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“I think I need to step out. Can you take over?” I was in no condition to be cooking.
Before Brandon had a chance to respond, I began walking my fingers down my jacket, preparing to leave.
I heard him say, “Of course,” as I tossed my jacket on a chair on my way to the back door.
Once outside, the door to the parking lot thudded shut behind me, drawing the attention of the only two people outside. Facing Maria right now was not the plan. But there she was. And so was Natalia.
Maria had avoided me all day after she’d dropped Chiara off at Thomas’s house. She’d texted earlier that she planned to drive herself to the restaurant instead of catching a ride with me, and I didn’t argue. She’d needed space, and I’d given it to her, too worried about my state of mind to be around her in the first place.
“Everything okay?” Natalia called out, her hand over her stomach with her back to her husband’s truck. A nearby lamppost illuminated both of them, making them look like angels, and there I was standing in the dark like a damn metaphor for something.
“I just needed to step away for a minute,” I shared, unsure if I wanted to go to them or escape somewhere else.
“I was about to head in.” Natalia started toward me and whispered upon passing by, “She’s upset about Chiara being gone. Cheer her up, please.”
Yeah, she’s upset about more than just that. But I nodded, then waited for Natalia to head inside before I reluctantly ate up the space between myself and the woman who drove me crazy. But the world also seemed to stop spinning whenever she wasn’t with me. And that wasn’t good for anyone. “You didn’t tell her what happened between us?”
Maria fidgeted with the sleeve of her cream-colored blouse as she said, “No, not yet.” Her eyes worked up to mine as she leaned against the truck. “I’ve been doing some thinking today.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” I glibly responded.
She huffed out a deep breath and let go of her sleeve, only to nervously shake her hand at her side. What was she planning to say? “And?”
“You keep telling me you’re bad for me. Dangerous. And sometimes I forget that this is real life and not fiction.” She wet her lips, drawing my eyes there like a magnet. “And if a guy tells you he’s not good for you, well, in real life, you should listen.” Her gaze lifted to the clouds overhead in the dark sky. “The thing is, I’m stubborn. I don’t listen well. And why can’t life imitate art? Or hell, who says art’s not actually just a mirror of life?”
I grabbed the back of my neck and squeezed, uncomfortable as I waited for my little fireball to continue. That morning, I told her I’d killed a man, and she was taking it in stride. Acting as though I’d confessed only to stealing someone’s recipe or running a stop sign.
“Even in light of what you told me this morning, I’m still here.” She sniffled. “I’m willing to risk my heart for you,” she declared in a soft voice as her eyes returned to mine. “I’ll take the chance you break it if it means you’ll give us a chance.” She was being vulnerable with me, possibly even forgiving me for murder. And I was standing there like an idiota, unsure what to do or how to react to that.
I promised her father long ago to protect her and Natalia. But I’d made a promise to myself, too: never let anyone I care about feel anything close to the kind of pain I lived with daily. And if I gave in to my desires, gave in to my feelings for her ... what if the horrible scenarios that crossed through my mind like a deadly storm came true? What if I hurt her? Lost her forever?
“Maria.” Her name came out like a rough plea from my lips. Of course, I had no idea what I was begging her to do. Stop wanting me or never stop?
“I tried to open the door to my heart for you on my birthday, and you slammed it shut.” Her voice trembled this time. “I’m opening it again for you tonight. Right here in this parking lot. It’s up to you whether you want to walk through. This is your last chance. I’ll stop being stubborn if you reject me tonight. I’ll face reality and move on.”
Was this my shit-or-get-off-the-pot moment, as my brother had so eloquently called it?
“You’d risk your heart, but what about Chiara’s?” I cut straight through to the meat of what I knew would be the main problem for her. The only counter defense I had left in my arsenal to use against her, to keep this woman from breaking me down to the point where I stopped fighting this thing between us, and I tried to be happy.
“No.” She shook her head, tears in her eyes. “You’d kill yourself before hurting my little girl.”
Without question. “And you already know what I’m willing to give up if it means keeping you safe.” I reached for her, cupping her cheeks, unable to think straight.
Her glossy eyes unleashed a few tears. “Yeah, you’re already doing it,” she whispered. “Breaking your own heart so you don’t risk breaking mine.”
My hands slid to her hair, and I set my forehead to hers, playing with the locks by her face as I mustered the strength to keep fighting her on this.
She was offering herself to me, doing what I begged her not to do, but this went way beyond sex. She was offering all of herself to me. Not just her body. Her whole life.
“Maria, what are you doing to me?” My voice broke that time, and her hands covered mine.
She shifted back to stare into my eyes as her lower lip trembled.
“After what you learned about me, I just can’t wrap my head around why you still want me,” I bluntly said, no point in sugarcoating anything now. “But I need time to think things through before I ...” I let go of a ragged breath. “Can you give me that?”
Her lips rolled inward, and it took all my strength not to lean in and suck that bottom lip, to not taste her for the first time in six years.
“Okay.” The word was more like a breath of air passing between us as she eased her body a bit closer, and my hand brushed against her breast with barely any space between us. “I wish you’d kiss me,” she cried like it was meant as a confession for a priest. Only I was far from worthy of hearing anyone’s sins. I was a man incapable of redemption, and my soul wouldn’t wind up with hers on the other side when my time came.
