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“After I left, I called you and texted you almost every day. For about a year. When I realized that you weren’t going to ever answer me back, I thought you had changed your number and forgot to tell me, so I searched for you on social media. I know it was brand new to us back then, but when I couldn’t find you, I just assumed you weren’t into that kind of thing. So, I gave up on trying to reach out to you.” Jax speaks in a low, husky timbre, something that resembles disappointment bleeding into the lines of rage.
I don't like where this is going. Jaxon doesn't know to how far the pain he caused me extended. He doesn't know how serious I was about not ever speaking to him ever again.
“I had you blocked." I cut to the chase like ripping off a band aid.
“I’m sorry. You’re going to need to be a little bit louder, Hollis.” He takes a step closer now. Like he can’t make up his mind.
“I said, I blocked you. Phone number, social medias, everything.” I straighten my back a little, because I know I'd rather crawl into a ball and bury myself six feet under right now, but I can’t show him that.
Jax looks distressed, almost devastated. I know it because that’s how I looked when I would find my own reflection staring back at me.
“Well, that seems a little extreme. What could have possibly triggered that move? I mean, I must have looked like an idiot calling you almost every day and after all this time, come to find out you simplyblocked my number?” His anger is harrowing and he floods the room with it. I can see the resentment start to unfurl, tumbling in like dark clouds as he watches me retreat.
Because I will retreat. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want the guilt of what I did to him to weigh heavier on me than the pain of what he did to me.
I did it because I had to, but I don’t think I can finish this conversation right now. I don’t know if it will end well and my brain can’t fathom the outcome. My heart won’t survive this fight if we have to have it.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Jax.” I admit, my eyes falling closed as I realize just how weak I am. Maybe from the suffering of it all, maybe from the smoke in my lungs. Whatever it is, I need to escape it.
“It’s already been brought up, Hollis. It was brought up the day I came back to town and expected,hoped,for fuck's sake, to finally see you again only for you to act like you don’t even know me.” His voice is cracked, bitter and cold.
“Idon’tknow you, Jax,” I declare. He has to know that we have both changed and no matter what the reason was, we were never going to be the same after that day.
How did we get toe to toe? How did we get so close in the time we were at war with our words? And why does it look like he wants to get closer?
I can smell the leather scent on him, he wears it so well and it's enticing. But I can't let it consume me that way, I need to have a clear mind if we're going to talk about this topic even in the slightest, so I force myself to back up a few feet.
“What about Liam, huh? Are we ever going to talk about that?” Jax raises his voice but not in an angry manner. I can tell he just wants me to explain myself.
“No,” I say flatly.
“Why? You’re not the only one who gets to be hurt here, Hollis. Except I’m pretty fucking positive you actually know my reasoning. The guy is a dick. And you deserve-”
“Don’t you dare fucking tell me what you think I deserve, Jaxon." I point my finger at him. "You left me there. You took me into that stupid closet, and you left me. I didn’tdeservethat either. But it wasyou, my best fucking friend, who made me feel so fucking small." I pinch my fingers together, willing myself not to break down but feeling the prick of tribulation and tears is inevitable. "So don’t you ever for a second think you have a monopoly on what you think I deserve.”
“Hollis I-” Jax steps up with his hands out in front of him in defense looking completely taken aback and shocked at my sudden flip of tone.
“Get the fuck out of my house.” I step aside, looking down at the floor, my heart pounding in my chest a million miles per minute.
“Please.” He attempts one more time to get me to change my mind. He’s pained and I hate myself for relishing in my relief to see him suffer the way I did. The way he made me feel.
“Now!” I shout and he does without so much as another glace.
Jax walks right past me and out the front door, kind of like he did all those years ago. But this time, I know there's no hoping that it's permanent because I don't want to lose him…not really. I just need this heartbreak to stop hurting so much so I can face it and conquer it. I thought it had stopped till he walked back into my life, and now all I can hope is that I’ll be brave enough to get over my fears and tell him my side of the story.
When did friendships get so fucking complicated?
seven
17 YEARS AGO
“You’renotgoingtolook silly, Holli. It’s for your protection, trust me.” Jax’s little voice squeaked up from the driveway as Hollis sat on the cement with her legs stretched out in front of her, arguing with him about putting on her knee and elbow pads.
“Are you sure either of you don’t need an adult’s help?” Hollis’s mother yelled out from the front door, but Jax just shook his head and insisted that he had it under control.
“No thanks, Mrs. Mendoza. I’m confident I can teach Hollis how to ride a two-wheel bike in no time.” He gave her a thumbs up and Hollis huffed out an apprehensive sigh, but her mother disappeared back inside anyways.
“This one doesn’t fit right,” Hollis vocalized through gritted teeth as she tried to wrap the Velcro strap around her left elbow.
