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I turn to walk away as he starts talking. “Don’t want you to hurt the door again,” He mumbles. I pause and look back at him, but he has already turned to leave. There’s the Elliot Decker I know.
“Wow. A full sentence. Lucky me,” I grumble and walk away.
FOUR
ELLIOT, NOW
A couple of days later the doctor takes the tubes out of her throat after saying she should be strong enough to breathe on her own and it doesn’t look as frightening with just the IV connected to her.
She still looks so small and frail. I keep holding her hand and I keep whispering to her that I love her. I keep telling her to come back to me.
She has been in the hospital for a week now. One week of breathing tubes, needles constantly drawing blood or giving her medicine, and regular nurse and doctor visits. One week of waiting, praying, and hoping. One week of holding my breath. Her doctor thinks she’ll wake up any day now.
Mads’ parents are out grabbing lunch. Their house is only about an hour away so they come as often as they can and stay as long as they’re able. Her dad runs a family restaurant back in Penbrooke with his brother. Her mom works at the local florist shop. I’m thankful they both have a great and reliable staff that can handle things while they stay close to the hospital.
I am next to Mads, laying my head over our joined hands. Ana is on the couch working on her laptop. I am using all my personal and vacation days for work, but I can’t bear to miss one second of being with Mads.
I keep thinking of all the things I could have done differently, things I could have said or shouldn’t have said, and the things I should have done better. I keep thinking of all the time I wasted in the beginning. These are the thoughts that haunt me, tease me, and taunt me while we wait for Mads to wake up.
Part of me always dreaded that this life with her was too good to be true. I’ve always known she is too good for me. She is…incredible. She is light. She is so pure and joyful. She is sunshine. There are still times where I wake up and watch her as she sleeps, and I still can’t even believe she’s mine. She was a dream I never thought would come true for me. I know I’m not good enough for her. I know I never will be, no matter how much she’s changed me.
When life only deals you shit hands, you start to believe you’re shit. I had accepted it. I accepted that my life was destined for unexceptional. For despair. For barely getting by. I learned at a young age that if I wanted to go anywhere outside the confines of the shit town I grew up in, I had to fend for myself. My mom wasn’t going to fight for me. My dad sure as hell wasn’t going to either. His version of fighting for me included beating me until I couldn’t see straight or move the next day. My mom’s version of fighting for me was dismissing and ignoring dad’s abuse, and then drinking and shooting drugs to numb the pain of her miserable life. I fought for myself.
I’ll be forever thankful for my grandmother for taking me in after everything happened. Moving to Penbrooke when I was fifteen changed my life. Meeting Mads changed my life. I just wish I could go back and wake myself up to what was right in front of my face the whole time, even if I tried to deny it.
How did I live for a single second without Madeline Hart? How did I survive? Every second without her was a second wasted. But if I had to go through what I went through just to get to her, I would gladly do it again and again.
Her finger twitches in my hand. My head snaps up to look at her face. Her eyes are closed but her finger moves again.
“Ana,” I choke. I hear her shuffle her things around and run over.
“What? What happened?” She asks, her voice edged in hysteria.
“She just moved her finger. I swear, she just moved it twice in my hand. Go get the nurse!” I plead. She runs out of the room, and I hear her calling for the nurse.
“Mads? Can you hear me?” I whisper. I lean towards her, keeping her hand in mine.
Her eyes flutter open and my heart stops beating. It takes a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the light. Her eyes finally land on mine. My heart starts beating again. Racing. She tries to talk but nothing comes out. I grab the cup of water on the side table and bring the straw to her mouth. She slowly takes a sip of water without breaking our eye contact. She struggles to swallow her tiny sip and I feel helpless.
“Mads? How are you feeling?” I ask softly as I reach up to stroke some hair away from her face. Her head turns away from my hand slightly, as if by instinct. She looks at me, confusion and uncertainty in her eyes.
“Mads, do you remember what happened?” She shakes her head very slowly. She starts to look around her, at the IV in her arm, the cast on the other, the monitors next to her, the hospital room full of flowers and cards. She looks scared and her breathing starts to get faster as her eyes well with tears. My heart is breaking. “Baby, you were in a car accident, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”
She opens her mouth as if to say something, but nothing comes out. She looks around the room again and then very hesitantly back at me. “Decker?” My brows draw in slightly. Decker? “What are you doing here? Where are my parents?” Her voice sounds small, gravelly and weak, just like I assumed it would sound after not being used in a week.
Her fear and confusion were causing my chest to ache. “What do you…what do you mean? I’ll always be here for you. You know that. Your parents aren’t far; they’ll be back soon.”
She closes her eyes tightly before opening them again. She looks around her room again before looking at me and her brows pull together. “You don’t…you don’t even like me, Decker.” Confusion laces her voice. What is happening?
My head is pounding and I feel like I am going to pass out. “Madeline, I love you.” I smile at her gently. “Do you…did you forget, are you…” I can’t form a coherent sentence. I can’t pull my thoughts or words together. My chest continues to tighten. She looks down at my hands holding hers and sees my wedding band. She pulls her hand out of mine and looks at her other hand poking out of her cast. Her rings glittered under the fluorescents. They took all of her jewelry off before surgery, but I slipped her rings back on a few days later.
She looks at her ring finger for what seemed like ages. Her chest moves up and down in a steady pattern. She finally looks at me with incredulity and says, her broken voice coated in disgust. “We’re married?”
I feel my heart crack in two.
FIVE
MADELINE, THEN
