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The lights are bright and blinding, and the smell of disinfectant is simply overwhelming as I walk through the halls of the cancer center. Daddy has spent the last month of his life here, fighting a battle he can’t win. Savannah told me the doctors have given up hope of his prognosis, so now we just have to take each minute for what it is, and pray that the good Lord will peacefully take him home.
I’m having a hard time taking this step. The thought of seeing my daddy after seven years, especially in the state he’s in, rips my heart apart. I blame him for the way my life has changed, but I must lay my inner demons to rest. If I don’t make peace and he leaves this world, the hurt and anger may consume me entirely.
I make my way off the elevator and see Savannah talking with a nurse at the nurses’ station. Even though we FaceTime weekly, seeing her face to face for the first time in seven years causes a burst of relief to bloom through my chest. Savannah and I were always close growing up, and losing contact with her after I left Kentucky left a void in my heart I couldn’t fulfill. I lay my hand on her shoulder, and she startles, turning her attention to me. Her cheeks are flush, and her sparkling green eyes are shocked red with veins. I tightly pull her into my embrace and comfort her.
“Hey, settle down, and tell me what’s happening. Is Daddy...” My voice is barely a whisper as the realization hits me.I may be too late. “Savannah, please tell me I made it in time?” I ask, pulling back from our embrace.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, Savannah replies, “He’s still kicking. Old fart is tough as nails. He hasn’t had a good day, been sleeping for the better part. That’s all he ever does anymore. His vitals are low. He’s just fading away it seems.” She pauses to catch her breath. “I haven’t told him that you were coming just yet, but I think he’s ready to make peace with you, Carly. He lets on that he’s fine with you being gone for so long, but I can see the hurt in his eyes. I just hope he doesn’t get too upset. The doctors say his heart is weakening from all the treatments he has undergone.”
“You should’ve called me sooner, like when y’all found out he was sick. I would’ve come home then. Are the doctors sure there is nothing else they can do?”
“They have exhausted all the treatment that his body can handle. He’s gone through countless rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. They even tried an experimental drug, but the cancer was too advanced.” We walk together hand in hand as she leads me to Daddy’s room. “I'll give you some time alone with him. I'll be back shortly; gotta go pick the kids up from school. Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Savannah asks, stopping in front of Daddy's room. I nod and paste a fake smile on my face. “Remember, take it easy on him, Carly. His time is short, so make it special.” She hugs me then turns on her heels to leave. Taking a deep breath, I turn the cold steel knob.
The room is cold and sterile, and there in a mess of wires and machines lay my daddy, sleeping. He doesn’t look the same. The cancer has taken his jet-black hair and only left behind a few small strands sporadically on top of his head. He has lost at least thirty pounds, and his eyes set deep within his face. Death cloaks him like a blanket, and it’s startling to realize mere hours or minutes stand between him and finality.
A monitor beeps an incessant ding alerting that his vitals are steady. I slowly inch toward the bed, then lean over and softly kiss his forehead. Tears prickle behind my eyes, but I refuse to let them find their escape. I need to be strong for him. Sitting beside his bed, I lace my fingers through his, squeezing gently as I whisper my apologies.
“Daddy, I’m here.” I struggle to find my voice. “I wish I hadn’t been so stubborn to stay away all those years. But I get my bullhead from you, ya know. As soon as Savannah called me, I packed a bag and came home. I should’ve been here all this time, fighting this battle with you. I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry.” He slowly shifts as he opens his eyes. He looks confused at first, then smiles. He gives my hand a tight squeeze then inclines the bed.
“Little girl, I never thought I’d lay eyes on your beautiful face again, but I’m so glad you’re here.” A single tear runs down his face. His words are thick and husky behind the oxygen mask.
“How bad is it?” Savannah has told me all of this already, but it just doesn’t seem real, not without hearing it from him. He pulls the oxygen mask down his face so I can understand his words.
“I don’t know when, princess, but the man upstairs will be calling me home soon, so let’s sit and catch up. I’m sure we ain’t got much time. I don’t want you to worry, though. I made things right with my maker, and I’m ready to make things right with you too.” He pulls the oxygen mask over his face as he pants for the air his lungs deny him. I wrap my arms around his neck, not concerned with the tubes and wiring connected between Daddy and the machines. I hug him tight like it’s the last time I will ever get to hug him. Who knows, really?
I rest my head against his chest and spill all the emotions that have been building since I got Savannah’s call.
“Don’t cry, princess, it’ll be alright.”
I cling to him for long moments before moving to sit in the chair by his bed. I dry my eyes and reach him a drink of orange juice, then I grab the remote and shut the TV off. I know he has questions, so I tell him about my life while he catches his breath. Daddy talks about the mines and the grandbabies. It takes him a little longer to carry on his side of the conversation because he struggles for air. He’s so involved in catching up that he refuses to leave the oxygen mask in place for long, his voice sounding garbled and thick behind the apparatus. I listen closely, doing my best to make out his words.
“I swear to ya, baby girl, those kids keep me young. Every day they come runnin’ through that door and jump up on the bed squealin’ over their big day at school. They’re always bringin’ me drawins’ and fingerpaintins’ to cover the walls with,” he says, pointing around the room.
“Speakin’ of grandchildren, where…” Daddy trails off just as the door bursts open, and in comes two little ones hopping around the room, arms flailing with ear-piercing shrills. They’re filled with excitement and talking so fast I can barely make heads or tails of what they’re carrying on about.
“Alright, y’all, let’s settle down! You know not to come into this hospital room acting so rambunctious! Your papaw doesn’t feel well. Now, come sit and say hi to your auntie Carly!” Savannah instructs the twins, and Brailee swivels quickly, her mouth dropping in awe. “Aunt Carly Jo! It’s really you!”
I open my arms to pull her into a hug, but she surprises me by climbing up on my lap.
“Hello, Miss Priss. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
She smiles her toothless grin and says, “Finally! It’s only taken you six years, ya know.”
We all laugh at her brazenness. Yep, just like me. “I know, pretty girl. You’re so much prettier in person.” She blushes, but her smile reaches her eyes. Braden makes his way over, leans into me, and says quietly, “Hey, Auntie Carly.” I hug him quickly before he hurries back to Savannah. Even though we talk on FaceTime every couple weeks, he’s always bashful.
“How … was …” Daddy pulls the oxygen mask up over his face and inhales deeply before continuing, “school?” he manages to ask. Brailee and Braden climb on the foot of the bed and take turns telling him about the big adventures of first grade. Daddy’s face is lit up with smiles, cherishing these very moments. He seems at ease and looks like the worry has been erased from his face. Almost as though he feels whole again.
"Daddy, you’re tiring out, and the kids are too.”
His smile fades, but he pats Savannah’s hand in agreement. Brailee and Braden scoot closer and each wrap a small arm around his neck.
“You lil’ stinkers … better be good … for your momma … tonight. Have a good day … at school tomorrow, and make sure … you don’t forget … my donuts … when you come back.” Even with the oxygen mask in place, he struggles to talk. Daddy weakly tickles Brailee who kisses his cheek then squirms off the bed, then he gives Braden a weak high-five.
Savannah wrangles her rugrats while I tell Daddy goodnight.
“I’ll be back bright and early in the morning to see ya. I want ya to get some rest.” I give him a gently hug, careful not to disturb the cords he’s connected to.
“Ah, go on home … get some sleep. Don’t you worry … ’bout this ol’ man. I’ll be … just fine.” I kiss him lightly on the head one last time before leaving, silently praying he can hold on just one more night.
