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I step out of the shower to grab a piece of toilet paper and wipe up the spider carcass. I manage to do all of this while keeping my eyes away from her. I clean up the spider and step out of the shower again, tossing the toilet paper in the trash and walk towards the door, not looking at her. “Do you need anything else?”
“No! No. Thank you! I’ll be out in a few minutes!” She says frantically. I close the door behind me and let out a laugh. I am soaking wet, so I walk into our closet to grab some dry clothes. I change quickly so Mads doesn’t come out and completely lose her mind today from humiliation. I drop my wet clothes in the laundry hamper and I walk back downstairs to find I spilled my water all over the couch. As I finish cleaning that up, Mads walks down the stairs slowly.
Her wet hair hangs around her, and she is wearing a sweater and leggings. She also pulled on some fuzzy socks. She looks beautiful. She nervously walks to the armchair and sits down. “I’m so sorry,” She whispers.
“Mads, don’t apologize. That was a big spider,” I smirk, looking at her warmly. She holds my gaze.
“You still look at me so intensely,” She comments and I smile.
“I still can’t help it, but I try not to glare anymore. You used to scold me for glaring too much and making people think I was angry all the time,” I tell her, earning her laugh.
“Well, it seems I know what I’m talking about, because like I said, you have a really nice smile.” She brings her knees up to her chest and puts both arms around them. She picks at her cast with her good hand. She didn’t look at me when she said that, but I felt like I could float away.
“Thank you,” I say, and now I feel embarrassed.
“But I am sorry, though.” I am about to cut her off before she continues. “No wait, I just. I have never, I mean I don’t remember…” She looks uncomfortable. I nod encouragingly for her to continue. “Okay, I’ll just be blunt. I don’t remember the…intimate parts of our relationship and I’m going to assume that we have been intimate.” Her face goes red. Bright red. “So not remembering…that means…to me…right now, no one has ever seen me…you know…naked. And I just feel super self-conscious and weird right now,” She rambles and buries her head into her arms.
I slowly walk over to the armchair she is in and kneel in front of her. I gently touch her good hand, trying not to startle her. At my touch, she drops her hands and looks at me, unsure and timid. So unlike the bold, fearless, and matter-of-fact woman I’ve known and loved for almost a decade.
“We have been intimate, Mads,” I say slowly, trying to keep my voice even. She flushes. “And I’m sure that is something really weird to think about without your memories. I won’t even pretend to understand how it makes you feel. I hope this doesn’t make you feel even more uncomfortable, but I just want to remind you…that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I thought that from the moment I saw you in high school and that feeling has only grown in the years since. I know you feel weird around me right now. And that’s okay. But you never, ever, have to feel self-conscious around me. I love every single part of you. Every one.” And there is not a part that I haven’t seen. I add in my head. Again, that wouldn’t be helpful right now.
She keeps looking at me, even though her cheeks are flushed with embarrassment. Moments pass before she reaches down to hold my hand. I feel her warmth all over me.
“Thank you. For everything. I know you’re not the boy I remember from high school. You seem pretty wonderful and kind,” She says while holding eye contact. It feels like my lungs have healed and I am able to breathe again. Her words begin to heal the cracks in my heart that formed the moment she opened her eyes and didn’t remember our love.
“Again, I hope I don’t make you feel more uncomfortable…but who I am today…is because of you, Madeline,” I say, looking at her intently, hoping she feels and understands how much I love her.
Her eyes get watery and she gives me a small smile. “Thank you.” She squeezes my hand and lets go. I stand up, not wanting to push my luck and ask her for a hug. I ask her if she wants the sandwich I made, and when she politely declines, I take the wet towel back into the kitchen. I wrap the sandwich up and put it in the fridge to save for lunch tomorrow. I do make her a cup of coffee though and I bring it out to her in her favorite mug. The mug is white with a little gold pineapple on it and says, “if you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple”.
I hand the mug to her, she smiles in thanks and accepts it. I sit on the couch and turn on our favorite show. We both sit in comfortable silence and watch together.
I pray this is a turning point on our new path together.
SEVENTEEN
MADELINE, THEN
He takes me to a diner about five minutes from campus. I’ve passed it on my drives around town but have never tried it.
It’s good. Really good.
I get a veggie omelet, and he gets some kind of giant ‘cowboy’ breakfast that includes four plates of food. I don’t know what New Jersey knows about cowboys, but he ate everything, so I am impressed. While we eat, I mostly talk about the students I’m tutoring, my plans for the holidays and anything else I can think to fill the silence. He nods at the appropriate times and keeps eye contact which tells me he is actively listening. He offers a few comments here and there, but stays silent for the most part.
“So—” I say dramatically. I push what is left of my food around my plate. He looks up at me amused.
“So—” He repeats, but not nearly matching my energy level.
“So, you never hated me?” I ask and he narrows his eyes on me.
“Never. Not once,” He says quickly.
“Not even a tiny bit? Even when I called you ‘Ellie’ that one time in gym class?” I push.
He chuckles. “Not even then.”
I nod my head pretending to think about what I am going to say next. “So…”
He smirks at me. “So?”
