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“I know you have, but if Allison is who you want, shouldn’t that be your reward?”
Her words make sense. My mother’s words always make sense anyway, no matter what the subject matter is. This is no different, and I said that’s what I was going to do when Allison was gone. I was going to claim her and keep her for myself. Make her my wife. But I was a liar.
I am a liar.
Those were words both thought and spoken in the height of panic.
Now that the dust has settled, I don’t know if that’s what I should do. Allison is still who I want, but I’m not sure if I should have her as my wife or try to keep her as my mistress instead. Having her as my mistress would solve a hell of a lot of my problems, except the big one. I don’t want her as my mistress. I want her as my wife.
Fuck.
I am not ready for any of this shit. It’s clear to me that I should be waiting to make any kind of decision. Maybe I should just table this all until I turn thirty, like my brothers. If my dad lets me. Because if I were ready, the answers would be clear as goddamn day.
Wouldn’t they?
Seven years is a long time to wait to make a decision, though, and I’m thinking Allison isn’t going to play house for that long with me. Sure, she’s having fun now, we both are. But what happens in a few years?
My brothers knew exactly who they wanted and how they wanted their women. They didn’t fucking waffle back and forth like me. They were firm in their decisions. But now I’m realizing that they were also older than me by several years.
Maybe it’s an age thing?
Goddamn, I’m a fucking asshole.
Why can’t I just take this woman I so desperately want and keep her for myself? Does it really matter that she’s been with other people? It doesn’t to me. I couldn’t give a fuck less about her hymen. I’m not an angel by any means. I can’t expect her to be one either.
“Probably,” I murmur, answering my mother’s question. “But it’s not that easy.” My mother arches a brow as she looks directly at me. She doesn’t believe me, which is cute because she knows exactly what the hell I’m saying. “Dad would never approve,” I say.
“And your father must approve,” she says.
“Yeah,” I sigh.
She nods a couple of times, writing something down in her notebook. I hate that she keeps a notebook on me, and I’m half tempted to break into her office again in the middle of the night and burn the sonofabitch.
I think I might anyway.
Fuck that notebook.
“Do you think you’re rushing the ending?” she asks.
“Ending?” I ask.
“Your brothers have just gotten married. They’re having children. Maybe you’re rushing things to get to that when it’s not your time yet?”
I don’t tell her that I was possibly thinking the same thing, because when I really take the rest of the factors into consideration, time isn’t going to magically solve this for me. I know how I felt when Allison was kidnapped. I know that I wanted her, that I wanted to keep her. But at the end of the day, I know that if I do keep her, I’m shitting on everything the family stands for.
So, the conundrum stands the same.
“Hendrick,” my mother calls out.
Lifting my head, I glance up at her. I’m not sure if she’s looking at me through Doctor Hamilton’s eyes or my mom’s, but I can see the sadness in her gaze as she watches me for a long moment. She gives me a sad smile before she stands from her seat.
This is my mother, not the doctor.
She moves across the room and sinks down beside me on the sofa before she reaches out and wraps her fingers around my hand, squeezing me. Sucking in a breath, I hold it as I wait for her to say whatever it is that’s on her mind.
“Sometimes, the best decisions we have to make as people are the hardest ones.”
I blink a couple of times, waiting for her to continue. She doesn’t. It seems like that’s all she wanted to say. Laughing, I shake my head a couple of times. I can’t believe she’s just going to leave it wide as fuck open like that. But that’s my mom.
