“Someone, please answer me,” I cry.
I feel a tug on my biceps from behind. “Let them work.”
Jack’s pulling me out into the hallway, away from where I can see Eli. “No. I need to be with him. What happened? Why aren’t they saying anything?”
“I don’t know, Dylan. I don’t know.”
Jack doesn’t let go of me. We both watch into the room terrified. Two nurses are on the far side of the bed. One seems intent on his vital signs. The other is putting some kind of medication into his IV. Dr. Collier and the nurse who forced me out are on this side. The doctor is checking things with Eli’s head. I don’t know quite what but she’s doing what I was dreaming I could, checking his eyes.
In what feels like forever, Elijah slowly begins to settle. All four of them talk over his body before the two on the far side stay near Eli. The nurse who backed me out walks past us without a word to the main station. I turn and call out to her. “Isn’t anybody going to talk to us?”
Dr. Collier comes out of Eli’s room immediately foaming her hands. As she’s rubbing them together, she watches all the disinfectant disappear before she answers my question. “Mr. Sawyer, Dylan… What you witnessed was a seizure. I was hoping Eli would avoid this, but he didn’t.”
Now I’m the one shaking in Jack’s hands. “What does this mean?”
“We gave him medication to hopefully prevent any other seizure activity. Unfortunately, I think we’ve reached that point I was talking about earlier. I’m having my team assembled in the operating room. We need to remove the blood to relieve the pressure now. I’m going to get ready while they prep him. I’ll come out and speak to all of you when the surgery is finished. Stay hopeful. Okay?”
I can’t even begin to formulate a single question or response before she’s gone through the heavy doors. I hear them click closed and shudder. In the few seconds we’d been talking tothe doctor, Eli was already set for transport. The sliding glass door of his room was pulled wide to accommodate his bed being wheeled into the hallway.
The harsh fluorescent lights make the cuts and bruises on his body even more evident. “Wait,” I beg. I lean in and kiss Eli’s forehead, where his father’s lips had been not so long ago, then move my lips toward his ear. “I know you heard those lyrics. Leave off the with, I can’t livewithoutyou.”
As the bed rolls farther and farther away, I realize my phone is gone. “Where’s my phone? I was playing music for Eli on it when…”
“We’ll find it.”
Jack and I both go back into the empty suite. I thought it was eerie in here with all the alarms before. Now I hate the quiet they leave behind even worse. The only thing left is the muffled sound of music. At the base of Eli’s bedside table, I see the back of my phone case.
The microphone and screen are facing the floor. Jack bends down to pick up the case to hand it to me. The song that’s playing isn’t one I’ve heard many times before. Eli must have added it. As I clue into the lyrics, it’s what I wish he would wake up and tell me.I love you ‘cause I need to.
I grip the phone and hide my eyes with both hands in a lame attempt to hide my sobs. Eli’s father pulls me in for a hug. My hands and arms are pinned between us. I’m trapped. I’m in this nightmare I need him to wake from.
Chapter Thirty
Dylan
The way back to the waiting room seems so long. When I walked it the first time, I was hyper aware of every sight and sound. Coming out, I see and hear nothing. Eli’s grandfather has dozed off in one of the chairs. Nothing would change by waking him, so we let him sleep until the rest of the family returns.
The look on my face left nothing to question when they did. Wes knew it instantly. I wanted so badly to comfort someone, to be that cheerleader saying everything would be okay. I’m usually that person. I’m that person for Eli. I couldn’t form the words. I heard them all from Jack. I processed them. I didn’t have any way to communicate that made sense.
I hold on to Eli’s sweater wrapped around me, as each person who loves him wrestles with their fear in their own way. Wes takes off his ball cap and throws it against the wall. Hayley sets her coffee down in front of me, grabs her coat, and leaves for a while. Evie holds on to Andy and him to her. Eli’s mother takes a seat by my side to hold my hand.
