AllFreeNovel
Share Us
My heart sinks through the floor. I love the damn meet-and-greet. It’s the best part before the weekend gets bogged down in tedious, note-taking lectures. The thought of spending it in a hotel room, crouched over my cell phone with Quade in my ear, is destroying my soul by inches.
“You wouldn’t wanna make me wait, would you? Curiosity might kill me on the next plane,” I sweetly implore, prodding him to launch into whatever it is.
“No Cookie, I wouldn’t want to do that,” he responds like a man under a spell. He lets out one long, loud exhale and begins. “It’s just that…I want to talk about…us.” I meet him with silence. What is this ‘us’ he speaks of? “You know… where our relationship is going. Sometimes I think you’re pulling away from me Cookie, and I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.”
I’m now sitting in the middle of an empty row of seats in an empty gate, looking like a dufus with one hand on my cheek and my jaw fully dropped. I cannot believe what I am hearing. My ex husband wants to know where our relationship is going?? I must have died a few days ago and gone to hell.
“Quade,” I start in with another softening chuckle, “I just don’t know what you mean. We’ve been close friends ever since our divorce…I don’t know what you think has changed.”
“Please…please don’t use the d-word. It was hardly a divorce…more like…a minor adjustment from our original agreement.”
My jaw drops a little farther, which I wouldn’t have thought possible. I had never, in my wildest dreams, imagined our lack of legal finality would come back to haunt me this way.
“Well it does sound like something we should talk about when I’m home Monday,” I stammer out, realizing my time is draining. And if I let him call me later we could easily kill an hour or two, opening a can of worms like this. “Not that there’s anything to discuss,” I reassure him. “But if you feel things are changing, we can certainly talk it over.” I’m using the most benign tone in my inventory of voices, and he still isn’t responding. This is not good. “Quade, whatever you have to say, I’m listening,” I say encouragingly, feigning calmness as I breathlessly hustle back toward our crowded gate.
“Fiona…are you seeing someone?” Two ladies trip over my carry-on as Quade’s question stops me in my tracks.
Who in the hell does he think he is to press me about something that’s none of his business? I quell my rage as I remember he’s merely the madman pulling the puppet strings of my entire life.
“No Quade! No! I don’t know why that would be relevant to you, but I’ve told you before that I’m not. Now what is this about? God knows you didn’t seem to care when I was dating that stupid biker.”
“Exactly. Because the guy was an idiot. He could never fulfill any of the purposes that I do in your life. What I want to make clear to you Cookie, is that you’re not going to be able to replace me, ever, with anyone who’s capable or willing to do half the things that I do for you. Do you realize that? Do you realize that your world turns because I say it does, and that I have the power to stop it just like that?”
Somehow, out of the distortion of Quade’s icy voice, combined with the muck of airport chaos, I manage to distinguish the boarding call for my flight. “Now boarding all remaining rows,” the attendant says.
I look around and see Maxine, standing at the edge of the masses and looking distraught. Finally we make eye contact and I know I have to bail off the phone. I do not want her worrying about me and my personal business.
“Quade, listen…I would never try to replace you in my life or imagine that I could. My plane’s all boarded so I have to go…I’ll be the last one on. Let me call you Monday when I’m home and we can talk longer, okay?”
“Okay Cookie. Okay…I would like that very much. You go do your thing, make lots of good connections, have a nice time with Maxine. And good luck to her…tell her to break a leg.”
“Okay, talk to you in three days. I’ve gotta board now. Bye bye.”
I hang up feeling the sweet relief that Quade likely will leave me alone until Monday. I’m going to have a fun time in Florida, and I’m not going to have one single thought about my disgusting ex husband or my teetering life.
Last in line, I dart down the ramp behind Maxine. “Hey, are you okay?” she asks.
“Yes, fine sweetie. I had to take a last minute call from Quade and I thought he was never gonna let me go,” I respond, smiling like it was the greatest thing ever.
“Whoo…you scared me for a minute there.”
Once we settle into our seatbelts, I’m happy to see Maxine’s headphones come out right away. I’d love to engage in as little conversation as possible, since I can’t think of anything that wouldn’t be a whole lot of negative complaining about my life. And I definitely don’t need to be sharing those types of personal problems with an employee. But oh, what I wouldn’t give to be sitting next to Holly right now. I can’t tell whether I want to scream or cry, and the confusing combination is pushing me toward another panic attack that I really cannot have on an airplane full of strangers.
I close my eyes and do my best to get comfortable against my new rock-hard airplane pillow, which doesn’t resemble anything a human being would ever be able to sleep or relax against. But I just paid thirty-five bucks for this bitch and I’m going to use it. I’ll pretend I’m asleep until Maxine’s deep into her headphones and the most extreme danger of eye contact has passed.
To my surprise, I’m overcome by a feeling of serenity after a couple minutes with eyes closed. I feel distant, separated from the bustle around me, and a comfortable sense of presence overtakes my previous turmoil. I decide to run with the feeling and begin clearing my mind for meditation. The din of the crowd grows silent as we begin our ascent, my thoughts of Quade and my freshly ruined home slipping further and further away. I imagine that I’m leaving them behind with the Earth, and begin to drop into the transcendent. Something awaits me there that’s subtler than thought, more like a sensation of peace…which then morphs into a vision. I see a pair of eyes, large and brown, darkly lashed but not feminine. I feel rested in the line of their gaze, as though they’re seeing through all the foibles of my life without judgment. My emotions are held still by them, contained, pacified at last.
The next thing I know, a flight attendant is handing Maxine a fizzing cup of something on ice and a packet of peanuts. As I crack my eyes open, the attendant asks if I’d like anything. I decline and have a couple pulls on my water bottle before checking the time. We’re about ninety minutes from touchdown and Maxine looks happy enough to be left alone, apparently immersed in some dreamy headphone world, so I close my eyes and gratefully resume my state of inwardness.
I do not become sleepy this time but remain in a state of relaxed alertness, my mind successfully running a series of pleasant, motivating thoughts in place of the ones I’ve been having lately. Somehow flying toward Florida is creating the illusion that I’m leaving my life behind, entering an alternate reality with no worries. I’ve felt so backed into a corner for the past week that total escapism is my only chance for enjoying the weekend. I must wipe all future concerns from my mind; after all, Monday is just around the corner.
I attempt to settle into the space I was in earlier, with that mysterious pair of eyes softly penetrating my soul. But they don’t return to me, and I slip back into the blackness of desperately needed sleep. Eventually awakening to the harsh clang of a stewardess gabbing through the intercom, I look over and smile at Maxine…who seems pleasant and happy as usual. It’s time to prepare for landing, to return our seats to the upright position and tuck away our belongings, and I’m feeling surprisingly refreshed and renewed…maybe even a little excited again.
“Feeling pumped about tomorrow?” I ask brightly. I may as well begin the pleasantries now since I’ll have an entire weekend of this.
“Yes! I definitely am, but I also don’t wanna think about it too much beforehand. I figure I’ll make the most of tonight and just try to have a relaxed attitude, since I have no idea what kind of flowers we’ll be working with.”
“Have you put some thought into what direction you’re going to go in with your design?” It actually feels unbelievably good to be talking and thinking about something outside of myself.
