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With one last look at Scottie, I left, a heaviness in my chest weighing me down. As I walked out the door, a gust of cold air slapped me in the face. I hurried down the steps, got into Scottie’s car, and drove off. I drove aimlessly, the streets a blur of lights and shadows. My mind replayed the scene over and over—the hurt in Scottie’s eyes, the anger in Jay’s accusations, the bitter taste of regret in my mouth. What exactly did I regret? My relationship with Jay might have been more strained, but I did not—could not—regret meeting Scottie.
On autopilot, I pulled into the parking lot of the bar where I’d left my motorcycle. Damn, the first time I met Scottie seemed like a lifetime ago. He’d taken me by surprise, and I’d been so upset he’d misrepresented himself. Then I got to know him, and I didn’t want to live without him. If Jay insisted I walk out of Scottie’s life, could I do it?
Why was it so wrong to want an actual future with Scottie?
27
SCOTTIE
Ilingered outside the kitchen, listening to the sounds coming from inside. Jay had been busy cleaning. The second I walked out of my bedroom, I’d smelled the disinfectant he’d used to clean the floors. Judging by the clatter of pans and silverware, he seemed to be turning the place upside down, probably to avoid talking to me.
I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes against the sting of tears. Last night we should have talked, but he had locked his door. I’d pleaded with him through the door, but he hadn’t responded, so I’d gone to bed, but it had ended in a fitful night of tossing and turning. And when I’d called Griff, he hadn’t answered his phone, which only made me more anxious.
What if he’d changed his mind about us? I couldn’t even blame him if he had. How could I when all he wanted was to have his son back in his life? How selfish could I be to hang on to him, knowing how devastated Jay was? Yet I didn’t want to break up with Griff.
If he had to choose, I wanted him to choose me. And I hated myself for it.
Jay was right to be angry with me, but he had to understand that loving someone meant fighting for them. No other Griff existed in this world. Even if they did, none could be a replica of mine.
A heavy sigh punched out of my lungs. I wiped the dampness from my eyes, squared my shoulders, and entered the kitchen.
“Jay, you’ve been avoiding me all night. Can we please talk?”
Jay’s back went rigid, but he ignored me and continued taking stuff from the fridge and putting them on the counter. The floor was spotless, and the counters gleamed. If he were in a good mood, I would have teased him; I should make him angry more often, but I had a feeling he wouldn’t appreciate my humor at the moment.
“Jay, just talk to me already!”
“You kept silent for almost a decade. Why the sudden interest in talking?”
I winced at his waspish tone, but at least he had said something. The words were better than his silence.
“I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He slammed the fridge door shut hard, his lips tight. “You know what’s fucked up about this, Scott? I can’t even yell at you the way I want to because then you’ll get all jumpy, and I’ll feel like the bad guy for making you relive what that fuckface did to you.”
I squirmed. My racing heartbeat and instinct to flee proved his point. Conflict made me anxious. When coupled with anger or physical signs of aggression, it freaked me out.
“I can take it,” I said. Somehow I would cope with it. “You shouldn’t have to keep it bottled up inside. I know you’d never hurt me.”
“A pity I can’t say the same about you.”
I hung my head and clutched my hands in front of me. “Jay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sleep with him. It just happened.”
“Accidents just happen, Scott, not sleeping with someone. You didn’t just trip and fall on his dick. Of all the men in the world, why him? Is he that good for you that you couldn’t close your legs to think about me?”
My cheeks burned, but I stood my ground. “Don’t reduce what Griff and I have to sex.”
Jay held up his hands. “My bad. I didn’t get the daily memos about the development of your relationship. I apologize for getting it wrong.”
I groaned. Sarcasm was always his go-to when he was at the pinnacle of upset.
“What can I do to make you believe me?” I asked.
“Dump him.”
My heart skipped a beat, and I grabbed the nearest counter to steady myself. Leave Griff? Never see him again? The earnest look on Jay’s face hit me in the gut. Guilt added to my conflicted emotions, and my stomach turned sour.
“Anything but that, Jay.”
