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Navy stands in the doorway in his Bluey pajamas, rubbing sleep from his eyes with his tiny fists. My heart aches at the sight of him, so full of love for my little boy that it could burst.
I kneel to his height, folding him into my arms for a hug. “Good morning, Mister Sleepyhead,” I sing in the silly voice that he loves. Navy giggles. I steer him toward the toilet. “Use the potty and then brush your teeth, okay? You have a big day ahead.”
His eyes grow wide. “I do?”
“Yep. Your Cub Scout troop is going ice skating today, remember?”
“Oh, yeah!” he exclaims, pumping his arms with excitement. He’s a true Colorado kid and loves all the winter sports. Then his little face falls and his bottom lip quivers. “Dads are supposed to come today.”
I silently curse the Cub Scout leader for calling it a father-son outing in front of Navy. Not all little boys have fathers in their lives. Fortunately, Navy is a McAllister, and if there’s one thing this family has in abundance, it’s love.
I’m an identical triplet, so my sisters, Winnie and Willa have been by my side my entire life. They’re my rocks, and without them, I never would have made it through my pregnancy without falling into a black hole of depression. I was heartbroken and alone, and so jealous of all the pregnant women with their devoted husbands that I wanted to scream.
But my sisters were there every step of the way. They came to my birthing classes, reminding me to breathe, breathe, breathe, and push, push, push. And when Navy was born, they were right there in the hospital room with me, crying tears of joy as we met my son.
Navy also has my cousins, Brody, Flynn, and Caleb, who are as close to me as brothers. To my kid, they’re devoted uncles. And now that Winnie’s married, Navy has an Uncle Jax, too. Jax is wearing the hero’s cape today.
I paste a smile on my face. “Uncle Jax is going with you, remember? And he’s an amazing ice skater. He knows tricks.”
Navy’s face lights up again. “That’s true! He’s the best ice skater in the world.”
I laugh. “Don’t tell your Uncle Flynn that. He’ll get jealous.”
Before they were related by marriage, Jax and Flynn were competitors on the ice, both playing professional hockey for rival teams. Jax recently retired, so the rivalry is over—mostly. They’re both fiercely competitive, though, and I wouldn’t put it past Flynn to take Navy’s praise for Jax as a challenge.
Navy dances in the bathroom, singing a little ditty. “Ice-skating, woohoohoo, ice-skating, woohoohoo, ice-skating, woohoohoo.”
I ruffle his hair, thick and curly like my own. It’s the only physical trait he inherited from me. The rest he got from his father.
Sebastian. We only shared one night together, but he’s seared into my memory like a cattle brand. And not just because our son is a miniature version of him.
Anyone who says love at first sight isn’t real is dead wrong. As soon as I laid eyes on Sebastian, I was a goner. Hook, line, and sinker, I was his.
As I help my little boy squeeze toothpaste onto his Spiderman toothbrush, I wonder for the millionth time how I’m going to explain my time with Sebastian to him. How can I explain that he was made with love, even though I know so little about his father? I haven’t even been able to tell my sisters about him, but they’re adults, and they respect my privacy—even though I know it kills them not to know.
But Navy’s just a little boy. He’s already started to question why he doesn’t have a father, and the older he gets, the more he’ll push for answers. His uncles are awesome, and they fill a big piece of the hole, but not the whole of the hole.
Navy will always long for a dad. And I’ll never be able to give him one.
I feel like such a terrible mother for that. I know I should put myself out there, go on dates, and meet a good man who’s willing to step up to the plate for my boy and me. But every time I picture a man in our lives, it’s Sebastian’s face I see. I had hoped my feelings would fade with time, but after six years, I’ve given up on that happening. And whenever I consider being with someone else, I feel sick to my stomach.
So, like Fantine in Les Misérables, I’ll keep dreaming, wishing, and hoping that one day he’ll return to me. But I know it’s hopeless. He doesn’t even know my name. He thinks it’s Winnie. My sister was supposed to go to that party, not me. It was a fundraising event for specialized equipment for the Frosty Crest Police Department’s K-9 Unit. But Winnie’s never liked dressing up, so she begged me to go in her place.
An elegant party at the fancy ski resort? She didn’t have to twist my arm. I was working as an event planner for a smaller venue at the time, and I was eager to see Frosty Crest Haven’s event planners at work. Little did I know I’d be running the whole show myself someday.
Speaking of which, there’s a wedding tonight, and I still have a ton of items to check off the to-do list. As I help Navy dress for his ice-skating adventure, I run through the items in my head. The bride, Avery George, grew up in Frosty Crest and graduated from high school with Winnie, Willa, and I. We’re all on the guestlist for the wedding, but as the event coordinator, I’ll be far too busy to drink alcohol or dance with sexy strangers—even if I had it in me to do that sort of thing now. Which I don’t.
Avery now lives with her gorgeous firefighter fiancé in Mercury Ridge, North Carolina, so she’s left most of the details of the wedding and reception to me. That means there’s zero room for error. Everything must be perfect.
Did I remember to request that the aisle runner be removed from the chapel? The bride’s father has mobility issues, but he’s worked hard to build enough strength to escort her down the aisle with the aid of a walker. The aisle runner could trip him up, though. While Navy eats his breakfast, I send a quick reminder to my assistant to check on that.
“Mommy?”
I freeze, saying a silent prayer that Navy isn’t going to mention his father again. Not yet… I need more time. “Yes, kiddo?”
“Can I spend the night with Aunt Winnie and Uncle Jax?”
I sigh with relief. “You sure can, but it’ll just be you and Uncle Jax. Aunt Winnie won’t be home until past your bedtime.”
