AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Wait, he saw them too?”
“Yeah, but I’m trying to avoid him, remember?”
“Yeah, because he’s the real bully of your heart. Trust me, I know all about his fuck up. But can you really say that what he did was worse than what Liam did, or is still doing?” She purses her lips, widens her eyes and then tilts her head. I know that look.
That thought never occurred to me. Liam could still be cheating on me. For how long? And why doesn't it really bother me that this could be the case.
But I think over Jae’s question. And I know the answer.
I know how I feel right now, finding out that my boyfriend of nearly a year has cheated on me at least once. And I know that despite that, I don’t feel nearly as much hate or hurt or pain as I did compared to Jax’s betrayal. Why? Because I care about Jax. I care about what he thinks of me, I care about him and what he did the last eleven years. I have wanted Jax for far too long to just not care about him, despite my strong efforts to do just that. I’m not saying I don’t care about Liam, but nothing I've ever felt for him or any other breathing person will ever compare to what I felt–or do feel–for Jax. It’s that simple. Your feelings toward someone you truly love and care about are felt tenfold, pain and anger included.
“What Jax did to me, I wasn’t mentally prepared for. I know it might not seem like much. But…”
“You don’t have to relive that time, babe. I already know seeing him again might have fucked with your head. But with the physical evidence, lots of restless nights, multiple prescriptions, and a therapist behind you, youdo notneed to recount anything to me. I guess my question was dumb. Sorry, bestie.” She reaches over and squeezes my knee.
“Thank you for being there for me through all of it,” I say. "I think I'm just a little nervous to officially end things with Liam because…"
"Cuz that would make you a single girl, and we all know where your heart truly belongs."
She's right. I’m fucking terrified that ending things with Liam will put my heart at risk. I might not have a choice but to give in to Jax’s sexy charms and his flirty blue eyes. Not to mention the added ink which only intensifies how fucking attractive he’s always been. And I can see the passion in his eyes as well, it frightens the fuck out of me. But if I admit it, then everything I've battled these past eleven years would seem like a cry for attention and I don't know if I'm ready to let Jaxon in at all after everything I've endured.
There’s so much internally about that time that no one will understand. Sometimes I don’t even understand. I’ve been told I may never understand and that all I can do is try to live with it. And I don’t want to think about the judgment I might have to face if I do tell him. I know I felt a little of it from my parents when they figured out what I was battling.
I guess I can’t blame them really. It’s hard to figure out what’s wrong with someone when that someone never reached out for help until the spiral led them to a hospital bed. All they knew at first was that their daughter suffered from severe depression and tried to kill herself–or at least thought about it.
I told them that it was stress from college, but they didn’t believe that and I knew then that I’d have to share the full story. Which was hard enough when all you could feel was like you were disappointing them with your stupid thoughts of hating yourself. I think it’s why my mom is so much harder on me. I think it’s why my dad is easier on me.
But I never mentioned the part about Jax to them. Because that part feels the most stupid. That one person and one night could lead to an entire mental breakdown. After the accident, I sought out therapy, which did actually help a bit. They tried to help me understand that triggers are normal and valid, no matter how stupid they may seem.
I trace the slightly raised lines on my arm, not the lines of my tattoos, but the onesunderthem.
“You’re good, Hollis.” Jaelynn squeezes me again and brings me back to the present day.
Liam doesn’t even know about all of my issues, because since giving up meds and relinquishing my self-destructive demons to a therapist, I’ve been on solid ground. It gave me a way to outpour all of my feelings and not have to hang on to them anymore. It’s been almost two years since being in therapy. The night Liam found me, I had just finished my last therapy session and I needed to start doing normal things again. But it hurt. More than I was ready for. I was grateful that he stopped and asked me what was wrong. I was grateful he apologized to me for being an asshole all those years ago, though I never held onto that in the past, it was still something for me to hang on to for the future…people can change.
But slowly, I can feel all of those suppressed memories creep back into the dark corners of my mind, crawling around to the parts that I can’t hide from.
Front and center.
It all started when he left me and I’m afraid it’ll happen again.
thirteen
Hollis
ELEVEN YEARS AGO
"Justlikewepracticed,Hollis. Tell him how you really feel. This is the perfect chance to do it and maybe he'll even feel the same way. You don't have to kiss him unless you want to. But this is your only chance before he leaves," Jaelynn whispers in my ear as Jax watches me from the other side of the circle.
I know he can't hear her, and I don't even know if he cares to know what she's saying, but I listen to every word.
I've been trying to work up the courage to tell Jaxon about my crush for a while now. I think what makes me nervous is rejection.
Correction, I know that makes me nervous. Because he's my best friend and I don't know what I would do if he turned me down. Probably hide under a rock for the rest of my life.
Jaelynn pulls away from my ear and gives me a reassuring smile just as Jaxon reaches my side, lowering his hand for me to pull myself up with.
When I do, we're escorted to the closet by another party goer and before I know it, I'm stuffed in close proximity with the only person I can imagine myself in here with but the idea that this might ruin everything bubbles inside of me as I try not to look into his impossibly blue eyes.
