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“It shouldn’t be,” she says strongly.
I nod in agreement. “It shouldn’t. But I don’t know how to…”
She reaches over to hold my hand. “I know. But you will.”
“You’re too sure of everything,” I say to her, rolling my eyes playfully.
“When it comes to you I have no doubts. Tu eres fuerte. Superarás esto, te lo prometo.” You are strong. You will get through this, I promise. I smile at her, I love when she speaks to me in Spanish. It always meant so much that she took the time to learn it, to acknowledge my culture, and honor me and my family.
“Que hice para merecerte?” What did I do to deserve you?
She waves me off. “Don’t start with that. I would be nowhere without you. And I know that if I was ever in a place where I was lost and hopeless, you would be there for me in whatever way I needed you to.”
She continues, “I know you never thought you would settle down and even like, get married or whatever. I know that Hayden changed that part of you. Lit up the part of you that even considered that. But you were also a kid when you had that mindset. Then you had an epic love story that ended way too soon.” Her voice breaks which makes the tears come back. “Hayden was incredible and his absence will forever leave a void in your life. That void might not ever get smaller, but maybe you’ll grow around it, and continue to grow until it’s no longer painfully consuming, but something that makes you remember that epic love you had. To be grateful for it. Miss it yes, but not drown in pain because of it. His love will forever remain in your heart, but that doesn’t mean your heart needs to be forever closed to the possibility of being open again.”
I look at her, at a loss for words. I just nod my head.
“If it’s David you open your heart up to, great. If it’s someone you meet in twenty years, great,” she says. “But don’t punish yourself by hardening your heart and living in such… loneliness and grief. That was what Hayden loved the most about you, your heart.” She scoots closer to grab my face in her hands. “Stop punishing yourself. Let yourself be happy again. The best way to honor Hayden and his love for you is to live the fullest life you can.”
I look at her for a minute. “Have you been talking to Naomi?” I try to joke.
“No, I’m just wise. And your best friend who knows you better than anyone else.”
“Both are true.” I sigh.
I close my eyes and the tears fall down my face. I’m so sick of these damn tears. But I lean forward, letting Madeline wrap her arms around me and hug me tight for the next several minutes, surrounding me with her love and warmth.
TWENTY-FIVE
THEN, WINTER, 5 YEARS AGO
We were preparing to attend Hayden’s father’s company Christmas party, and I didn’t realize that it was going to be quite as fancy until I got a text from an unknown number that turned out to be Hayden’s sister, Haven. The text had said, “I doubt Hayden is going to tell you about the dress code but it’s formal. He will try to wear jeans and a button down but Mom will have a tux for him. This is Haven by the way. The sister. Can’t wait to meet you! We’ve been hearing about you for months.”
I had smiled when I got that text. Especially when Hayden had told me it’s kind of fancy and that I could just wear my boots with the heels on it. I texted back my thanks and told her I was excited to meet her too.
So Maddie and I went shopping and I found a long black dress, form fitting and slightly flared out past the knees, with long sleeves. The neckline was high but went straight across my collar bone showing some shoulder. The back was completely open, dipping low and there was a slit that came up to my thigh. Sexy but classy, Maddie had said.
Maddie helps me blow dry my curls straight. When they are as straight as they’ll ever be, we slick it back into a low updo and loosen a few pieces to frame my face. I was going to wear it down, but Maddie said that that would defeat the whole purpose of a backless dress. She has a point.
I am just finishing slipping on my strappy black heels when I hear a knock at the front door. I hear Maddie answer it and the low murmur of voices of her talking with Hayden, and Elliot who is also here.
I stand up from my bed, and give myself one final check in the mirror. My makeup is a bit smokier than usual, and I painted my lips bright red. I check my teeth for any residue, finding none.
“Hey, babe, I’m sorry. My mom made me wear a tux but my sister said she texted you—” he walks into my room, stopping cold in his tracks, mouth wide open as he sees me. I feel my head getting bigger because I know I look good and I knew he was going to have a reaction. But it isn’t just attraction I see on his face. It is awe and devotion—like he is seeing something angelic and precious. That doesn’t just make my head feel big, but my heart too.
He looks incredible in his tux, even though it feels so out of place for him. It is tailored perfectly to him, but his black bow tie is slightly crooked. His hair is smoothed back into his man bun, looking more tame than I’ve ever seen it. I look down at his feet and see his black and white checkered vans, and that makes me smile.
I look back up at him and see his expression hasn't changed.
“Oh my God, Ana.” He swallows. “I need a minute,” he manages to say, putting his hands on his hips and tipping his head up to look at my ceiling before closing his eyes. He then puts his hand over his heart and rubs at it roughly. “I think I’m having a heart attack.”
I laugh. “So dramatic, gringo.” I walk over to him, looping my arms around his waist. He looks down at me, eyes still wide.
“You look so freaking beautiful,” he says, reverently. “You look beautiful in sweatpants and T-shirts. You look beautiful in anything. But God, you’re breathtaking. Heart-stoppingly beautiful. And this dress.” His eyes widen before his voice drops a bit, “Don’t ever get rid of this dress.”
I lean up to whisper in his ear, taller with my heels so it’s easier to reach him. “I’m not wearing anything underneath it.”
He drops his head to my shoulder and mumbles, “Damnit, you’re killing me.”
