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Edgar is wearing his green visor, which is normal for him at this time of night. He has one of his bingo tapes playing on Grams’ tube TV. Both of them have a few bingo cards by their seat and little half-pencils.
“You’re so damn sexy,” Edgar says, giving Grams’ hand a little squeeze.
I grin. Admiring their wrinkled little romance is a little bit like taking medicine. I may not like how it tastes going down, but I can appreciate that it’s a good thing. I’m happy for Grams, even if I wish she could be a little less graphic when she explains how well-endowed Edgar is or how much they’re enjoying their sex life. I’m thinking I may take up day trading and invest in erectile dysfunction pills though if they keep this up much longer. Edgar is probably keeping an entire pharmacy in business all on his own by the sounds of things.
He moved in with her a few months back, and as far as I can tell, it has been smooth sailing ever since. I eventually signed the papers and bought the little rental cabin from Grams, and I try to come over for dinner with her and Edgar just about every Sunday.
“Is your little stud coming to dick you down soon?” Grams asks casually, as if she’s asking me if I remembered to take the trash out.
I swallow, close my eyes, and force a grin. “He’s not my little stud. And they just finished the first round of their playoffs. I’m guessing the last thing on his mind right now is coming all the way to Frosty Harbor before the semi-finals. They’ve probably got practices and whatever.”
“Keeping pretty close tabs on the season, eh?” Edgar says.
Grams shares a knowing look with Edgar. “That boy must have some magic between his legs.”
They both laugh and Edgar nods aggressively, marking off one of the numbers on his card as he follows along with the TV. “You should see the way they are at the restaurant. Like horny bunnies. Slipping away every chance they can, thinking nobody notices.”
I feel my cheeks burning. “Can we not?” I ask.
“Sex is a natural thing,” Grams says. “Women were made with a hole and men were made with a stick. Now, you try telling me that’s not destiny. What person in their right mind isn’t going to want to put their stick in a hole? It’s just common decency. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with mashing holes together or sword fighting, either. Lord knows I’ve tried every combination at my disposal.”
I narrow my eyes. “You’ve tried sword fighting?” I ask
“I’ve watched a sword fight. Live.” She wiggles her eyebrows. “See, if you use two hands, you can just kind of mash them together and take care of both men at the same–”
“That is plenty of information, Grams. Thank you.”
“You know,” Grams says. She’s getting that thoughtful look she gets in her eyes, sometimes. “Sex only gets better with age. It’s like fine wine or a good stinky cheese.”
I laugh. “I’m not sure stinky cheese is the example you want to go with there, Grams.”
“You don’t understand,” she says, waving me off. “But that’s normal. Dick starvation is a known cause of confusion and cognitive decline. You’re basically operating on cave woman level right now because your man hasn’t tapped your honey pot in too long. It’s really not your fault.”
“I’m not dick-starved, thank you very much.”
“Nothing to be ashamed of,” Edgar says. He marks off another box on his paper and Grams notices, cursing as she looks at her still-empty card.
“You’re right,” she says, sighing as if admitting a hard truth. Then the corner of her mouth pulls up. “You’re dick-deprived..”
Edgar nods sadly. “Frankfurter-famished.”
“Pickle-pining,” Grams agrees, then they both burst out laughing.
I roll my eyes. “Very funny. You two should take it easy or you’re going to have to change your diapers.”
“Oh look,” Grams says. “She’s making old people jokes. How original.”
I stick my tongue out at her, and she smiles to herself.
“Bingo!” Edgar shouts, rising up from his seat so fast I’m worried he might’ve popped a hip out of place.
“You grandma fucker!” Grams shouts, slamming her fork down on the plate. Then she winks and squeezes one of Edgar’s butt cheeks.
31
NOLAN
I’m celebrating with the guys on the ice. Tens of thousands are cheering all around us.
