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I shake my head and smile. “I should go,” I say. He nods.
“Let me know when you’re home?” he asks, and I smile again at him.
“I will.”
I get into my car and do a few breathing exercises because it’s only a matter of time before my head catches up to my heart. I feel the hysteria starting to bubble up. I want to cry. Half in sadness over missing Hayden and acknowledging that he was the last person I kissed, but the other half in happiness because David just made me feel more alive than I’ve felt in almost two years.
I breathe in—one…two…three…four. Out—one…two…three…four.
I feel uneasiness, but I also feel…peace.
FIFTY-TWO
THEN, SPRING, TWO YEARS AGO
We celebrate with our families all day, but after we say our goodbyes, the four of us come back to our apartment for our last night here.
The only furniture left is the couch and our beds, all of which will be moved tomorrow. We all sit squished together on the couch in silence for a few moments.
I look at the now bare walls that used to hold our pictures, our decor, and our memories. The kitchen that wasn’t only filled with our cups and plates but the echoes of our conversations around the table. I look at the front door and remember our first time walking through it, as clueless but optimistic eighteen year olds ready for our future, unsure of what to expect, nervous of what was to come, but so excited about all the opportunities.
I guess we’re in that exact position again. I remind myself of how well it all turned out and it gives me a sense of calm knowing that whatever it is that comes, we’re going to be okay.
“I can’t believe it’s all over,” Maddie finally says. Elliot opens his mouth to say something but Maddie cuts him off, “I know it’s the start of a new beginning, I know. But this chapter is over. This incredible season of our lives is over. I—” her voice breaks, “I just can’t believe it.”
“Semisonic once said that ‘every new beginning?—”
“Comes from a different beginnings’ end,” I finish for him. He looks at me and grins wide.
“I’m so proud and turned on right now,” he says. “Those aren’t quite the exact words but still. Proud and turned on.”
“Ew, stop, Hayden,” Maddie groans and we laugh.
“That song is actually pretty perfect for us right now,” Hayden sighs.
“Oh,” Maddie says. “Can you play us that one you played on the first night of senior year?”
Hayden smiles. “I was hoping and praying to all the gods—old and new—that someone would ask me that tonight.” I roll my eyes at his dramatics.
He pulls his phone out, taps around a bit before “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart once again fills the space with those familiar guitar strums.
Maddie silently cries with Elliot rubbing his hand up and down her arm. My head rests against Hayden’s chest, feeling the sure and steady beat of his heart, almost matching the rhythm of the song. Again I feel all of the same emotions I did the first time I heard it. But now it means more because we’re actually moving on. Our graduation day isn’t looming ahead of us, it’s behind us. We’re starting a new and unknown journey of life.
I’ve seen Madeline Hart almost every single day since second grade. I’ve seen Elliot Decker almost every day since he moved to Penbrooke in high school. I watched him pine over Maddie for years and then I watched them fall in love. I’ve spent the last four years opening my heart and soul to Hayden Albrecht.
Everything is about to change.
We can’t stop it. We can wish it would all slow down. We can live in the past and reflect on the good days, the best days of our lives. But we would miss out on so much of what our future is holding for us. We would miss out on so many good days that are waiting for us.
The song ends and Hayden looks at us with sadness, eyes misty and clouded in tears but also bittersweet happiness and he says, “I’m gonna miss your faces like hell.”
FIFTY-THREE
NOW, SPRING
The wildflowers are more beautiful than David could have ever hoped to describe them. In almost every color and shade, every size and shape imaginable—they fill the clearing and brighten the woods around us. I stood in silent awe for several minutes when we made it to the clearing a couple of hours ago. David was smiling at me, soaking in my reaction. “I told you,” he had said.
Eventually, after walking around and admiring them, I plucked a few and I’m now attempting to braid them together.
