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That day at the party, it was my last chance to express to her how I really felt but instead, I did what I did best and thought about protecting her first. I couldn’t be selfish with her, not when we both knew I was leaving the next day. I knew that I would be the one to wreck her if I admitted my feelings and then moved on to live a different life in which I might have been too busy to communicate back and forth every day. And at her age, that’s not what she deserved.
I just don’t understand how moving to college, which again was always the plan, had offended her so badly that she had to remove me from her life all together.
I try to replay that night in my head, but I hate the way it feels. I was in such a tough place trying to decide between right and wrong and in a way, I’d broken my own fucking heart. It breaks even more knowing that I’ve hurt her and that she decided to eventually fall into the arms of someone who never treated anyone with respect. It fucking sucks to be honest.
It should have been me. It should have been us.
I’m taken from my thoughts when my phone rings. Surprise glazes my eyes when I check the screen and see that my mother is calling.
“Hello?” I answer distantly.
“Wanted to see what you were doing tonight? Was hoping we could all get together for dinner?” My mom’s tone is light and unsure, as if it’s hard for her to speak the words to extend the invitation which causes me to run a hand down my face.
We’d never really gotten along past high school. I think there are a few reasons behind it. She wanted me to join the militaryorgo to college. Those were the choices she gave me. So, I decided to go to college which was actually the wrong decision I guess because she didn’t seem too happy when I told her my plan. Our grandfather was in the Navy and I think she wanted us to follow in his footsteps, but she gavemethe option. Kylan decided to enroll when he could, and I chose the latter route. I didn't see the point in her having a huge issue with it.
I think what irked her even more was that I told her I’d be moving to my dad's place for college. She really didn’t like that. I know my dad hurt her and left her to pursue his own shit, trust me, it affected everyone for a while, but I wanted to do what I saw fit for my future, and I think she took that out on me because it reminded her of what he did. I think she thought I was choosing sides in a way.
“Are you sure you called the right son?” I ask back handedly, knowing that my sarcasm will piss her off. Sometimes, I just can't help myself.
“Yes, Jaxon.” I can practically hear her eyes roll. “I wanted the four of us to get together. It’s been weeks since we’ve seen you and…” she trails off and I’m thankful she does because I don’t need her to feign sentiment.
It’s been weeks since anybody has seen me, really. Since the small fire in Hollis’ kitchen, I’ve been spending most of my days here, drinking and thinking. I felt like we were starting to make progress there for a second, but then we went right back to square one of this whole reunion. She pushed me away and I was really starting to despise the way that feels.
“Anywhere but Willows,” I state to my mom.
I can’t see Hollis right now, and I don’t want her to think that I don’t know how to listen to her wants and needs. I do. And I can. The problem is that the next time I see her, I won’t let her walk away.
I pull into the parking lot of the familiar restaurant. I recognize it from when my mom, my dad, Kylan and I used to come here on Saturday nights. It doesn’t look too different. Except now my dad is replaced by my mom’s husband, Jeff. I don’t really know the guy too well; I know he and Ky get along just fine. I just never really cared to accept him into my life when I knew I wasn’t going to stick around much longer.
“Hey, Jax,” he greets me, standing up to shake my hand like we’re old friends or business partners. I can’t decide which of the two his shake imitates, but I just accept it and return the gesture. Mom smiles nicely in my direction and I say, “Hey, mom.” before taking my seat next to Kylan.
“So, what’s new?” Jeff asks, getting straight to the small talk.
I hate that question. What the fuck does anyone mean bywhat’s new? The day? The day is new but that’s about it. And even if there was something new to report, I don't think the interest levels would be anything less than…uninterested where these people are concerned.
“Not a lot, just looking to start work soon,” I respond vaguely.
“Did you find something?” my mother asks, and I hate that I notice how she had to force herself to ask me the question as if she cares. I debate answering for a moment, seeing the disconnect in her eyes. But I decide to stop being so petty.
“Yeah, that old auto shop down the road. Cody works there and said he’d put in a good word with his boss. I went in to talk to him a few days ago and he said he could start me next week.” I’m fucking grateful he told me they had space. I am not the type of person to sit still for too long and working with cars of any kind has always been a passion of mine. And it’ll be good to keep my hands and my mind busy.
“Sounds exciting,” she says but I can see the disinterest emanating from her.
“That shop has been going strong. It’s been around for years,” Kylan adds. Obviously, he can sense the tension and for whatever reason he tries to combat it by chiming in. I appreciate that about him.
“Yeah, I’m pretty stoked. I didn’t get to work in the shop much at my old place but when I did, it just felt like the right place for me to be.” That feels like too much of an intimate detail than I’d like to share with the three sitting around me, but it just comes out.
“You sold cars, right?” Jeff asks, his voice seeming monotone and flat as he looks anywhere but my eyes.
“Yeah, I specialized in high-end sales.”
“Like Aston Martins?” his interest seems piqued now and it's almost as if my mom had never talked about me after I left. But then again, I never really talked to her at all so really, what does she even know about me?
“Something like that.” Is all I give back, shrugging my shoulders and leaning back in my chair.
“Those cars are expensive as shit,” Kylan says after pulling a swig from his iced water. "How come you don't own one?" I know he’s just making small talk to buffer the apparent hostility surrounding my discomfort in being here.
"Who says I don't own one?" I direct my conversation to him. Ky and I haven’t ever really had the chance to bond over much so I welcome his interest whether it’s genuine or not.
