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“Been kinda quiet tonight. Everything okay?” he says finally.
I’m still frozen by the back door, but his quiet concern pulls me to his side. He’s sitting back on a lounge chair, one leg stretched out in front of him and one foot on the deck. Like he’s deciding whether he’s going to stay or go.
Funny thing is, I don’t think he wants to go anywhere. I think he’s got that boot on the wood deck so he can be ready to chase me if I run again. I don’t want to run anymore, but the idea that he wouldn’t give up on me so easily is reassuring.
Especially with the leap of faith I’m about to take.
“I love you.” I blurt it out with no preamble, no warning. Just an honest confession that forced its way free, from my heart to my mouth to the air.
“What?” Bruce says, his eyes finally locking on me. He looks shocked, his eyes wide and his brows high. A heartbeat later, his face relaxes into bliss as my words sink in, and a soft, happy smile appears on his face. “What?”
“I love you.” It’s easier to say this time, my voice clearer even as my heart races. Somewhere inside my head, there’s a broken-winged bird who thought she’d never fly again fluttering like a madwoman at the too-small cage I’ve shoved her in. With a breath, I mentally release her, and she soars the same way my heart does.
But there’s no anxiety, no fear, no finger tapping to focus. Because I am solidly here in this moment with Bruce and thrilled to have every single second with him I can get. If I could go back and get the last ten years, I would. As long as I could keep Cooper.
“Fuck, Allyson,” Bruce groans, setting the beer down haphazardly as he grabs at me. He pulls me to the chair and into his lap, settling me between his spread legs as he cups my cheeks, forcing my eyes to his. “I love you too. I always have, always will.”
I can see the honesty in his eyes, feel the intention in his body. He means always. He wants forever and so do I. He kisses me, deep and dark and slow like bitter chocolate melting deliciously on your tongue. And I want to get lost in him because I’ve found myself in him.
But there’s more I need to say.
“Bruce—” I say, trying to break our kiss. He’s not having it and smacks at me a couple more times, moaning like I’m too tasty to give up. “There’s something else . . .”
He pauses at that, just barely. But then he’s kissing down my neck, at least letting me speak. Or I would be able to if my whole body wasn’t chanting Bruce, Bruce, Bruce right now.
I push at his chest, just the barest resistance, and he straightens to look me in the eye. “What is it?”
He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, waiting for me to go flight-er, as he calls it, as he watches me carefully.
“I still need to go slow. I’m a mom, I’ve been a wife, we’re starting something new, and I just . . . I’ve got scars, Bruce. Jeremy really fucked me up.”
It’s all the reasons I pushed him away, all the excuses I gave him and myself, all the objections I’m letting go of now with this leap of faith. I feel Bruce flinch beneath me, can taste his desire to understand exactly what I’m talking about, and know he’d be beyond livid. But I’ve moved past that. Anger, betrayal, hurt, and fear have no place in my life now. “I’ve done the work to be better, but I need to go slow.”
It’s a bare-boned confession that costs me a lot to say, mostly because it’s to Bruce.
But I don’t need to get back in that pit. I’ve dealt with it all, and Bruce is nothing like Jeremy. Literally nothing like each other. Jeremy was weak, playing at being strong, and I let him walk all over me to prove it. Bruce is strong but will tap into his softer side when needed, and neither side would hurt me.
Most importantly, Bruce wants me strong. After Jeremy, I’ve been building myself back up, brick by brick from the dirt up, and my greatest fear was that any man I dated would be like Jeremy and want me weak again. It’s one of the reasons I’d sworn off men. But Bruce is not just any man. He never was, and he never will be. He’s shown me that over the past weeks, and even over the years together so long ago.
Tears burn my eyes at the realization of what I almost lost, not just this chance with Bruce, but myself. I’d gone so astray that I lost me, but I’m better than back. I’ve grown up, learned from my mistakes, and molded myself into something greater than I was. So much of the past rears up inside me in this moment, and I fearlessly beat the demons into their boxes, shoving them away dismissively. It’s an exercise in imagination, but powerful nonetheless, to see how weak they are and how strong I am.
