AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Crap. I grab a piping bag and fill it with icing, hurriedly practicing making roses. “That’s nice.”
“Just thought you might want to say hi.”
“They’re just my brothers.”
“Yeah, they’re family.”
I didn’t tell Beatrix about our island tryst, and I keep up the ruse now. I don’t want to go there. “I don’t even know them. I mean, our parents got married. And other than seeing them in here, I wouldn’t recognize them on the street.”
I give up on the icing piles that look more like white poop than roses, and grab my gear for practice. “Let’s go.”
Beatrix eyes me suspiciously but drops the conversation and follows me out the back door. We have a team meeting an hour before our bout, then our warmup time.
Avery shows up while we’re practicing a move called,Eating the Baby. I love the irreverence of roller derby, but now I’m afraid panic sets on my face every time someone says the worldbaby. All I can think about is the pregnancy test I’m gonna take later.
Since Avery’s out with theNine Month Injury, she’s running the swag table.
“You don’t look so good,” Beatrix says. Perhaps my worry about reacting to the word baby is as obvious as I feared.
“I’m fine,” I say in a way that conveys I’m absolutely not fine. I have to skate to the front of the pack to run our move, which is a welcomed escape.
The second we end up next to each other, she says, “I’m going to be open with you.”
Coach has us regroup to practice making a wall. I try to skate away from Beatrix, but she grabs my waist, ensuring we stay side by side.
“You haven’t been the same since you got back. Avery pointed it out to me, and she’s right. Are you sure you’re up for the bout tonight?”
I scowl, even though she’s just watching out for me, and for the team. “I’ve been at practice this week. I earned my spot.”
Candy, a teammate, challenges us from behind, pivoting around the end. Beatrix widens her stance in aSnowplow, eliminating a legal pass.
We skate another lap and try the move again. She continues, “I don’t question you belonging on the team. I’m worried about your relationship with your mom. Are you worried her marriage will affect your relationship with her?”
Candy slams into us, hitting me as hard as Beatrix’s comment. I hold tight against Candy’s assault. Not so much against the verbal one. “I was going to move out anyway. I don’t need my mom. I’m an adult.”
And there goes the verbal diarrhea. And the lies by omission.
“It’s okay to admit you’re afraid. It’s a lot of change at once.” Beatrix keeps pressing.
If only she knew what I was really afraid of.
Thirteen
Stonewall
I lower my kickstand, hop off my motorcycle, and feel like I’m making a huge mistake heading in to watch Cheri’s derby team compete.
I’ve been dealing with a load of conflicted feelings since she shined her way into my life. I haven’t told anyone, but I started going to a psychiatrist. Supposedly it’s cool to take care of your mental health these days, but it feels so shameful not to be able to handle myself.
Not being able to let Cheri in, even though I wanted to, served as my wake-up call.
If I hadn’t come straight from an appointment, I wouldn’t have come at all, but the doctor is encouraging me to do fun things and my brothers said this would be fun.
Taz insisted we cheer our sister on at the roller derby bout. The gray concrete walls of the event center where the Hot Rollers compete are about as welcoming as she’s been since we got home.
I’d thought that keeping my hands off of her would keep me from feeling things. It didn’t. If I’d admitted what I felt and let my guard down, would it have made a difference?
So far, the therapist is teaching me that I can’t know how alternate versions of the past would play out, and to forgive myself for things like not being there when Grandma passed away. Grandma often spoke proudly of my military service, and I can focus on that.
