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“All right, we’re about to start,” I heard his nurse reply.
I waited for everything to get situated and used that time to go to the bathroom while I did.
When I was done, and my hands were washed, I started back out of the bathroom, but this time heading toward the coffee shop downstairs.
I’d wanted to go earlier, but between his lethargy, and my incessant need to pee, as well as my newfound puke feeling that I’d lived with since I’d found out about the pregnancy, we’d been late.
“Where are you going now?” Nash asked, sounding curious.
I glanced down at him, noticing that he was all hooked up.
“To the coffee shop,” I said. “I’m hoping they have some sort of Danish or something. And I might see if they have hot chocolate, because that sounds amazing.”
“I’m sure they do,” he mused.
Except they didn’t.
When I arrived, there wasn’t a single thing left food wise. And they were out of hot chocolate supplies.
“Dammit,” I grumbled as I felt the tears well up again.
Why was I so damn emotional? Like why was that a thing with pregnancies?
“They’re out.” I sighed as I started back toward the floor he was on.
He was doing something on his phone, that little furrow between his brows all cute and shit.
Made me want to punch him in the face.
Maybe when he was better…
“Hey,” he said as he watched me. “Will you talk to me? Seriously.”
I frowned. “I have never not wanted to talk to you.”
His eyes went a little lighter at that. “I think that’s a double negative.”
“It can be a double negative all it wants,” I said as I spotted the couch I’d been sitting on earlier. The lady still wasn’t back. “What did you want to talk about?”
He looked around, I guessed to make sure there was no one within ear shot of what he was about to say, and then began.
“I never, ever intended to hurt you.”
I swallowed hard, and again had trouble maintaining eye contact.
“If I’d known I was hurting you that badly…” he sighed. “I can’t say that I’m making all the greatest decisions right now. I can say I’m going to try my hardest not to ever hurt you again.”
I looked at him then and saw that his eyes were so freakin’ intense it made my breath catch in my throat.
“Nash…”
I didn’t want to talk about this now.
Last night, we should’ve had this conversation. But I was a chicken.
A big, fat chicken.
“Nash…”
He continued to speak.
“I would like to say I’m strong, but honestly, Zip, I’m scared half to death right now. The reason I didn’t get this taken care of preemptively? I was scared to live my life without my testicles. I was a vain person, and thought… how could a woman like me if she knew I couldn’t give her children? If she knew that I was literally missing my balls? It was stupid. Now I see that… but I can’t say that I regret how this happened. I found you because of it.”
I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes.
“I was scared to lose you. So I let you go first,” he said. “And honestly, what kind of man would that make me, if I held on, and then died on you? That’s selfish, Zip.”
I clenched my fists and narrowed my eyes. “It’s not selfish to want love, Nash!”
He looked down at his lap. “I left you because I was scared. Of a lot of things.”
I closed my eyes.
“And now I’m scared that we’ll never get back to where we were before I die,” he continued.
A sound left my throat.
“Nash…”
I felt my insides melt, as well as some of my anger toward him.
“Ma’am?”
I looked up, not realizing I was crying until I saw the horror on her face.
I quickly swiped the tears away and placed my phone on the couch.
I swallowed and stood up, seeing an older lady holding food out to me like it was an offering from the heavens.
“Oh,” I breathed, feeling a shot of joy roll through me. “Thank you!”
“Your husband to be said that you weren’t able to get some from the coffee shop here. I brought it personally because he said he wanted it to be extra hot.”
I swallowed back more tears and said, “I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.”
She patted me on the arm. “You have a good one. I’ve never seen or heard of a man going to those kinds of lengths for a woman. Most men give up after the eighth coffee shop.”
I tilted my head and had to fight the urge to look down at the phone where I knew Nash was listening to every word.
“Eight coffee shops?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “He said in the notes section that he’d tried eight before trying ours. And I’m glad that he decided to go with ours, because this is just the most romantic thing ever.”
