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I suddenly remember what he said the night before I saw him die.You have to go back and figure it out yourself. You have to be brave. And please, please… remember me.
This was all he wanted. For me to remember the life we shared. Every moment I have loved him, even as a little girl. He was my whole world, and he knew it. And he was willing to risk everything to get that back.
Watching the coffin open, my entire body clenches, and we lean forward to look inside.
I collapse with a sharp intake of breath.
“Oh my god,” Ruth whimpers, covering her mouth. “It’sempty.”
A thousand emotions and thoughts and questions tumble over my body as I try and take it all in. If it’s empty, then he’s alive. He got out. Ruth tries to embrace me, but I turn to the side and retch, my stomach turning over as I vomit.
“That means she’s right, doesn’t it? He faked his death!” Niles rests his hands behind his head in shock.
Warrose sighs. “Where the fuck did he go?”
My body shudders again. I get to tell him I remember. I get to look him in those warm, chocolate eyes again. I get to feel his arms wrap around me.
Nothing matters anymore, and yet, everything does.
“I have to find him,” I pant, tears burning my eyes.
“We need to fill this hole back up,” Warrose thinks aloud. “If he took the time to make it look like the grave was in perfect condition, then he must believe Vexamen is watching. He must want to keep his miraculous revival a secret.”
But something inside the casket catches my eye.
I stumble to it, reaching my hand over the satin pillow where his head once rested. A necklace. Leather string. Wooden cross.
I hesitate to grab it. Touching it will suck me into the void again. And I’m moments away from losing consciousness. I look up at Warrose. “Take it,” I say. “I’ll touch it when I’ve rested.”
They don’t ask me to elaborate. No one has any idea how to react to this, what to say, how to feel. We trudge back to the forest to make camp in silence. Warrose makes a fire, feeds the group, and I now know why I haven’t seen DaiSzek. He’s been waiting for Dessin to come back. If only I had realized that sooner.
I eat absentmindedly with the group. Letting my numb toes and fingers thaw in front of the fire, listening to Chekiss snore lightly, and Niles nudging him to breathe normally.
And as the clouds part and I look up at the twinkling stars, my last thought is:
I’m ready to see the sun.
29. The Necklace
I dream of the last time I saw Kane before I ate the Phoenix stem. We were hypothetically discussing how things would work if I lost my memory. Sort of daydreaming about the idea, without the pressure of deciding to do it, of course.
But that fear of the unknown lingered; what if I never regained my memories? What if he always remained a stranger? But I had faith. “Will you wait for me?” I asked him.
“Until I’m old and gray.”
I dream of a time when I was only seven, taking a nap with Kane in the forest. He’d hold me in his arms, rocking back and forth as the wind rustled his hair, and he was always in the same spot as I’d wake. Looking down at me with a smile on his young face and fondness in his brown eyes.
I dream of the many times we fought. I’d throw pine cones at the back of his head. I’d call him names meant as an insult, like Kaney-Boy, Mr. Valdawell, or The Demechnef Puppet. He was the one that taught me how to draw the puppet during a panic attack. He was the one that gave me my first piece of charcoal and parchment. And it was all because of that nickname.
And lastly, I dream of the many times he’d save me from the basement. How his arms would extend to me through the thick fog of darkness. How he’d let me squeeze his hands through each panic attack. How he kept a brave face through everything he suffered in training. Never once letting me know the weight he always carried.
The feathery rays of sunlight trickle over my eyelashes. Behind my lids, I can make out a male silhouette, a tall figure hovering over my sleeping body. Heat jolts through my chest, jump-starting my heart.
Has he finally found us?
My eyes pop open with the residual heaviness of sleep. To my horrid surprise, Niles looms over me with an impatient look that would normally make me crack a smile.
“Are you going to explain what the hell is going on, sweetie pie?” He holds up the cross necklace, obnoxiously dangling it in my face. “And why this is so important?”
