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“That wasn’t you, Elliot.” He looks up at me, his pained expression breaking my heart all over again. “I know who you are. My parents know who you are. Your father doesn’t define you. Your past doesn’t define you. I’ve seen every part of who you are, and every part is good, and kind, and strong.” He shakes his head and lowers it to his hands again.
“Look at me,” I say, reaching out to rub his back. He does. “Don’t let him have any power over you anymore.” He nods, eyes watering. We are silent for a few moments. “What made you come home?” I whisper. He reaches into his pocket and pullsout my sticky note. My tears start falling again, harder.
“I’m so sorry. I won’t ever leave you like that again. Please…please forgive me,” He says earnestly, looking deep into my eyes.
I shift closer to him, lift my hand on his back to his shoulders, and pull him in against me. But he tugs me to sit in his lap, hugging me tight. “I love you so much, Elliot. Please don’t shut me out, especially when things get hard, okay?” He nods into my chest. “I promise I will always fight for you, but you can’t push me away.”
“I promise, baby. Always. I love you so much,” He answers.
We eventually pull away a little bit to look at each other. “I promised I would always be honest with you…” I start. His eyes widen in nervousness, his throat bobs as he swallows. “I love you…so much…but my God you smell so bad.”
He laughs and hangs his head. “I know. I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m letting you touch me while I look and smell like this.” I take his face in my hands and bring him closer to me.
“Go take a shower, smelly head,” I whisper, kissing his nose.
“Take one with me?” He asks, hopefully. He rubs his hands up and down my arms. I look into his dark brown eyes, full of depth and familiarity. I study and memorize his face for the millionth time before nodding and smiling at him.
THIRTY-EIGHT
ELLIOT, NOW
The brutal winter melts into a beautiful and promising spring. All around us, the snow melts and flowers begin to sprout with the promise of new life. I’ve never appreciated spring more than I do this year. Each new day with Mads is a gift I never thought I would have again.
I remember how hopeless and miserable I felt in those moments after her accident. The fear I felt in my heart at a possible life without her was unimaginable. She is my life. She is my salvation. I fight every day to be worthy of her love, then and now.
She saw the broken boy I was and helped me to become the man I am today. She dragged me out of my darkness, both when I was willing and unwilling to let her. She saw worth in me when I thought I was worthless. She saw goodness in me when I thought that I was forever tainted.
Despite my faults, despite my past, she loves me so fiercely. I never believed it was possible to feel a love like this before her.Every day with her is a gift.
She is doing great at work, so happy and thriving. Sometimes she goes out for drinks with friends from her school and I am happy that she is making friends again.
We are lying in bed together, talking and laughing.
“Would you rather have toes for fingers or fingers for toes?” She asks randomly and I snort.
“Oh God…I think fingers for toes…so I could try and hide them a little better?” I answer, unsure. She laughs.
“You would need some long shoes.” She continues to laugh and I flick her nose playfully. “I think I would choose the same though.”
“Would you rather never hear your favorite song again or never watch your favorite movie again? I ask her. She sighs dramatically.
“Geesh…uhm…” She pauses, thinking, as she rolls onto her back to look up at the ceiling. She is wearing one of my t-shirts and her hair is in a messy bun on top of her head. “I think…I would never watch my favorite movie again.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Yeah.” She confirms. “I like my favorite song too much.” She smiles at me and I reach over to touch her cheek.
“Me too.” I smile back at her.
“Do you have any regrets with us?” She asks. I think about that, instantly wanting to say no before remembering my altercation with my father.
“Yeah, just one, I think.” She looks at me in surprise, waiting for me to explain. “It was after my grandmother's funeral. When my dad showed up,” I start.
“You never told me this before.”
“I’m still pretty ashamed with how I handled myself, Mads. Even now. It was bad,” I tell her truthfully.
“What happened?” She asks, reaching to hold my hand.
