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I know what he’s doing, he’d told me about his ritual a few weeks after we started studying together. He’d confided in me that his beloved grandmother had recently passed away and whenever anything good happens to him on the soccer pitch, he looks up at the sky, knowing she’s watching over him.
“Not sure,” I mumble.
“Well, I know what he’s doing now. He’s looking at you.” She smirks at me and I glance down to where Matthew is now staring up in our direction, a huge grin on his face.
“He could be looking at anyone.” I wave at my heated cheeks wanting to sink into my seat and become invisible. But also wanting to bask in the glow of his attention.
“Oh my gosh, Laura. He’s looking at you!”
The high-pitched squeal of Kate Fisher, the second-most popular girl in school, draws our attention to the row of girls sitting behind us, who all look perfectly made up in their Redback jerseys and their straightened hair. Ugh, they’re amazing.
Laura Smith gives her friends a fake self-conscious look and smirks. “Do you think so?”
Laura is the queen bee of our school, the Serena to Kate’s Blair.
“He’s so into you…” They gush among each other, each upping the ante with their compliments of their leader and top dog.
I listen with sinking spirits as they talk about Matthew as if they own him. And why wouldn’t they? He fits perfectly in their perfect world.
“Don’t listen to them,” Bianca hisses at me as my shoulders slump. “He’s looking at you.”
My eyes flit between Matthew, who’s back on the field, oblivious of the turmoil he’s caused and the girls—women—behind me. He wasn’t looking at me. And the sooner I get used to that idea, the better. Because my heart has been running away from my brain; running us straight into heartbreak trouble.
*****
In the weeks after the Redbacks win the Grand Final, Matthew gets drafted to the Melbourne Thunderbirds, the local team a division below the big league. I try to keep my distance from him, to keep him at arms-length to let my heart adjust to the reality that he’s not mine, he’s never going to be mine and that he’s leaving my world in just one short week.
“I can’t believe I’m graduating in five days,” Matthew drawls into my ear, placing his arm around my shoulder and cuddling me close.
This will not do.
“You must be hanging to get out of here,” I reply, edging out from underneath him, ignoring the hurt flashing on his face.
“I don’t know…there are a few things I’m going to miss seeing every day.”
I’m about to probe further when his expression silences me. He’s looking at me like I’m the thing he’s going to miss and I can’t handle any of that.
“Ah uh,” I mumble non-committedly, not wanting any further information about who or what he’ll miss when he leaves this place.
“There is one last thing I’m looking forward to…”
I hazard a glance up at him, his eyes like beacons to mine.
“The school formal.”
I gulp. This is the one topic we’ve avoided talking about, among all the topics we spend hours discussing. I’ve just not wanted to hear who he’s taking with him; even though the rumour mill has him currently going with no one.
“Nat, I want to—”
I cut him off, not wanting him to tell me who the lucky girl was. My heart can’t take knowing for sure that she’s not me.
“I’ve got to go, Matthew,” I tell him, turning abruptly and walking away from him. Direction unknown.
“Natalie!”
I ignore the plea I hear in his voice and duck into the nearest girls’ bathroom. A sanctuary where he can’t follow me. To be on the safe side, in case he decides to brave this frontier, I lock myself into a toilet stall and sit on the closed lid, prepared to wait him out.
After counting to one thousand—Mississippilly, thank you, Ross Gellar—I decide the coast is probably clear, but just then I hear the sound of high-pitched voices closing in. I freeze in place, door closed, as I hear that my name is the topic of their gossip session.
