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“I have to go, but I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that we love you and that we’re sorry,” Haven says.
I reassure her that it’s okay, before we say goodbye once more and hang up.
I turn that conversation over and over in my mind for the next few moments, trying to let my thoughts catch up with my feelings. Trying to figure out exactly what it is that I’m feeling. A few minutes pass and I realize I’m still holding my phone up to my ear. I slowly lower it to my lap and stare straight ahead.
I haven’t heard from Haven or Hayden’s parents in months, almost a year. I helped as much as I could with funeral arrangements in those first few weeks and I called them several times a week in the months that followed. But I think it got too hard for them to answer the phone. My calls became as infrequent as their answers, until we both stopped altogether. At first I was so mad at them, so hurt. But as the logical side of my brain kicked back to life after the mourning turned into my reality, I realized that they were just trying to survive like I was. And having the constant reminder of their dead son’s girlfriend popping into their lives wasn’t integral to their healing process. I was angry at being shut out at first, heartbroken. Not only did I lose Hayden, but I lost his family, who I had thought of as my own family. But I understood, and I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I was already compartmentalizing so many negative emotions. I had to remove the ones that were in my control if I wanted to survive the days.
I stare blankly ahead and when I finally snap back to reality, I realize that thirty minutes have passed since our phone call ended. I am already late for work, and I can’t put on that mask today. I just can’t. I send a text to my boss to explain a family emergency, which I know will be understood and excused. Before I realize where I am going, I am driving to Hadleigh Middle School. My brain and heart know that I need my best friend, I guess.
When I finally pull into the large and full parking lot that is sprawled out next to the gray bricked two story building, I am out of my car and walking towards the entrance still in a trance. My brain is on autopilot, following the commands and directions of my feet. Middle schoolers are walking and talking all around me, all of them rushing to get in the building before the first bell of the day rings. I don’t pay any attention to them as I get to the door.
The lobby is a madhouse, kids going in every direction, some in a hurry and some standing still talking to their friends. My brain focuses for a minute, realizing that this isn’t the best idea. Maddie is getting ready for her day—her job—she is busy.
I can’t just walk into a school without signing in or asking the front office if I can even be here. What was I thinking?
My hands come up to cover my eyes, realizing how stupid of an idea this is. God knows what my face even looks like right now. My emotions get the best of me once more as I feel stupidity flooding my chest, and tears burn at my eyes. I turn around, ready to book it back to my car when I run into a solid wall.
Except it isn’t a wall. It is a man. With a solid chest.
I look up. David.
Of course it is David. God, the universe must hate me.
“Ana?” David asks, his tanned face twisted in surprise with total confusion lacing his voice. I lower my head again, and try to skirt around him. “Ana!” he says, trying to keep up with me.
“I shouldn't have come, it was stupid,” I mutter to myself. “I’m fine. I’m fine!” I plead towards him, not even looking at him behind me. Following me.
“Wait,” he calls after but I ignore him. I’m halfway through the parking lot and almost to my car when he finally breaks through the throng of kids and speeds around to land in front of me. His white button down shirt is pressed and polished with a gray tie that looks like it has maps and compasses on it, slightly crooked. “Please, wait. What’s going on? What can I do?”
My eyes are still burning, my head in total chaos trying to process all of the different emotions I’m feeling and have felt for the last forty or so minutes.
“I came to see Maddie, but it was stupid…she’s busy and getting ready for her day,” I spit out, tears slipping out as I hurriedly wipe them away. I hate crying in front of people.
“Stay here. I’m going to get her,” he says and he starts to make his way around me, back towards the school.
“No, please. David, it’s fine. I’m fine,” I say.
“Ana, if she finds out you were here in this state, and I saw you and didn’t get her? She’ll murder me,” he says, seriously. A chuckle bubbles out of my mouth followed by a small cry.
“That’s true,” I whisper.
“Did you try calling her?” he asks.
“No. I’m not thinking very logically this morning.” I sigh and look up to the sky, covering my face with my hands. I remember my makeup and quickly try to wipe under my eyes, knowing my mascara must be streaking down my face.
“I’m going to go get her,” he says, walking away from me and towards the building now.
“What about her class? And your class?” I call after him.
“Don’t worry about that!” he yells back, almost to the door now. I walk the rest of the way to my car and stand next to it, crossing my arms over my chest. Only a few minutes pass before I see Maddie running out of the lobby door and towards me, her face warped in concern and worry. That only makes me start crying again.
She finally makes it to me and pulls me into a hug. She holds me tight for several long seconds before she lets go and cups my face. “What happened?”
“Haven called just to check in, and it just ripped open any kind of progress I have made. At least just for this morning,” I respond, taking a deep breath. She nods, understandingly.
“Let me go grab my stuff, and let them know they need to fill my class with a sub,” she says, reaching up to wipe the tears off my cheeks.
“No, Maddie. I’m fine,” I tell her.
