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“Did you at least try to get ready and go?”
“No.”
“Okay. What did you do instead?” Naomi asks, looking at me over her glasses. I meet her eyes and look down again quickly.
“I just went to bed early,” I admit.
Naomi is quiet for a moment before she breaks the silence, “This week feels a little harder than last week.”
I nod my head.
“What emotion is the strongest today?” she asks, quickly making a note of something in her notebook.
I think about that for a minute, trying to identify the different feelings I’m experiencing and put a name to the one that is the most potent at the moment. “Helplessness.”
I look up again. Naomi nods. “I’m sorry you’re feeling that today. It’s an understandable feeling.”
I lean my head against the back of the couch, trying to force away the tears that threaten to spill.
“Why do you feel helpless right now?”
I take a deep breath, opening my mouth before closing it again. I want to tell her that I’m done, that I have nothing to say. I want to tell her that there is nothing she can say to me that will help this pain I feel every second of the day. Naomi waits patiently.
I start, “I can’t imagine waking up in this reality without him.” I choke back tears. “I feel this overwhelming weight of powerlessness and hopelessness. Some days I can numb it, but some days I’m so painfully aware of the emptiness his death has left.” I feel nauseous at that word, death, and I choke back a few more tears. “Even now, even after so many months have passed, his absence still feels like a dagger to my heart. It feels like a void that just grows and grows. It feels like there’s no end in sight to the chasm this pain is creating between where I am and this supposed healing that everyone tells me will come with time. It’s bullshit.” I stop to compose myself before the hysteria I feel approaching takes over and I lose all sense of self-control.
Naomi nods and takes a breath before speaking, “That was an incredible description of what you’re feeling. I’m proud of you for speaking up and finding those words, Ana.” She takes her black frame glasses off her face, folding them with her hands and rests them on her lap. “Helplessness is a terrible feeling. When you’re feeling this, it’s important to lean into your support systems. Call Madeline or your mom, and try your best to talk it out just like you did with me a moment ago. You can try to actively reroute your thoughts to focus on the positive and good things around you. You also need to try to do some ‘self-talk’. Either in your mind or out loud if you’re able, tell yourself affirmations. Like, ‘I am strong’, ‘This feeling is temporary’, or ‘This hurts right now, but it will get better’. ‘The pain is strong, but I am stronger’.”
I put my face in my hands and feel the inevitable tears fall before I can wipe them away. I nod into my hands, to let her know I’m still listening, even though I can’t look at her right now.
We wrap up our session with more pretty words about healing and patience, and once again I find myself making that mindless walk to my car. Only when I’m sitting behind the wheel do I let the tears come with the strength and speed they demand. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the headrest when I hear the familiar hum of my phone ringing.
Like clockwork. I think.
I pull the phone out of my bag and whisper, “Hey, Maddie.”
“Hey, I think I forgot my watch at your apartment, I’m in your parking lot now waiting for you to get home,” she says, her sunshine voice filling me with the tiniest bits of joy as it always does. “Since I’m here, do you wanna have dinner together?”
I close my eyes and find myself smiling slightly despite all of the shit and pain that is surrounding me. Drowning me.
“That sounds good, Maddie. I’ll see you soon,” I say, so appreciative for the small drop of positivity that breaks through the darkness a little and helps me breathe a tiny bit easier.
NINE
NOW, FALL
A few days later, I’m stepping out of my car and reaching up to tighten the messy high bun that's amassed on the top of my head. The disaster that is my best friend’s dream home stares back at me, reminding me of the dreadful and tedious tasks I signed myself up for today.
“You’re here,” Maddie calls, and I turn to find her walking from the back of the house towards where I stand in the driveway.
“Unfortunately,” I respond, which makes her roll her eyes. Elliot rounds the house now with another man walking next to him. He’s about as tall as Elliot and fairly built, but filled out a bit more.
Maddie reaches me and pulls me down into one of her rib crushing hugs. I wrap my arms around her back tightly, and when she pulls back I cup her cheeks with my hands and give her nose a tiny kiss. She laughs and turns her body so she can hip-check me.
“Hey, Ana,” Elliot says when he and the mystery man finally reach me.
I greet him and give him a hug.
“Ana, this is David. He works with me at Hadleigh,” Maddie says, referring to the middle school she teaches at.
