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“Jay, —”
“Don’t,” he said through clenched teeth.
“Keep the change.”
“Don’t need it.” He plunged his hand into his pocket and came up with a wad of cash on a rubber band. He peeled through it, withdrew some notes, and shoved it at me. “Unless you’re back in the same shit you were in before you got sent to prison, you probably need this more than me. I stopped needing anything from you years ago.”
The money clenched in my hand, I watched him go, his back erect. I didn’t know whether to be proud of him or to cry. My eyes turned misty as I watched him until he disappeared from view.
“I love you, Jay,” I whispered, wishing I could have said it to his face, but he would have only been more upset. “I know you don’t believe me, but I do.”
I stumbled up the stairs in a daze. My chest felt hollow, like he’d taken my heart with him. At the door of the apartment, I came to a stop. The box of pizza was gone. I glanced around for some sign which one of these fuckers had taken it.
My hands shook as I tried to process what had just happened. Jay had brought me that pizza, and now it was gone. Stolen by some asshole who didn’t even realize the significance of it. My anger boiled up inside of me until it felt like I would burst. The urge was strong to knock on every motherfucking door on this floor until I found the pizza. I doubled my hands into fists and stormed inside the apartment. Slamming the door shut behind me, I punched the wall. Over and over until my hand was numb and blood splattered the wallpaper.
The red stain turned blurry as tears filled my eyes. I sniffed and tried to hold back the tears. Tears were useless, but they streamed down my face anyway.
Oh god, what have I done? Will I really lose my son forever?
The weight of my emotions pressed down on me, making it hard to breathe. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. I focused on an image of Scottie’s smiling face with his dimpled cheeks and braces in my mind. Slowly the tension in my shoulders dropped and a new need surged to find Scottie.
But he wanted nothing to do with me.
What was the sense of hanging around this city anymore? I’d gotten my wish to see my son again. We might not have reconciled, but I knew he was happy—at least before he saw me. He had Scottie who cared about him. They had each other.
They didn’t need me at all. The realization dawned on me leaving me poleaxed. I’d come to this town not for them, but for me. I needed them more than they needed me. Now that they had both rejected me, I might as well pack my shit and leave.
10
SCOTTIE
The slamming of the front door prompted me to my feet. I hurried to the hall to find an angry Jay shoving his jacket into the closet. His face was blotchy, and his eyes were red. Alarm bells rang in my head.
“Jay? What happened?”
My gaze dropped to the red shirt he had on with the logo for our favorite pizza place. Where had he gotten that shirt? He hadn’t mentioned working a second job.
“Don’t want to talk about it,” he said.
“But you’re upset.”
He lashed out with his foot, kicking the closet door and splitting the wood. “Fuck! Just who the fuck does he think he is anyway?”
The urge to go to him was strong, but the dark cloud of anger consuming him made me keep my distance. A nervous ripple ran through me, and the hairs at my nape stood up. I kept my ground despite the flight warning flashing in front of me.
“Who are you talking about? What happened?”
“He thinks he can be a father after all these years? That he’d show up, and I’d be so grateful that Daddy’s home? He can go fuck himself. That’s what.”
My stomach lurched. “Your father?”
“He’s not my father,” he roared.
I winced and took a step back.
“You… met your father?”
“Look, you shouldn’t be around me right now,” he said. “I’m too fucking pissed to repress my anger and make you feel safe, so I’m going to my bedroom. We can talk in the morning when I don’t feel like going back to that apartment and punching him another fucking time. Shoulda done it when I still had the chance.”
