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“You blocked me, remember? I never wanted to stop talking to you, ever. I had every intention of continuing our friendship and…” His timbre sounds just as broken as I once felt and part of me hates that he feels that way, no one should have to feel that way.
ButIdid.
“Jax, you rejected me and left me. It was like being stabbed in the heart. I didn’t know what to do after that. I didn’t know how to move on from it. Everything just went downhill from there and it….”
“It destroyed you.” Understanding bleeds from his voice as he attempts to walk toward me again.
“It did.” I let the tears fall, just as his shed at the same time.
It feels like breaking, but it also feels like healing at the same time. Like releasing the heartache by throwing a glass plate at a wall. I know this is what needed to be said, I know we needed to get to this point. But why does it hurt so much knowing that after all this time,it could have been us.
It could have been me and him, I wouldn’t have had to go through what I’d gone through.
Maybe I shouldn’t have blocked him. Maybe I could have given it more time and tried again. But these are the cards we were dealt and we’re going to have to find our way through this.
“I’m so sorry, Hollis. I never intended for it to happen like that. I really thought I was protecting you. I’m so fucking sorry.” Jax steps up to me and wipes my tears away with the back of his knuckles.
And no matter how much pain is being caused knowing that my struggles could have been fixed with a simple conversation, I feel like a balloon that’s been popped with a needle and all the forced air is being released. It feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. It feels a lot more freeing than I gave credit for–I was trying to avoid this conversation but after all, it ended up being exactly what I needed.
“I think I should go,” I tell him as I bring my eyes up to his. I’m not trying to run away, not this time. But I think we both could use a little of our own air to breathe.
“No, please don’t do that. I know this is intense and we’ve both said so much. But I really think you should stay, Hollis. I don’t think I can let you walk away from me again. Even if you promised to come back.” His blue eyes are pleading, his words are begging me to stay.
It’s ironic how what decidedly led me down this path was him leaving and now he can’t stand the thought of me doing the same. It’s what ultimately leads me to the decision of staying right now. That and the fact that it’s still thundering like a motherfucker outside.
“I don’t want to leave. But we need some space for a little bit. Mind if I stay in that guest bedroom?” I return the favor and wipe the last of his tears still slowly dripping down his cheek.
“If you need me, you know where to find me.” He doesn’t hesitate to grant me the request as leans down and presses a kiss to my forehead.
I smile at him, before turning to head back to the other room.
On my walk over, I think of our situation like a book. Somewhere out there, there’s an author working tirelessly to write the story of some character and their journey from start to finish. It starts with one thought, or one idea and it could take them months or even years to perfect the story. Then it has to go to an editor and formatter and then a printer, and there’s probably so much more that readers don’t even know that takes place behind the scenes. But once it’s published, there will be a sea of readers who will gobble that story up in only hours. So, months and years of careful construction and plotting is consumed in mere hours. But it doesn’t always mean the story is over.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I spent years navigating a mental downfall that I couldn’t explain caused by one night, and I had to go through therapists and medication and depression fits and years of feeling absolutely crazy about how I was seeing myself. Regardless of how long it took me to try to grow and heal from that, I guess I never really realized that all it would take is one more night, one hour, just one conversation for me to know the whole story.
Our story.
But we’re not at the end yet, it isn’t over. I just hope that wherever our story takes us, we can both make it theretogether.
twenty-five
Jax
Ican’tstoptossingand turning. Granted, the past few months have been like this. But my sleep never comes because my mind won’t stop trying to go over every single day from that time when I didn't see her. I wonder what kinds of things Hollis had gone through. How many times her mental health went haywire? Who was there to comfort her? Why hadn’t I just told her the fucking truth?
It scares her to know that things could have been different. I know she endured a lot to get through the betrayal she thinks I intended and from what it sounds like, she had to try and fight her way through some tough days to become the strong ass woman she is now.
I hate that I couldn’t be there to help her through all of that. Granted, if I had just stuck to my word and promised to be there for her in the first place, then she might not have gone through all this shit.
It sucks to know that one small mistake can lead to years and years of hate, pain, betrayal, and disappointment. And then to have to experience even more shit on top of that because your self-love has been shot to hell. I don’t know if I could survive that kind of mental beatdown, yet, here she is persevering with more vehemence in her eyes than I ever thought to credit her for. No wonder she was a nervous wreck wanting to bring all of that up.
Now I know why she had to cut me from her life. I still don’t accept it, but I understand it a little better. I don’t feel like I have to place blame, but she could have easily reached out to me after I left and kept her promise to me by staying in contact. We would have talked about it eventually…right?
I can’t be angry with her though for doing what she did, but it still fucking hurts. I had to force myself to move on from any kind of relationship with her just as she had to do for the sake of her heart and wellbeing. She thought I’d rejected her. She thought I was denying her. And I guess, in a way I was. I didn’t know she felt like that though. I just knew how I felt and what I was supposed to do about it. But at least I tried to hang on.
This is all one big cluster fuck of miscommunication. But we were teens. Who knew it’d get so out of hand like this?
It makes sense now why she acted the way she did when she saw me at the Grizzly that first night. I just tried to joke my way back into her life and she was probably panicking inside.
