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However, I am relieved. Notbecause I’m not pregnant—that’s expected given my religious use ofbirth control and the fact that I’ve stuck with battery-operatedboyfriends ever since I last saw Rick and felt like a total pieceof shit, as if I’d somehow betrayed Chris, even though it made nosense because he and I are just friends. I’ve gone through twovibrators since Chris showed up back in Madison, and I can’t tellif he was more on my mind before or after I got mad at him and hisstupid veiny arms and his stupid hard body and his stupid monstererection that’s haunting my dreams even though I have yet to see itup close and personal.
I could feel Chris’s eyes on meall evening. I’ve tried my hardest to ignore him, but I’ve alwaysbeen painfully aware of where he was and which way he waslooking.
I tried to thrust that littleparalegal from Joe’s department on Chris, only he didn’t bite,which surprised me given the other guy pivoted from me to her sofast I got whiplash, but I also admit I didn’t hate it.
The space between Chris and mefeels sticky, as if the bodies are trying to slam together and ittakes a lot of energy to keep them apart. That’s how I feel, atleast, and based on how pained he looks when he’s near me, I’mpretty sure he is similarly affected. But I’ve been wrongbefore.
I complain about not feeling well,which is true, and I say I want to go home.
“I will go with you,” heinsists.
“I drove here. I assume you did,too,” I say.
“You shouldn’t be leaving byyourself.”
“I’m fine, I promise. I’m parkedjust outside.”
“I’ll walk you to your car,then.”
I sigh. “Okay, fine.”
I’m about to get in the car, buthe looks like he’s about to say something, his body coiled withtension. Before he manages to speak, I put my hand up. He winces asif I’ve struck him.
“Look, Chris, I am tired and, tobe honest, pretty crampy since I just got my period…” He raises oneeyebrow and his mouth quirks up. “Yeah, I know. TMI. That’s me!” Isay, gesturing up and down my torso. “What little filter I usuallyhave isn’t fully functional tonight, so I’m gonna level with you. Ireally like you. I made the mistake of reaching out to you a fewweeks ago in a way that put you on the spot and made youuncomfortable—”
“Hold on—”
“Let me finish. You told me youwanted to preserve our friendship and I want that, too. I admit, Ifelt pretty ashamed and just all-around shitty when you walked out.Consequently, I did some shitty things. One of them was being weirdtoward you for weeks. You didn’t deserve any of it because youdidn’t do anything wrong.”
“Roxie, wait, listen to me—” Heputs his hands on my upper arms.
“No, Chris.” I remove his hands.“You were right, and I should apologize to you again. I promise youthat I will never put you in a position to be uncomfortable likethat ever again. You are one of my absolute favorite people in theworld. Like, you’re literally top three, and the other two are backinside the bar. So can please we go back to how things were?Please?”
Chris looks crestfallen. If I ambeing honest, a small part of me is glad. Okay, all of me isglad.
I don’t want to manipulate him. Idon’t want him to feel hurt or sad. What I want is to be rid ofambiguity. He’s giving me signals—I am not blind to them. Hell, somuch of me wants to jump him right here, period cramps andpublic-indecency laws be damned—but I hate ambiguity, andChris seems to be drowning in it. There’s something holding himback, and maybe it’s the friendship thing, maybe he’s simply notsure about me, but if he can hold back, so can I. If he wants me,he will have to come and get me. I will not be reaching outagain.
“Whatever you need,” he says, hisshoulders slumped. Still, he waits until I’m safely in my car,buckled up, then he leans to look into the passenger-side window,waves, and mouths “Good night” with a faint smile on his lips.
****
I am home early, with Scylla andCharybdis both on my lap—nothing beats cats on the lower belly asperiod-pain relief. As I settle down to look through my watchlistson various streaming services, I notice all the WNBA games thatChris had tried to make me see, but I always refused.
This time, for some reason, I feelready. I click on the first link in the list, and I end up spendingall evening watching basketball. I hadn’t done that in ages and itfeels so, so good. I still notice everything I used to beable to—I can discern the plays, the movements of key people, andspot gaps in the defense. I think about what I’d do differently ifI were the power forward in the game.
I go to bed in a better mood thanI’ve been in a long time.
****
Chris: How are you feeling? Iwas a little worried about you when you left last night
Roxie: No worries. Just girltrouble
Chris: Do you needanything?
Roxie: No, but thanks forasking. Besides, if you show up, the cats will abandon me, and Ikind of need them on *my* stomach, not yours
Chris: LOL That’s fair
