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Neither of us say a thing; neither of us let those words out. Instead, we simply say goodbye and hang up the phone, leaving everything up in the air. Not great, not where I want things to be, but until all of this is over, this is how things have to be.
What do I do now?
Go home, I guess.
Wait this out. See when Riley comes back, and then we can pick things up where we left off. Maybe… if that’s what she wants, of course.
***
The inside of Coach’s office is all too familiar to me these days, and it never spells anything good. These meetings are getting way too regular for my liking. As is that look on his face. That displeased, furrowed look.
“What is going on with you at the moment, Alex? Practice was a real shit show today. It’s like you’re falling apart at the seams.”
It’s hard to keep my anger inside now. I’ve been playing it cool and keeping everything inside, but now I need to be heard. “Coach, this is why I didn’t want to get involved with the media. Because I knew something like this would happen.”
“Alex, the article I had written about you is good. It worked out well for the team’s image and yours as well.” He points an accusing finger my way. “It’s your behavior that put you in this mess. You didn’t need to get yourself mixed up with the journalist. You should have known that it would end up this way.”
I roll my eyes. “I obviously didn’t think things were going to end up this way. I never would have been seen in public with Riley if I thought it’d getthismessy.”
“You shouldn’t really be thinking about Riley right now,” Coach interjects warningly. “I’m sure she’s not worrying about you. She’ll be focusing on the tattered remains of her career, just like you should be. You can’t keep playing like this. You can’t keep letting us all down. The rest of the team relies on you. The way you play reflects on all of them. You know that.”
Urgh, I hate all this pressure on my shoulders. I used to love being the center of the team because it felt good when things were going well, but right now, I could do with someone else picking up the slack.
“I don’t want to have to keep you on the bench, Alex,” Coach continues, ignoring the clear turmoil I’m suffering. “You know that the press isn’t kind to you when you’re on the bench. The fans will eventually get tired of you as well.”
Fuck.
I don’t like the way any of this washes over me.
This shit is serious.
My career really is slipping through my fingers.
I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t have hockey. There isn’t anything else out there for me. Not now. I know I’ll have to retire one day, but I don’t want to leave the sport behind.
If I lose the love of the fans, then I won’t stand a chance of keeping the game in my life.
“I won’t end up on the bench again,” I promise Coach, but he isn’t looking at me like he has a scrap of confidence in me at all. “This isn’t going to keep happening.”
“We all have personal drama, Alex, but we can’t let that affect us on the ice. We can’t keep fucking up over and over again. Not at the pro level.”
I swallow hard and nod. “I know. I won’t keep letting you down.”
I still don’t feel any confidence from Coach as I leave his office, but I can’t allow that to drag me down. If no one else will have confidence in me, then I have to have faith in myself. I need to keep on going.
Riley isn’t here. She’s gone back to her mother’s home. She isn’t picking up the pieces of her tattered career; it seems to me like she’s given up. Not just on being a journalist but on me as well.
I guess while I wait to see where she is going and what she’s doing with her life, all I can do is really throw myself back into hockey. I need to get my career back to where it used to be, when everything was great and I was happy.
Then, I can work out where Riley and I stand.
Chapter 21—Riley
“Riley, are youstillon the couch? Oh my goodness.”
I grunt, not sure why Mom is so surprised. Surely she’s used to finding me curled up in a blanket on the couch for hours on end by now. And not just since I’ve been back in Cold Spring for the last couple of days, but when I was a teenager as well.
This is my happy place.
