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“I’ll go first,” Elliot says. And Maddie turns to him with a smile on her face. “My cherry was spending the whole summer with you.” He nods his chin towards Maddie with a smirk, and she flushes again. “And my pit was blowing my tire last month.”
“Oh, yeah. That sucked,” Maddie agreed. “But the summer with you was great.” Elliot leans down to give her a small peck on her lips.
“My cherry,” Hayden says, putting emphasis on the way he says ‘cherry’. I laugh and Maddie rolls her eyes, trying to hide her smile. “My cherry was the music festival Ana and I went to in July. And my pit was the stupid camping trip my parents forced upon us last week.”
I laugh again. “Yeah that was rough,” I say remembering Hayden fighting for his life against the insects and running away from a snake screaming. “But it was barely camping, we stayed in a cabin.”
“Hey you camping snob!” Hayden looks at me with mock-horror. “That’s camping for some people and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Okay, okay,” I throw my hands up in surrender. “Okay, my cherry was going to the lake at the beginning of the summer. And my pit is today. The last day of summer break.” I look around at them, feeling so bittersweet.
“It’s crazy to think that this time next year, we will all be at our jobs in the real world,” Maddie says as her eyes get wide. “Real adults.”
“Stop,” Hayden groans, “I don’t want to rush it. It will be here before we know it, and we’ll be wishing for these days. The good ole’ days.” He sighs, looking contemplative before saying. “We’ll be wishing for tonight again.”
We’re silent for a few moments before Hayden startles us as he says, “Oh I found this song I’ve been meaning to show you all!” He jumps up and runs inside. I smile and let out a breath of amusement. I’ve become totally accustomed to the way that he interrupts moments and situations to show me a new song. Two minutes later he comes back outside holding his portable speaker. “I thought about waiting until the night before graduation, but this feels like the right moment.” He sits back down next to me. “I can play it then too, but here. Listen.”
The three of us are laughing and whispering at each other as he turns the speaker on and messes around on his phone for a moment before he plays “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart. He then tugs me towards him so that I’m sitting between his open legs, leaning back against his chest. He wraps his arms loosely around me, kissing my check once before becoming still. We listen to the opening guitar strums, followed by the full, rich sound of the singer’s voice. The first line tugs at my heart immediately, at the relevance of it pertaining to our current situation. We all become quiet, listening to every word.
It’s a song about relationships and friendships, about how sometimes separation inevitably comes in the middle and forces you apart. But while some people will just move on in life, others will do whatever it takes—cross rivers and roads—to reach those people again.
The song builds and builds before coming back down slightly and I feel my heartbeat following the rhythm. I wait in anticipation, knowing instinctively that it’s going to pick back up. And when it does, when it reaches its crescendo, I find my eyes starting to water, moved by the power, the beauty and the message of the song. I’ve grown to appreciate music immensely in many ways over the last few years of my relationship with Hayden. I enjoy songs he shows me—most of them I like, some of them I don’t—and I’ve enjoyed sharing some of my favorites with him.
But as I listen to this song, sitting beside some of my favorite people in the world, I can't help but feel so much in this moment.
I feel hope.
I feel joy.
I feel security.
I feel infinite.
I wonder if this is how Hayden feels when he connects to songs. My chest starts to warm, not only from the heat of the fire in front of me but from the words and music as they wrap themselves around me.
I turn my head so that I’m looking up at him. He looks down at me. His face orange from the glow of the flames before us, light dancing and shadows being chased away.
“I love you so much,” I whisper, letting go of that nervousness that sometimes creeps up when I’m my most open and vulnerable with him.
“Te amo, Ana. More than I can ever properly express or explain to you,” he whispers back with the sweetest and most sincere smile on his face. He leans down to brush his lips against mine before pulling away and wrapping his arms around me tight. Secure.
I feel loved.
FORTY-THREE
NOW, WINTER
Winter is finally showing signs of its departure as the days start getting warmer—well not necessarily warmer, but less frost bitey. The days start to leisurely stretch longer and longer, giving us a few more seconds of sunlight each day. The drive to my parents’ house is still full of bare, empty trees which is always depressing, but at least the snow has melted. I find myself getting excited to see the first blooms of spring starting to make their way on the trees.
We’re celebrating my little cousin's tenth birthday later today, and to kill some time I’m on my way to spend the morning with my family. A decision I’m sure I’ll regret at some point today. Maybe multiple times.
When I pull into the driveway, I’m surprised to see José’s car parked there. I hop out of my car, grabbing my purse and the coffee I got along the way before I head inside.
“Ana,” my mother cries, rushing out of the kitchen to smother me with her love in the form of hugs and kisses. I put my coffee and purse down just in time for her embrace.
“Hola, Mama,” I say, returning all the love, not even realizing how much I needed it in the first place.
“Mí Ana,” my father says, taking my face in his hands and kissing my forehead. I melt into him a little bit, letting him hug me tight.
