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I pause. “I remember you being here when I was drifting in and out of consciousness. Did… did something happen?”
Carter’s face is smooth and expressionless, giving nothing away. But I know something is wrong by the way he holds himself and by the tight set of his shoulders.
Why can’t I remember?
Carter releases a deep breath. “A lot of fucked up shit has happened, dove, but you don’t need to worry about any of that right now. The important thing is that you and the baby are safe.”
My mouth falls open. “You know about the baby?”
“I saw the note. I almost missed it, by the way, so the next time, you should try telling me instead,” Carter says, his lips lifting into the ghost of a smile. “This isn’t the kind of thing I should find out from a note.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Carter searches my face, some of the shadows lifting from his face. “You want to keep the baby, right?”
I grip his hands tighter. “I know it’s not going to be easy, but I want to be a mom, Carter. For what it’s worth, I think you’re going to make a great father.”
Carter releases my hands and stands up. “I don’t know about that. I’ve had to do a lot of shit the past few days to keep you all safe.”
“Why would you…” I trail off as an image comes to mind. When I blink, I see Rich standing across from Tristan, who is panting and bleeding profusely. My heart starts to pound in my chest when another memory comes to mind. One with the gun Carter had given me, the same one I held to Rich’s chest.
All at once, I see the two of us wrestling for control, and I can smell Rich’s blood wafting up my nostrils. I see his mouth form a surprised “O” before he crumples into a heap on the ground. I gasp, sit up straighter, and turn tear-filled eyes to Carter.
“What’s the matter, dove? What happened?”
I shake my head. “I… I can’t tell you.”
Carter’s expression is wounded. “What do you mean you can’t tell me? We don’t keep secrets from each other, dove. Not when it really counts.”
I bury my face in my hands, my shoulders heaving. “I can’t tell you because you’re not going to look at me the same way if I do.”
The bed dips, and I hear Carter sit down. He moves closer to me, but the bed is too small, and I can’t get away from him fast enough. I don’t want to feel his arms around me, and I don’t want him to stroke my hair. I especially don’t want him to be kind and understanding because I don’t deserve it.
“I’m not the same woman you fell in love with,” I whisper from behind closed fingers, my voice catching toward the end. “I’m spoiled now, Carter.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
My hands tremble as I pull them away and meet Carter’s gaze directly. “You shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry you wasted your time on me.”
Carter stands up, his eyes sweeping over my face. “Whatever fucked up joke this is, you need to stop. It isn’t funny.”
Tears roll down my cheeks now. “I’m not kidding, Carter. We can’t go back to the way things were. I… I don’t even know if I can be a mom anymore.”
Or if I should be.
Our baby deserves better than two parents with blood on their hands and a slew of dead bodies in their wake. But I can’t change what I’ve done, no matter how much I wish I could.
Carter’s expression darkens. “No.”
“What do you mean no?”
Carter draws closer until he is mere inches away from my face. His eyes blaze with emotion, and his body is coiled. “I am not going to let you push me away. Not again.”
I try to look away from him, but he won’t let me.
Carter places two fingers under my chin and holds my head in place. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
My lower lip trembles and quivers. “No.”
