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“I guess you do, now,” Will chuckled. “So the big question is, what do you want to do about it? Are you going to ditch her again, or try to move forward?”
Doug wasn’t going to beat around the bush. “I want to move forward. I just don’t see how it’s possible. Years of therapy, Will. Years. And I’m still stuck in the same place.”
“Not exactly the same place, Doug. You have a career, friends, people you love. When you first came to me, none of those things would have been possible.”
“Stop dicking around, Will. You know what I’m saying.”
“No. I don’t. Because you’ve never actually spoken it out loud. You’ve inferred it, and I’ve filled in some of the blanks. But I need to hear the words to know you’re finally ready to move on with your life.”
Will was right. It was time for Doug to spit it out. But he didn’t have to like it. He focused on the wall behind Will’s head. “I’ve never had sex as an adult,” he revealed. And damn him, Will didn’t look surprised at all. “But now that Pixie’s come into my life, I want to be the man she’s looking for. Fucking hell, Will. She thinks I’m strong. A hero if you can believe that. How will she react if I can’t get it up for her? Touch her the way she should be touched?” It killed Doug to say all those words, but there was a lot at stake.
He needed to get the rest out, too. He inhaled sharply. “I masturbated last night, and I thought about her.”
When Doug’s eyes realigned with Will’s, he saw a new determination in them.
“That’s a huge break-through, Doug. But I get the feeling your orgasm didn’t make you as happy as it should have.”
Doug shook his head. “I puked afterward.”
“Well, we can’t have that. When you finallydoget together with Pixie, we want a nice after-glow, not a mess to clean up.”
“Don’t be a dick. Can you help me or not?” Doug was through dancing around the issue.
Will nodded. “Do you remember we’ve talked a few times in the past about psilocybin therapy?”
“Mushrooms?” Doug recalled. “Yeah. You’ve mentioned it a time or two.”
“And you never felt you were ready. But maybe you are, now. It’s proving to be amazingly effective with cases of PTSD. I’ve done the classes, Doug,” Will told him. “I’m certified by MAPS, the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, and I can see you through a session if you’ll let me.”
Doug scoffed, a little scared. “It’s not quite…an approved therapy yet, is it?”
“The FDA is looking into giving it the green light. Maybe even later this year. Then I’ll be licensed. But for now…”
Will left it hanging. It wasn’t exactly legal or illegal. It was more of a gray area while things were being tested.
And it wasn’t as if Doug hadn’t done his research regarding the controversial therapy. After the first time Will had suggested it, he’d dug into all the information that was out there, and it was…heartening. Psilocybins were being used quite successfully with behavioral problems, depression, PTSD. Will was right. Doug hadn’t been ready to embrace a post-traumatic-stress label for himself, then. But was he now?
“Listen,” Will interjected. “Just think about it, okay? You have time to go at this gently. It sounds like once Pixie understands what’s going on with you, she’ll show you all the patience you need.”
Doug had no doubt about that. The woman was amazing. But could he…?
“And yes.” Will guessed where Doug’s mind had traveled. “Youdoneed to fill her in. It’s not fair to either of you to pretend you don’t have things in your past to overcome.”
Of course Will was right. It wouldn’t do to start something with Pixie when she didn’t know exactly how fucked up he was.
Doug sighed. “If I decide to go ahead with the mushroom shit, what does it entail?” Even though he’d read up on it, he wanted to hear it from an expert’s lips.
Will put on his professional face, but Doug could tell the therapist in him was excited about the prospect of treating Doug.
“We start with you lying down on the couch that you’ve been giving the hairy eyeball for all these years. Then once you give me the go-ahead, you ingest the psilocybin and we see where it takes you. The effects will last anywhere from two to six hours, and I’ll be right there at your side for the entire time; talking you through things, comforting you when you need it, and making sure things don’t become too overwhelming for you.”
“How many sessions will it take to…fix me?”
“Fix isn’t a word we use, Doug. You know that. This is just another tool to teach you to cope with your past. A way to activate the serotonin and dopamine receptors in your brain, allowing it to rewire itself and put your past into perspective.
“A large percentage of people only need one dose to accomplish what they’re looking for. But in my experience, a second dose, three or four weeks after the first, seems to really make the difference.”
Doug got to his feet. “Can I get back to you?” he asked.
