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“Alright that’s enough everyone,” I wave them off, trying to take the conversation off of me.
“What about me?” Maddie jokes. “Am I surprisingly strong?”
Elliot leans back against the back of the red vinyl booth, crossing his arms over his chest before he looks down at Maddie, “You are…resilient. Determined. Wonderful.”
Maddie flattens her expression and we all laugh at her. “Yeah, yeah.”
“I think you got a splinter within the first five minutes of us working, didn’t you?” David says which makes me let out a small real laugh. He turns to me and grins.
“But I didn’t let it stop me,” Maddie argues. “I pulled it out with my teeth and then I soldiered on.”
Elliot nods. “Yes you did, and you were amazing.”
Maddie scrunches her face into a little smirk and Elliot chuckles.
“You three have a favorite meal?” David asks.
“I always get breakfast,” Maddie says as she folds her menu and places it on the table in front of her, “You can never go wrong with pancakes.” Her and Elliot share a small smile.
“This is true,” David agrees. He looks to me for my answer.
“Oh, I get something different every time,” I answer.
“Yeah, she’s a monster,” Maddie mumbles and I playfully kick her under the table.
“I think I’ll get the open faced turkey sandwich,” I decide, even though I find myself craving a cheeseburger.
“That sounds really good actually,” David muses thoughtfully.
“It is. Believe it or not, I've actually ordered it before.” I playfully send a glare towards Maddie and she makes a mocking face.
“Do you have a favorite though?” David asks. I don’t look up at him right away, but when I finally do I try to fix my face so it looks friendly. I can tell he is just trying to make conversation.
“Depends on the day,” I answer and turn again to face forward. We’re silent for a moment and I look at Maddie who is looking at me, her face hesitant and contemplative. I look down at my closed menu, clasping my hands together and picking at my nails.
The waiter comes and takes our orders. The three of them fall into easy conversation as we wait, and I trace shapes on the white tabletop only half-heartedly listening to what they’re saying. First a circle, then a square, then a diamond, then back to a circle.
Maddie tries a couple times to include me in the conversation but quickly senses that I’m not up for talking so she gives me a gentle nudge with her foot and I know that’s her reassurance that she’s here for me and that my silence is okay.
I don’t hear too much of what’s being said, and I don’t even try to follow along. I thank the waiter when he places my food down in front of me and I eat silently. The conversation feels normal. Even though I’m not engaging in it, it doesn’t feel forced or uncomfortable.
There is a small part of me that enjoys being in the presence of other people, two of my favorite people and David. But the bigger and more potent part of me just wants to go home so that I can be alone.
TWELVE
NOW, FALL
A few weeks later, I follow Maddie around the home improvement store. I trail slightly behind her, pushing a shopping cart while I zone in and out on what she’s saying.
“...so that would be a good alternative, don’t you think?” Maddie asks me, pulling me back to the present moment.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I ask, feeling bad that I wasn’t listening.
“I want to paint the front door something bright, like a bold accent color, with the house being in all neutrals. But I know I’ll probably get sick of something too bright so I was thinking a teal or sage green. That would be a good alternative, right?” Maddie repeats, not saying anything about how I wasn’t listening, knowing I have a hard time staying in the present these days.
“I love that idea,” I tell her honestly. She smiles and looks back at her list. Elliot sent us to the store for a few things while he and David are at the house hanging drywall and also overseeing the new appliances being delivered.
It’s been about a month since we first started tearing things down and moving things out, and the house looks somehow worse, but I know it needs to go through this in order for it to look better. You can’t rebuild on broken pieces.
