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If I started to throw myself a pity party about staying in The Crossroads, all I had to do was remind myself of the alternative.
Instead, I pushed down my desires and tried to appreciate what I already had.
A gust of wind rushed through downtown, cutting straight through my sweater and sending a chill through my body.
“Come here,” Ben said, gesturing for me to come beside him and get under the blanket. I scooted toward him and curled myself against his heat. He rested his chin on top of my head, and I closed my eyes. “You know I wouldn’t leave The Crossroads without you, right? You stay, I stay.”
It was a bittersweet sentiment. I wanted to feel that for Ben too, but I didn’t love him. Not because he wasn’t worthy of it, but because I didn’t let myself get close enough to allow it. We were supposed to be casual. Nothing serious. No commitments. I’d even told him he was good to date other women if he wanted, but he never did. He hadn’t ever told me he loved me, but I had started to suspect it was coming soon.
If he was going to cross the line into a more permanent territory, it was time to end things. It wasn’t fair to drag it out. My conscience reminded me as much.Yeah, yeah. Sue me for wanting to feel normal for just one more night.
Swallowing the knot that had formed in my throat, I said, “You know I wouldn’t keep you here, Ben. If you wanted to go, I wouldn’t stop you.”
“Are you saying you want me to leave?”
“No, I’m saying I won’t hold you back. Besides, your mate could be out there somewhere?—”
“What would you say if I told you I wanted you to be my mate?”
My breath hitched and my entire body tensed. This night had taken a drastic turn. Slowly, I sat up, trying to put some distance between us. “I . . . I would say I don’t want to be mated. We weren’t supposed to be that serious, Ben. Maybe we should?—”
He jerked away forcefully, rolled over and stood up. Running his fingers through his hair, he looked at me with furrowed brows. “You don’t want a mate, fine, but you always do this to me, Reagan.”
“What?” I asked, squinting my eyes in confusion. I pushed myself up to stand, hugging myself and tucking my hands beneath my arms at my side as the wind whipped around us.
“You’re hot and cold. Saying one thing, meaning another?—”
“Whoa, there. Who’s hot and cold now? I thought we agreed this was casual. That doesn’t mean anything other than exactly what it sounds like. Hell, you just called me your friend.”
Ben’s jaw clenched, anger brewing inside him. “You misinterpreted that. What was I supposed to call you? My lover? My girlfriend? Friend felt like the safest word, so I didn’t scare you off again.”
I scrunched my eyebrows and thought for a second. Did I misinterpret? I wasn’t sure. Maybe I’d misunderstood a lot of what had happened between us and that was what had led us to this fun encounter.
“I’m not trying to lead you on, Ben. I was clear from the beginning?—”
“You were clear that you wanted to be with me. Every time we’ve been together, it’s ‘casual.’ Then we broke it off, and you came right back to my door.”
I felt like I’d been slapped. Is that what I had done? Is that why he thought this was more? I cleared my throat. “I came back because I enjoyed your company, and you enjoyed mine. I even told you to date other women.”
“You said it, but you didn’t mean it.”
Well, that one I knew wasn’t me. “Um, yes I did. If you took those words to mean something else, that’s on you.”
The wolf inside him vibrated with rage. Hot-headed shifters. I should have known better. I bent down to gather my things, tossing the satchel over my shoulder.
“Running away, like always.” He shook his head and scoffed. “What would you do if you found a mate, Rea?”
I threw my hands out in frustration. “I’d reject them,Ben. I don’t want a mate. When my dad lost my mom it nearly destroyed him. I don’t want anything having that much power over me, especially some guy fate ties me to for no good reason.”
Tingles of electricity reached my fingertips, and dark shadows coiled around my arms. I had no real witch magic to speak of, but when I got angry, some part of me reacted to that lineage. It was like the emotion was trying to guide it, but I felt no attachment to it so I couldn’t control it.
When Clara tried to teach me, I blew up a plant and set fire to a living room pillow. When I left the magic alone, it didn’t do much more than make my fingers look like smoky Fourth of July sparklers.
He glanced at my hands, closed his eyes briefly and sighed. He flexed his fists and let go. “I’m sorry. My wolf is agitated. He’s getting harder to control lately.”
Crossing my arms again, I looked away, tears threatening to spill over. “I don’t think we should hang out anymore. See each other. Whatever this is, it went too far. I, uh, I thought we were on the same page. If I hurt you, I’m sorry.”
Maybe it wasn’t right to apologize, but I genuinely didn’t want to hurt him.
