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“I’m happy that I’m here too. Thank you for bringing me,” He says sincerely before pulling me up to stand next to him. He wraps his arms around my waist to my lower back, dipping lower than he ever has before. Well, at least before last night. Heat licks up my spine and I wrap my arms around his neck. He kisses me sweetly but quickly. I’m sure he doesn’t want to get caught by my parents.
“I love you, Madeline Grace Hart,” He says as he presses a kiss against my neck.
“I love you, too, Elliot Herbert Decker.” He picks his head up to look at me and narrows his eyes at me. He doesn’t have a middle name. I learned that one night during dinner with him and Ana. Ana and I both agreed that we should pick one for him, and that name should be Herbert. We laughed ourselves silly at the face of disgust he had given us.
“You could have picked…any other name…” he shakes his head before burying it in my neck again.
TWENTY-SIX
ELLIOT, NOW
“Herbert?” She laughs when I tell her about the middle name she and Ana picked for me.
“Yeah…I’m still not thrilled. But…against my countless refutes, it’s stuck for seven years now.” I shake my head. We are on our way home now from the apartment. She is mostly quiet but occasionally asks a random question, the last being ‘what is your middle name?’.
“Favorite song?” She asks after a few quiet moments.
“‘Cover Me Up’ by Jason Isbell,” I answer with no hesitation.
“I love that song.” She smiles and looks at me.
“You showed it to me.” I return her smile.
“I did?” She asks. I nod, remembering the moment.
“We were driving back to campus after our first date at the diner. You were looking for a song on the radio and stopped on that one. I had never heard it before.” I muse. “But I heard the lyrics and I felt such a peace settle over my heart. I felt real, true hope…for maybe the second time.”
“Second?” She asks.
“The first being the time you asked me to come into your apartment.”
She looks thoughtful as she stares straight ahead. She isn’t that different from the girl who sat in my passenger seat seven years ago. She has a maturity about her that's developed over the years, but she still has both the beautiful fierceness and gentleness about her. Her hair is still the same golden blonde that waves naturally down her back. Her piercing and lovely eyes still that striking green. The gentle slope of her nose, still delicate. Her full and soft lips.
She was extremely receptive during our conversations today. It gives me a new sense of hope. But there were moments when I was talking that I saw her pull away in her mind. I’m not sure what triggered it, or if I was sharing too much at once.
As we sit in the car now, I feel her pull farther and farther away with every word shared. I don’t understand why. It’s been two months since I’ve seen the boldness and passion that Mads usually exudes, and I’ve missed it. Seeing a tiny glimpse of that fire today was enough to fill that void that began in my heart after her accident.
“All of the hope that I’ve felt…in my whole life…has come from you,” I say, without looking towards her for her reaction. I am honestly a little nervous to see how those words affect her. In our past conversations during these months, she shied away from the intimate memories I would try to share with her. But today she initiated several moments of intimacy and sharing, and I hope it hasn’t been too much for her.
“That…makes me feel a lot of pressure,” She admits quietly. I finally look over to her and see her eyes, still thoughtful, fixed on the road ahead of us. She opens her mouth like she is about to say something before closing it again. I wait for her to finish her thoughts and find her words. “You seem…to hold me on this pedestal. I worry that I won’t measure up…to the girl you fell in love with. Because, as much as we both hate it…I’m not her anymore. I might never be again.”
Those words cut deep, even though I know she doesn’t mean to use them as a weapon. I appreciate her honestly more than anything.
“I’m worried that…who I am today…won’t be enough. I don’t want to disappoint you,” She continues in a sad and timid voice.
“Madeline, you…could never disappoint me. You’re enough, then and now,” I promise her earnestly.
“But you don’t know that!” She says frustratedly. “Everything is different now.”
I take a deep breath. “Yes...some things may be different now. But your heart is still the same, Mads. Your heart never changed. Your kindness is still there, your love for your family, your passion for helping others is still there, your desire to learn is still there.”
“But my memories and experiences that made me who I was…without those…I don’t know who I am. Or who I’m supposed to be,” She explains softly.
“You’re not supposed to be anything. No one is trying to force you back into any kind of mold,” I try to say gently.
“You are! And Ana is! My parents are…” She trails off. She looks out the passenger window as I try to control my breathing.
“I know you don’t remember…but there’s a reason that you’re still in our house…there is a reason that you didn’t push to go stay with Ana or your parents. I know the love you have for me and us is still there,” I insist, believing that with my whole heart.
