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“Princess, ain’t you learned by now that your ol’ man is a stubborn ass? Carly Jo, for forty years I worked countless hours buildin’ a small empire, establishin’ the Simon name in the coal industry. I always dreamed that Simon Energy would be a company to surpass generations of Simons. I always took pride in my company, but I also put that damn company before my girls in too many instances, and that is the second biggest regret I’ll die with. The first is not comin’ to find you when you left my office that day. I figured you stormed off to Florida to spend some time with your momma and eventually you would come home. But after you had been gone a couple months and none of us had heard from you, I knew not only were you hurt, but you were pissed. Once you were pissed, there would be no changin’ your mind. Hell, you’re a stubborn ass Simon.” He chuckles. “Princess, I can never make any of the mistakes right. What’s done is done. Hell, karma is a bitch. Look at me now. I gave forty years of my life to that damn mines, and look what it gave me in return—damn cancer.” His shakes his head in disgust. “You’ve always been one of the biggest joys in my life, and I turned my back when you needed me most. I can never forgive myself for that, Carly. Never. I’m so sorry that life came between us, little girl.”
He wipes his face with the back of his hand, taking a deep breath to suppress his overwhelmed emotion. I grasp his hand and give it a light squeeze. “Daddy, it’s okay.”
“No, Carly, you don’t understand,” he says through his strained, garbled voice. He’s distressed, and he needs to calm down.
“Daddy, maybe you should rest. You don’t need to get yourself upset.”
“No, I need to get this off my chest, so please just listen to your ol’ man.”
Knowing he means business, I sit back in the chair while he calms himself. I’m terrified, as I’m not sure what he wants to talk about. It’s hard to tell, really. Daddy always was a personal man. He takes pride in his work and always keeps his business to himself. I often wonder if that’s what caused my momma to leave when I was a kid.
He pulls the oxygen mask down his face, and before I can even argue with him, he shakes his head with a stern look in his weak eyes. “I ain’t gonna go into specifics with you. But I’ve done some evil things in my life. I was sure that one day it would all come back to bite me in the ass, and I think this cancer is karma’s way of dealin’ with me. I wasn’t the best husband to Elizabeth, so she left me when things became too much for her to deal with. I wasn’t the best dad. I ran you off when you were just seventeen, and that was something I could’ve prevented.” He inhales a slow and weary breath before continuing. “I always tried to run Simon Energy the right way, but years ago, before you were even born, things happened. Things beyond my control. Things I’m not proud of. I have a shit load of buried secrets, Carly, and I pray that none of them ever stain yours or Savannah’s lives.” Daddy covers his face again with the oxygen mask, and tears run down his sunken cheeks.
“Shh, it’s okay, Daddy. We both made mistakes. Don’t get yourself all worked up over things neither of us can change. Lay back and try to rest some. You’ve had enough stress for the day.” I kiss the back of his hand then stand to pull the blanket up over his frail body.
I kiss him lightly on the cheek, and as I pull away, he tightens his grip on my hand and whispers, “Carly, please forgive me so I can rest.” That one simple command shatters my heart into a million tiny shards. At that moment, I know that Daddy is ready to give up the battle. He just needs my forgiveness to do so. I smile that smile he loves, lay my cheek against his frail face, and whisper softly, “Daddy, I forgave you the moment I walked through that door. I’ll always be your baby girl. I don’t want to let you go, but I know you’re suffering. It’s okay, Daddy … rest.”
Looking up at me, he smiles and says, “I love you, princess.”
I hug him tightly, fighting to restrain my tears. “I love you too, Daddy.”
Daddy drifts off to a peaceful sleep. He sleeps for the better part of the day, only stirring on occasions when the monitors go off, alarming that his vitals are slowing down. I know that he’s dying, and I wish the suffering would end.
His battle with cancer has been hard-fought, mentally and physically. He always loved being at the mines, and for the last month he has laid in this hospital bed day after day, looking at the four walls around him instead of heaps of coal. I don’t understand what Daddy means by his “buried secrets,” but do his transgressions outweigh the good? Does he deserve to suffer so unpleasantly? I highly doubt that. But if his secrets are dark and heavy-laden, I pray he takes them to the grave.
Around six pm, Daddy seems to be resting well, so I kiss his forehead and quietly slip out of the room. I text Savannah as I walk to the elevator to let her know I’m on my way back to her house. She replies quickly that dinner will be ready when I get there. Dinner sounds nice. I’ve sat with Daddy all day long, worried that he may pass at any moment. Worried about all he confessed to me. I completely forgot about eating.
I’m woken from a deep sleep by the incessant ringing. Blinking my tired eyes open, I roll over and see the sun beaming through the slits of the vinyl shades, glints of golden lights dancing across the ceiling. Rubbing my eyes, I pick up my cell phone, but it’s silent. Must be the house phone. The bedroom door squeaks open as soft pitter patters pad the floor. A weight compresses against my bed, and I roll over to see Brailee sitting beside me. Her cheeks are flush, and she looks scared.
“Brailee, baby, what’s wrong?” I ask.
“It’s Momma, Auntie Carly. She answered the phone, then just started crying. Come check on her, please!” Brailee begs.
I jump from the bed and run down the steps in search of Savannah. She’s sitting on the kitchen floor with her knees in her chest and her face in her palms. Her body shakes uncontrollably as chest-wracking sobs escape her. In that instant, I know what has her so heartbroken. I sit beside her and pull her into my arms. Together, we sit in the middle of the kitchen floor and cry over the loss of our daddy.
Chapter 4
Carly
One of my biggest fears in life has always been death; losing loved ones, friends, and even leaving my family behind. I always thought losing my daddy would be a tribulation I could not face without completely losing myself in grief and depression, so when I learned that his health had taken a rapid decline, I couldn’t compartmentalize the emotions; I just stuffed them to the wayside as if they did not exist. Until that moment that we entered the church and I saw his lifeless form laying in the casket. Grief hit me so hard that even exhaling life was agonizing.
These last three days have been the hardest I’ve ever had to endure. Accepting condolences from hundreds of faces, most I don’t recognize, is exhausting to say the least.People offer hugs as they express their deepest sympathies, but right now I just want to grieve with my family.
Daddy made sure all his arrangements were taken care of so Savannah and I wouldn’t have the hardship of planning a funeral while we were grieving. During the memorial service, a few of Daddy’s friends and colleagues remark upon his accomplishments and life. As I sit on the front pew of the church and listen to each man speak of my father, I think of the impression he left upon my heart. Tears burst free and roll down my cheeks. I can’t control the overwhelming emotion as my heart has a void that can never be filled. Brailee leans her head against my chest and wraps her tiny hand around mine. My heart breaks a little more knowing this sweet child is hurting too but is trying to comfort me the best she can. Smiling down at her, I wipe my face and pull her into a tight embrace.
After the services, the church hosts a dinner in honor of Daddy. My stomach is a twisted knot of nerves. Being among family and friends I haven’t seen in years, I feel like the walls are closing in on me.I decide to take the twins outside to play at the church playground. They need to release some energy from being cooped up all day, and some fresh air may do me good.
It’s a beautiful September day. The sun is shining bright, the sky a perfect shade of blue, and there is a fresh, crisp breeze in the air. I sit on the church steps and watch the twins play tag. I hear the church door close, then footsteps behind me. Assuming it’s a visitor leaving, I keep my focus on the twins. Out of the corner of my eye, I see long legs covered in loose denim.
“Carly Jo,” he says, while squatting to sit beside me. He stretches his legs to straighten his jeans. My face scrunches in shock as he’s the last person I expected to see here. I stare at him, not hiding the surprise in my expression. Anxiety constricts in my chest, but I take a deep breath to fight it back. His dark brown hair is faded tight against his scalp in the back, but thick and full on top, just enough to run your fingers through. His face is soft and delicate, but his chin is slightly scruffy, unshaven. Tanned skin stretches across his thick muscles, and inked art peeks beneath the sleeve of his shirt. He peers back at me through dark as night, cold black eyes.
Colton.
I'm at a total loss for words. It’s been seven years since I've seen him, and suddenly, I'm terrified. He reads my expression and smirks. "Relax, darlin’. I just wanted to see how you're dealin' with all this shit," he says, swirling his finger in the air. His voice is deep and husky, just as I remember. Oh my, he is still sexy.
"I-I'm okay," I reply, stammering over my words. I stare forward, trying hard not to make eye contact. Placing his hand on my thigh, he lightly squeezes, then pats it.
“Big John was a good man, a tough son of a bitch, but a good man.” He chuckles lightly.
