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He nervously rearranged the flatware on the table in front of him.
Well, shit. Maybe it was finally time to let Pixie know why he wasn’t normal.Couldn’tbe normal.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for this discussion, Pixie,” he finally admitted, after what evenheknew was too long of a silence. “But I know if I want to keep you as a…friend,” Why was it getting harder and harder to put Pixie into that box? “…I need to tell you about my past.”
When she would have spoken, he shook his head and stopped her.
“No. I want to fill you in because you’re going to start hearing some of it soon, anyway. Just today, some…details of my life came to light with my colleagues, and hell, I promised your sister a conversation when she gets back to town. So, my story, at least some of it, is going to get out there. I also know the LT willbadger me for permission to tell you. Which means I might as well get it off my chest before she puts her spin on it.”
That was a tough call, but Doug didn’t want Pixie hearing things second-hand.
Pixie’s gaze on him was warm and resolute. “No pressure, Doug, but if you think that’s the way you want things to go, I’m listening. But know this. Nothing you say will make me feel any differently about you. I like who you are, and how you conduct yourself. And if we’re opening up here; being honest… Before you start, I need to say that prior to you setting up your…restrictions between us, I was starting to feel an attraction.”
Doug couldn’t help his wince.
“I know,” Pixie soothed, but didn’t seem deterred. “It was good that you said something so soon. That meant I didn’t have time to get carried away. Now, we’re friends. So, consider whatever you tell me to be just between us. I don’t care how much, or what you tell Talia, I won’t discuss you with her unless you give me permission. And Julie doesn’t have to know anything at all, if that makes you feel more comfortable.”
Doug huffed. It’s exactly what he thought he needed to hear from Pixie, but now it irked him. Why should she have to hold his secrets close? It’s not like his horror stories from long ago could jump out and bite him any harder than they already had. And if Will were to be believed, this talking about it shit would do him a lot of good. Sure, it would probably make acquaintances who weren’t ever going to be friends, avoid him. But down deep he knew it would bring other people he knew, closer.
Pixie would be in the latter group. He was sure of it. Along with his LT and some of his co-officers who’d never shunned him during all the times he’d been an asshole.
Yeah.It was time to spill, and not hold Pixie or anyone else accountable for spreading his past around.
“You can talk about this with Talia, as long as you wait until after I’ve filled her in. And I don’t care if you tell Julie. From what you’ve told me, she seems like a nice person, and not one to judge. But Pixie. I don’t want you defending me to anyone who thinks I’m fucked up. Okay?”
She didn’t look happy about that edict, but eventually gave him apartialagreement. “Fine. I’ll only correct them if they spread stuff around that’s patently wrong,” she told him fiercely. “I’m not putting up with any bullshit on your behalf.”
Doug found himself chuckling. “Geeze. Where were you a few years ago when I needed an advocate?”
“Hiding in my bedroom, unable to function anyplace other than home and school,” she told him honestly. “You seemed to have changed that, though. Seriously, Doug. You’ve got a jump on me, sanity-wise. You managed to have a life; attending college, getting jobs on not only the OPD, but on your SWAT team. And now you’ve somehow managed to pull me out of the hole I’ve been hiding in for years. Nobody else has been able to do that.”
Doug felt a warmth in his chest that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Hewantedto be a champion for Pixie. He wanted to be more than what he’d been seeing in himself for so long.
“I’m glad you’re not hiding anymore,” he told her sincerely. “You’re so…good, Pixie. If I weren’t so fucked-up…”Okay.No need to give her false hope. Allowing her into his life in the small way he was able, would have to suffice for now.
“You don’t have to say anything else, Doug. I’m okay with not knowing about your past,” she comforted. Her hand twitched toward his again, and this time he didn’t question himself; he simply reached across the table and took it.
Holy shit.He was touching her.
Her warmth, and the solid grasp she returned…Well damn. It felt right,andemboldened him.
He took a deep breath.
“Remember I told you that my mother—when I got placed with her after my father’s death—was abusive?”
She nodded.
“Well, I…didn’t exactly tell you all of it.”
Another squeeze of her hand, and it gave him courage.
Doug hissed out a lung full of air. “My mother… She was, and still is, a substance abuser; drugs, alcohol; whatever she can get her hands on. When I first came into her home, if you can call the communal, ramshackle house she lives in a home, I was completely unaware of those things. But I quickly learned what all the smoking paraphernalia, needles, and pills lying around were for. Hell, the half dozen women who lived there quickly made me their mule; their errand boy. I was often sent off on my bike to procure certain drugs for them, and peddle others.”
“That’s awful, Doug.” Pixie’s eyes filled with tears.
Maybe this wasn’t the best place to tell the rest, since, by her reaction, she might be bawling by the time he finished.
No.No excuses. Now that he’d started, he needed to finish.
