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“Té amo, Mama,” I whisper.
After I hang up with her, I feel brave enough, and a bit guilty enough, to turn my phone back on. Once it powers up, I’m flooded with several missed texts and calls. Most of the texts are from David or Madeline from last night. The missed calls are from my mother. I have two texts from my dad and brother, both of them say something along the lines of, “call your mother, she’s losing her mind”.
I look through Madeline’s texts, purposefully avoiding David’s. Madeline’s are full of random questions and then ‘love you’ and ‘here for you’ messages.
There’s five from David.
David: Okay enough dessert talk, what about your favorite movie?
David: Sorry if I’m bothering you! I’m sure you’re busy. It was nice chatting with you today, even though you’re an insane person who likes olives. Have a good night, Ana.
The next three are from this morning, spread out over several hours..
David: Morning!
David: I just broke up a fight between two kids fighting over a girl they want to take to the school dance.
David: Hope everything is okay, and your day is going well. Sorry if I’m texting too much.
I put my phone face down, then bring my hands to my face. I breathe in for four seconds…and out for four seconds. In for four…out for four.
Waves of guilt, despair, and loneliness crash over me. Emptiness. I breathe and breathe and breathe until I compose myself enough to lift my head and finish the work I have for the day.
TWENTY-TWO
NOW, FALL
The next day I’m sitting in Naomi’s office, holding back all the words that sit on my tongue. I know the questions I want to ask, I know the things I want to say, but I bite them back. I don’t want to have this conversation. I’m not ready to have this conversation.
Naomi sits patiently, probably using her super skills to read my mind, knowing I’m battling in my head right now.
“Do you have a word for today?” she asks instead.
I think about that for a minute, a nice small distraction from the other words in my head. I settle on, “Confused.”
If Naomi is surprised to hear this new word, she doesn’t let on. “Why confused? Can we go into that a little bit?”
I bite down on my bottom lip a little. In my heart I feel the word “no, no, no” but the words on my tongue win and slip out.
“I was texting with David the other day,” I force myself to say, trying to ignore that inevitable guilt.
“Madeline and Elliot’s friend, David?” Naomi asks, checking her notes.
“Yes.”
“Okay, what were you texting about?” she asks.
“Just anything. Everything, kind of. We were just talking about random things. It felt…” I stop.
She waits patiently. But after several moments pass where I don’t say anything else, she asks, “It felt what, Ana?”
I feel a tear slip down my face. “It felt nice,” I whisper. “But I also felt guilty.”
Naomi nods, understanding. “And that confuses you.”
“It confuses me, it angers me, it makes me feel like I’m betraying him.”
“For talking to a friend?” Naomi asks.
