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I nod in understanding, and then I just look at him. Neither of us says anything, but he just looks at me with that politely curious look he has. I know he’s probably dying to just straight up ask me what the hell happened to make me so broken, what covers me in shadows. That’s not what scares me or makes me defensive though. It’s the way he looks at me, like he wants to help put me back together.
TWENTY-EIGHT
THEN, WINTER, 5 YEARS AGO
We danced for hours before the crowd slowly began to thin until it was just us and the clean up crew. His family left a while ago, their faces alight with smiles as they watched their son, so happy and content. Watched me, blissful in his arms.
We are too exhausted to drive anywhere so Hayden gets us a room in a nearby hotel. My heart races at the thought of us sharing a hotel room together. Of being completely alone together, not with Madeline in the next room or a roommate that might come barging into his dorm at any moment. Alone. Just me and him.
I have gotten completely used to our waiting. I’ve actually enjoyed it. Instead of jumping into a physical relationship, as much as I’ve wanted to, we’ve spent months now just getting to know each other in such a different yet still incredibly intimate way. In a way I never thought possible with a partner before. In a way that I never thought I could connect with someone before.
I hope that when we finally do take those next steps, it won't ruin what we have. Even as I think those words I want to laugh them off. We’ve built a foundation so strong I know that nothing could break that. Nothing could come between us.
He leads us to our room and opens the door for me as we walk in. It’s a pretty standard setup for a hotel room, but still somehow so fancy and upscale.
I turn to look at him, and he looks almost nervous, a little sheepish. I smile and walk over to him. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he says and kisses my nose. He takes a deep breath before saying, “Ana these last few months with you have been unbelievable. I never knew I could fall for someone so fast and so deeply. But I have. I’m so in love with you. With your heart that is so much bigger than you let people see. With your compassion for the ones you love. You don’t let just anyone in, but the ones that you do, you love so fiercely and incredibly. And I can’t thank you enough for letting me in. For letting me be one of those people because being loved by you is not only the greatest privilege I’ve ever known, but it’s something I cherish each day knowing that I get to wake up and call you mine.”
I look at him, watch the emotions dance around his face, his blue eyes bright and sincere with his honesty.
I don’t know what to say to that. So I settle on, “I’m so glad you crashed into me with your skateboard.”
He smiles and reaches his hands up to hold my face. “Me too,” he whispers, “Te amo.”
“Te amo, mi amor,” I whisper back.
“I’m going to ruin your lipstick now.”
“It’s about damn time,” I say, and his lips crash into mine. He kisses me sweetly as he always does. But it’s also hungry, like he’s been desperately waiting to come undone and let the last of his guards down. I open completely to let him in, gladly giving the last pieces of myself over to him.
“It feels like the right time, right?” he asks between kisses.
“Yes,” I say quickly, “thank God.”
“I’ve been wanting to peel this dress off of you since I walked into your room tonight.”
“Do it,” I say, my voice low, with a challenge in my eyes.
He pulls away and puts his hands on his hips, “Okay how does it come off?” I laugh a little and reach up to the wide neckline, slowly pulling the sleeves down with the rest of the dress coming with it. He watches me with rapt attention, his eyes glazing and cheeks pink. And as the dress pools at my feet he sees, as I promised, I’m wearing nothing underneath.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he says, and steps forward and takes my face into his hands again and kisses me, walking me backwards towards the bed.
We don’t sleep at all. We take our time, like we’ve done from the beginning, learning each other's bodies. Exploring what the other likes, what makes each other the most comfortable.
Every inch of me feels sated. And the thought of leaving this bed makes me want to cry. I don’t think I could even lift a toe.
I lay on my stomach with my head turned to look at Hayden who is on his side, head propped up and the other hand brushing up and down my back in feather light touches. His hair is a mess and I feel satisfied knowing it was my hands that made it that way.
“That made the wait worth it, right?” he asks and I roll my eyes.
“Yes, I suppose,” I say, and he laughs.
“But now that I know what I’ve been missing, I never want to go without it again.” He leans forward to kiss my bare shoulder. He trails the kisses down my back before coming up again. Memories of those lips on every inch of my body come flooding back to me and I feel myself start to heat from the inside out.
He pulls away to look intently in my eyes, “I just want you to know that I respect you so much, Ana. It means everything to me that you trust me in this way. Not only with your heart. But with your body, your whole self. I would never do anything to make you question that or doubt that. I will honor you in every way, for as long as you’ll have me. I will love you for the rest of my days, if you’ll let me,” he says with such love etched on his face, such sincerity. I hold his gaze as long as I can.
“You better not pull a ring out,” I try to joke even though my voice cracks with emotion. He laughs and kisses my shoulder again before pulling away.
