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87
Aiden
The silence between us gnaws at me. Claire hasn’t said anything for a while. I’m assuming she’s pissed that I kissed Sam, and it doesn’t matter that I stopped it.
I still did it.
I still broke what little trust she had in me, and acted like a complete asshole to her when she didn’t deserve it.
There are a million things I want to say right now. I want to ask her what she’s thinking. I want to know if she’ll at least call me when she decides what to do about us—if she hasn’t written me off already.
I want to tell her how badly I want this.
But instead of saying any of those things, I sit here with my elbows on my knees and try to respect the fact that she needs time to think.
A few more minutes of silence go by, and the only solace is the fact that she’s here with me. Occasionally our arms brush with the subway’s movements, and all I want to do is reach for her hand. It’s probably a good thing that mine are laced together in my lap. I’m like a kid who wants to touch a pretty object but knows there’s a good chance he’ll break it—and the last thing I want to do is break her more than I already have.
88
Claire
My brain feels like it’s at maximum compacity with all the thoughts violently buzzing inside my head. I keep playing the weekend on repeat in my mind, trying to see through any cracks in Aiden’s story. When Garret and I broke up, I swore I’d never trust my judgment when it came to men, and after Aiden left me the other night, those feelings solidified.
So, as much as I want to trust him, I’m not sure that I should.
Because I’m not sure that I can trust myself to make that call.
He hasn’t said anything for a while now, and I can’t help wondering what he’s thinking. Is he not talking because he’s having second thoughts? Does he wish he wouldn’t have come here? Is he waiting for me to say something? The questions overwhelm me. I know I should use this time to talk to him—to figure out if we can move on from this. My commute only lasts so long, and with each passing stop, I feel that pesky hourglass in the back of my mind.
He wrings his fingers in his lap anxiously, and part of me wants to reach out and take his hand.
But I don’t.
As much as I want to ease the tension between us, I can’t bring myself to do it. Gripping my bag tighter like a make-shift stress ball, I try to take a controlled breath to clear my head.
It doesn’t work.
I’m counting down the stops until we reach Brooklyn, and the closer we get to my apartment, the more I feel like it’s too late to start this conversation with him. My commute has dwindled down to mere minutes, and I can’t unpack everything I’m feeling that quickly. I need to collect my thoughts, but then again, I’ve had the past half hour to do that, and I’ve failed miserably.
89
Aiden
“This is my stop,” she finally says as the subway starts to slow.
Not exactly the words I was hoping to hear.
I nod without looking up at her. I think I’ve made myself look like enough of a jackass for one day, but my mind still races, trying to figure out how to fix this. I have no idea what I have to do to make sure I don’t lose her. She may not want to be around me right now, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
The subway comes to a stop, and Claire gets to her feet. She swings her bag over her shoulder and stands near the doors, waiting for them to open.
My heart pounds as I try to think of any last-minute thing I can say to change her mind, but there’s no point. I messed this up, and now I have to live with it.
The blood in my ears drowns everything out, and I almost don’t hear her when she says, “Aren’t you coming?”
My head snaps up just as the doors open. She’s looking back at me with an unreadable expression, but the fact that she’s looking at me at all fills the deflated balloon in my chest. I don’t waste time getting to my feet, scrambling to follow her off the subway.
We don’t say anything until we’re out of the station and walking the streets of Brooklyn. I can tell she’s anxious by the way she grips her bag and occasionally chews on her thumbnail, but she’s not giving any hint as to what she might be thinking.
